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Top Gift Returns

by confiserie


It’s that time of year again. No, I am not talking about snowy days, wreaths on doors, gaudy Christmas lights, and gross fruit cakes. I’m talking about what happens after the holidays. This is when gift recipients take a closer look at their presents while the “thoughtful” giver is not around. That gift that inspired an insincere smile is now on its way back to the store, and I witness it all. That is what happens when you are a retail store worker. Here are the top gift returns for this year. You may also take this as a “what not to buy next year” list. Study it well.

1. Plain White Toilet

Let’s start with the the positive elements, shall we? Believe me, it won’t take long... Well, for one, it’s very... practical? And white... a very...pure white. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s a toilet, for goodness sakes! Even the most dedicated neohomers would rather get a pretty gift, such as a Colourlily Wreath. Besides, everyone I think of already has a toilet in their home. At least I would like to think so.

2. Being Stinky

Oh look, what a nice gift to give that enthusiastic reader you know. Wrong. This can very easily be mistaken for a self-help book, instead of fiction. Your friend will think that you are trying to tell them that they stink. Unless that is your mission, save this book for your enemies.

3. Dung Cave Background

Ooo, now wherever they go, your pet can have the wonderful aroma of dung with them. This is similar to the smelly Basket of Gross Berries later on in the list, except that this item is not cute at all. They both may technically be wearable, but they shouldn’t be.

4. Blechy

It’s rare and fairly expensive. What could go wrong? Well, have you seen those fangs?? It will only be a matter of minutes before the petpet it was attached to runs off, leaving your friend with just the ferocious Blechy nibbling on their foot. If you somehow find the Blechy to be cute, buy your friend a Winter Blechy Hat. It’s wearable. And not painful.

5. Hostile Quiche

I knew that it was only a matter of time before food started to strike back... This nasty little bugger won’t be afraid to lunge off the plate toward your face. There have been many instances of adventurous neopets trying to take a bite, only resulting in an injury to the pet’s tongue. Ouch. An eating contest in which pets ate Hostile Quiche was recently shut down because of the danger. The situation is being investigated.

6. Meepit Chair

Sure to haunt youngsters and grown-ups for years to come, this chair comes in at number six on the list. Besides the possibility of giving your friend a heart attack in the middle of the night, the chair is anything but comfortable. Those big teeth are very sharp and dangerous. Who in Neopia would design a chair like this anyways? Oh right... the ebil meepits.

7. Hot Fly Cocoa

At first glance, this looks and smells quite yummy. Plus, it comes with an adorable mug! However, soon the recipient will realize that those aren’t globs of coca floating in it. Ick. If you would still like to give your friend the container, just dump out the cocoa and rinse it out first. A safer bet is just buying a plain Hot Chocolate that they will actually drink.

8. Basket of Gross Berries

“Oh look, a cute basket. And it’s wearable! And it-- eww, what is that smell?!” Unless this is what you want your loved one to say after receiving this gift, you better forget about it. Even if they don’t realize the smell before they prance around town with it, everyone else will surely shun them. Stop the misery before it begins.

9. Cookie Dough Bomb Manual

Cookie dough and bombs make for a very delicious but dangerous combination. Although there is a warning on the back of the book, it does not stop injuries from happening every year. This book is banned in Faerieland, Meridell, and on Roo Island, so this gift may also get your friend in legal trouble. If your friend claims to be a daredevil, let them face the risk of raw cookie dough instead.

10. Fiery Light String

Who thinks that a fire hazard makes a great gift? That’s real fire on the string, folks. Let’s hope that no one hangs them near their flammable curtains. -shakes head at foolish people-

11. Bitten Heart Muffin

Nothing says you care like two-thirds of a stale muffin. Aside from thinking that you lacked self control on the way to their home, your friends may also be afraid that they will catch sneezles from your germs. No matter what, the poor muffin will end up in the trash or in their Warf’s food bowl.

12. Teenage Usuki Reject

Now this doll may look like every girl I went to school with (yes, I’m terrible), but I can never get used to it. It looks like the Usuki got in a catfight, had too much fun with lipstick, and then poked herself in the eye with her mascara. What little girl wants to bring this doll with her everywhere? The Jhuidah Usuki Doll is much cuter, and won’t look like it came from a garage sale.

13. Twig Chair

Unless you want your friend to think that they are heavy, this gift is not a good idea. No matter who sits on it, it will break into a million pieces. However, when your friend causes the chair’s demise, they will think that it’s their fault and their self confidence will be shattered. Not exactly a feel-good gift. Even if your friend has no confidence issues, this gift is anything but durable. Choose a sturdier chair instead.

So there you go. You’ve just learned about the worst gifts of the season. I hope that you will take this knowledge with you when you go shopping next year. And remember: when in doubt, give a gift receipt!

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