A Kinda Cliched Christmas
It was that certain time of the year again - the time when
joyous pets sing joyous Christmas carols, buy presents for their love ones, spend
time with family, and, driven insane by the horrible shopping crowds and long
lines, go on massive killings sprees.
But then that only happens every once in a while.
After all, as we all know - nobody really likes to sing Christmas carols.
Fresh snow had just fallen across Neopia Central,
and everyone you looked, the world was white with the coming festival of Christmas.
And, as traditions go, two certain roommates - a green Kyrii and a red Lenny
- were out picking out their Christmas tree at a nearby Christmas tree store…
Big Ted's Big Tree House
Big Ted's Big Tree House was full of big trees
- this became obvious the moment the two roommates entered the room, their jaws
hitting the floor immediately.
The trees were lined up in nice long - long
- rows, extending down almost to a point where it looked like the two rows touched,
ending just on the far wall.
And the rows were endless - row after long,
ever-extending row of Christmas trees. Big trees, small trees, white trees,
green trees. Trees with decoration; trees as bare as a bald man's head.
"Whoa…" Lennert spoke, enthralled at the sight.
"That is one awesome dancing Christmas Chia!"
Amazed, the Lenny dashed over to where the robotic
Christmas Chia was on the cashier's counter. Lennert rushed up and pushed the
small button on the toy's base. At once, it began to play a very familiar song
and shake its butt to the music, which Lennert sung to.
"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell hop!
Jingly-jing, jing. Jingly jing! Jingle, and jungle, and hoppin' around! Now
you're dancing to the jingly sound!"
At the end of the verse, the song ended.
"Awww…" Lennert muttered, his shoulders slumped,
only to straighten up a few seconds later as he pushed the button again. And
once again, the music began…
"Jingly, jingly, jingly bob! Do-do-do-do, and
hoppity-hop! La-la, and la-la! And la-la-la-la! Now you're dancing to the do-do-do-do!"
And the song, again, ended.
"Awww…" Lennert sighed, his shoulders slumping
over, only to pop up again a few seconds later, cheery once more. "Again! Again!"
"No!" shouted Hawkins, grabbing Lennert's wing
before he could push the button again. "No more! We're here to get a tree, not
to watch a dancing robotic Chia!"
Lennert, shrugged, then turned to look up at
the cashier, a Christmas Scorchio who had been standing there the whole time,
looking on as the crazy Lenny played with the Chia.
"Hey," the red Lenny began, "we're looking for
a tree! Is Ted here?"
The Scorchio blinked. "You're… looking for Ted?"
Lennert nodded. "Yes! Ted and a tree!"
The cashier looked back at the Lenny blankly.
"Umm, sir, there is no Ted… It's just the name of the store…"
Lennert frowned. "No Ted?..."
Hawkins, realizing that things were going nowhere,
quickly pushed his roommate to the side and stepped in front of him, quickly
changing the subject.
"So," Hawkins began to the cashier, "we're looking
for a tree. Think you could show us any of your good ones?"
The Christmas Scorchio shrugged. "Sure."
He stepped out from behind the counter and led
the two down one of the aisles, past tree after leaf-green tree. Trees as high
as three Hawkins, as green as a sick child about to vomit his gizzards all over
the floor, and as ready for Christmas as a fat child on his birthday, ready
for the first slice of his cake.
"Wow…" Hawkins muttered, staring up at the huge,
filled-out Christmas trees all around him. "Lennert, I like them and all, but
I'm afraid they might just be a bit too--"
"Small?" Lennert nodded. "Yeah, those were my
thoughts exactly!" He turned to the cashier. "Hey, so where do you keep all
the big trees?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but these are all the biggest
trees we have," the cashier replied, motioning around him.
Lennert, a stone-cold serious look on his face,
took two large steps towards the cashier, bringing his face close to the Scorchio's,
looked him straight in the eye, and whispered, "The lupes fly high in the month
The cashier's eyes went wide with fear as he
turned and rushed off down the aisle, apparently scared out of his mind.
"Oh, well, that's great!" Hawkins cried, throwing
his arms up in the air. "Now, see what you've done? You scared off the guy who
was gonna help us find our tree! What do we do now, huh?"
But before Hawkins could complain any more,
a tall green Lupe, wearing a black suit with black sunglasses, strode up to
the two, staring straight at Lennert as if he was gonna kill him.
"So," the Lupe began, towering a good head or
so over Lennert as he stood up straight on his two back paws. "You two are looking
for something more… unique, right?" He spoke pure business, carrying
a certain "don't mess with me" air to him.
Lennert nodded, grinning. "Yep! We sure are!"
"Wait!" Hawkins cried out, raising his paw in
the air. "Just who the heck are you?!"
The Lupe glanced quickly at the Kyrii. "I'm
Ted." Back to Lennert. "Okay, you two follow me."
And so, off the three went, down the long row
of trees all the way to the back wall, then taking a right and following the
back wall all the way to the end, up to a plain brown wooden door.
"Ted" pulled out a key, stuck it in the lock,
unlocked the door, and went in with Hawkins and Lennert following obediently
In the next room, which was at least as large
as the room they'd just come from, the duo saw something which made both of
their jaws drop, the one thing Lennert had been looking for all along - a gigantic
"Oh… my… gosh!" Lennert cried out, his
voice high and squeaky as he jumped up and down like a giddy schoolgirl. "This
is so awesome!"
