Coffee - Neopia's Secret Menace

Yesterday, right after a particularly good game of Gormball, my Ghost Aisha Kabeakers and I set out to have a chat with the esteemed Gelert Doctor, a somewhat ignored figure in Neopia nowadays. I assumed that a medical professional such as himself probably had an opinion on the subject. Our ‘interview’ went much as follows:

Me: Yes, I’m absolutely certain Kabeakers doesn’t have Watery Eyes!

Gelert Doctor: Then why are her eyes watering so copiously?

Kabeakers: Y-you stepped on my foot!

Gelert Doctor: Oh. -Clears Throat- Well, if you don’t have any illnesses you need diagnosed, why are the two of you here?

Me: I wanted to ask how you felt about all the coffee that pets seem to be consuming in Neopia these days. Is it really okay for them, Mr. Gelert Doctor?

Gelert Doctor: That is an excellent question; but please, call me Dr. Valus.

Kabeakers: Any relation to the Neovian Dr. Valus?

Dr. Valus: Oh, yes. He’s my cousin. Funny that you should mention him... I haven’t heard from him for quite a while... Anyway, coffee? It’s rather complicated... but to keep things simple, I’d suggest that you limit your intake to one per day or less. That should be all you need to worry about.

Me: Alright... thank you for speaking with me, but I’d really like to know more abou-

Dr. Valus: Listen, if you want to talk to someone about coffee, go have a chat with the Coffee Shop Shoyru. Right now, though, I have a serious outbreak of Neggitus I need to tend to. Have a nice day!

After this, the two of us were ‘escorted’ to the hospital’s exit by three rather determined Tonu orderlies. It was just about lunchtime anyway, so Kabeakers and I decided to heed the good doctor’s advice and stop by the Coffee Shop. Deep within the catacombs commonly called the Art Centre, every Neopian we passed seemed to be tightly clutching a cup (or two) of coffee from the nearby shop. Coming upon a rather jittery-looking shadow Eyrie outside the Art Gallery, surrounded by empty cups and occasionally scrawling something into a Tatty Notebook, Kabeakers skipped over to read over his shoulder. Curious, I followed after her.

Kabeakers: ‘... as the marshmallows advanced, the young Quiggle quivered in fear. “Do not tremble, my comrade,” his companion, an Eyrie, advised boldly, “for the sugary fiends can sense your terror.”....’ Okay, what sort of drivel is this, Mister?

Eyrie: -Twitch- It’s my e-entry –rapid blinking- for the S-story Competition.

Me: -Frowning concernedly- Are you okay? What’s your name?

Eyrie: I-It’s Benjamin... -twitchtwitch- And I’m f-fine...

Kabeakers: You don’t look fine. You’re shaking like a Sludgy in a parfait glass being offered to Florg.

Benjamin: I’ve told you –twitch- I’m fine! I’ve just had... -hiccup- a lot of c-coffee today... the deadline for this is Monday, and if I don’t get it finished –twitch- I’ll never be f-famous...

Me: How many cups have you had, exactly?

Benjamin: About... -thinks- six. Maybe seven.

Kabeakers: But that’s outrageous! The shopkeeper was okay with selling you that much?

Benjamin: S-some people –twitch- have had more than me... -hiccup- I really need to get back to work... stories don’t write themselves.

Kabeakers: Okay... but don’t drink anymore, alright?

After this encounter, my Aisha and I were even more determined to get some answers from that SalesShoyru. We barreled through the doors, doing our best Judge Hog impressions. The young Shoyru gave us the strangest look, but didn’t comment; perhaps she was used to seeing hyper people and Neopets charge into her business.

Shoyru: Let me guess... another round of Tigersquash Cappuccinos?

Me: Actually, no. We wanted to ask you about all the coffee you’ve been selling to Neopians.

Shoyru: Yes, it’s wonderful, isn’t it? Everyone’s so much more productive, so much happier...

Kabeakers: We must be thinking of entirely different Neopets! The ones we’ve seen are jittery, twitchy, stuttering messes!

Shoyru: Oh, dear me... well, I hear that Dr. Valus in Neopia Central has developed a cure for that. If all those dear pets out there drink a little too much coffee and feel a wee bit uncomfy, they can drop by the Hospital and get the cure for a low, low fee. Isn’t that wonderful?

Me: So is that what’s going on? You and he are working together to get everyone’s money! First, you release your substance and get everyone hooked on it! You start amongst the intellectuals, the artists, and soon the message spreads to all of Neopia that your product is good, is safe... and just when you’ve gotten everyone under your heels, just when they start to realize that there are negative side effects, you offer a cure... for a price. I would bet my last neopoint that it’s temporary, and that all the jitteriness will come back soon, leaving all those poor pets to need more of that ‘cure’!

Shoyru: This is so much bigger than you could ever imagine! The Food Shop sells coffee! Tables in living rooms are called Coffee Tables! They’re even selling coffee in Jelly World!

Kabeakers: This Shoyru is obviously crazy, Mary. There’s no such thing as Jelly World... let’s go.

That was as far as the two of us could go. With no real proof besides a mad Shoyru and legions of zombified Neopians, we couldn’t bring our accusations to the Chia Police. Sadly, Kabeakers and I trotted home, slumping on our jelly sofas and tossing our notebooks onto the floor in defeat. It seemed that the evil forces of Coffee had won... now what popular, addictive substance could we go after?

“Hey Mary,” Kabeakers called softly, looking over at me with wide, excited red eyes, “doesn’t Dr. Sloth support Neocola?”