And it was awesome! A good two to three
stories high, it was large enough to have a party of thirty or so all sleeping
in the tree at once. The trunk was large enough around to fit five or six Hawkins
"Wow…" Hawkins muttered, craning his neck up
to see the top. "But, Lennert, don't you think it's a tad… out of our price
"Awww!" Lennert pouted, stomping his foot. "But
Hawkins," the Lenny pleaded, "how are we supposed to have a merry Christmas
without this tree? With "love" and "family"? Hawkins, we all know those
are just cop-outs used by poor people without cool Christmas trees! Cop-outs,
Hawkins rolled his eyes, letting out a slight
sigh. "But… We don't have much money…"
The Lupe, his lips curling into a conniving
grin, put his arm around Hawkins' shoulders. "Pal," he said, "this is your lucky
day! You see, I'm willing to let go of this tree for peanuts… Literally!" He
took off his sunglasses to reveal a pair of green, pleading, slightly-crazy
eyes. "Really, I love peanuts!" He brought his face right next to Hawkins',
his eyes growing wide. "I'd do anything for peanuts, man… Anything…"
Hawkins, his small Kyrii eyes growing wide with
fear, motioned to Lennert. "Lennert," he said, not breaking eye contact with
Ted, "get this Lupe some peanuts… Now! Before he eats me!"
Hawkins and Lennert's Apartment Building Roof
It had been two days since the pair's little
trip to the Tree House to get a Christmas tree. And, upon getting home, the
two had discovered a fact neither had thought of before (and by "neither had
thought of before", I mean "Hawkins had pointed out but Lennert had ignored")
- their apartment wasn't big enough for a tree two to three stories high.
And so, it was on this cool morning that Hawkins
came out to find Lennert attempting to coordinate a solution to just this very
Hawkins walked out of the stairwell and onto
the roof to see Lennert standing over on the edge looking down, a hard hat on
his head and holding what looked like a type of blueprint in his wing.
"Lennert," Hawkins asked, walking up next to
his roommate, "just what the heck are you doing?" With every word he spoke,
Hawkins' breath hung in the air in a thin, warm mist.
Lennert grinned. "Well, since we couldn't fit
the tree in the apartment, I've decided to do the next logical thing
- I'm gonna put the tree on top of the apartment!"
Hawkins nodded dumbly. "Uh huh…" He paused for
a moment, trying to think of something to say. "Okay… Well, did you get permission
from Mister Ruckner to do this?" the Kyrii asked, referring to their landlord
and the pet who owned the apartment building.
Lennert shook his head. "Nah! But I'm sure he
Hawkins shrugged. "Oh, of course! I mean, what
landlord would mind having a three-story tree on top of their building?" He
sighed, closing his eyes and massaging his temples gently. "Lennet, I just have
this feeling this isn't going to work…"
Lennert breathed a loud, annoyed sigh. "Oh my
gosh, Hawkins - here! Just check out the schematics I drew up!" the Lenny shouted,
thrusting the blueprints he was holding into Hawkins' face.
Hawkins took them, unfolded them… and sighed
once again. The "schematics" were nothing more than a large rectangle (presumably,
the apartment) with a large triangle (supposedly the tree) sitting on top of
it and two stick figures (one with a smiley face, the other with a frown) standing
on either side of the "tree".
"See?" Lennert pointed, grinning, at the stick
figure with a frown. "That's you - the one with the frowny face!"
Hawkins looked back up at his roommate, a frown
similar to the one his stick-figure counter-part wore, on the Kyrii's face as
his rolled up the "blueprints" and handed them back to Lennert. "I just know
something bad is going to happen… That's all…"
"Yeah, well, ya know what, Hawkins? If all you're
going to do is stand there and criticize me, then why don't you just go back
inside and play with your action figures!"
"Lennert, those are your action figures!"
"Pssh!" The Lenny rolled his eyes, turning back
over the edge of the roof - and to the giant Christmas tree sitting in the middle
of the road seven stories below!
"Okay!" he called out. "Go ahead and lift it
At his command, about thirty Eyries shot out
of the top branches of the tree, long, thick rope-wires attached to their legs.
Even when the cords reached their full length and were pulled taunt, the Eyries
kept pulling, beating their wings as hard as their little Eyrie hearts would
allow and, slowly, carefully, lifting the enormous Christmas tree up into the
They continued flapping, lifting the tree the
entire seven stories of apartment height until it hovered just over the roof
and, bit by bit, moved towards the center of the roof, its shadow passing over
both Lennert and Hawkins - neither of whom could do anything but stare in awe.
Finally, the tree touched down, light as a feather,
on the roof.
Lennert, grinning wide as ever, turned to Hawkins,
asking in a superior tone, "So, now what do you have to say?"
Hawkins just shook his head. "I don't care what
you say - this will not end well. Somehow, things like this never do. Not for
Night of Christmas Eve…
It was a cold and windy night, this Christmas
Eve. Both roommates, Kyrii and Lenny, were up on their apartment roof, decorating
their overgrown monster of a tree. Using a pair of large ladders, each pet was
stringing up lights on opposite sides of the tree, rushing as fast as possible
to get the tree decorated and ready.
"C'mon, Hawkins! Hurry! We have to get this
thing strung and soon!"
"Lennert, be quiet! We wouldn't even have to
rush, if it wasn't for you! You're the one who wanted to wait until the night
before to do this stupid thing!"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't my fault!" Lennert shouted
back from his side of the tree, at the same time working to string the lights
on the tree's enormous branches. "I didn't have the lights!"
Hawkins paused, stretching his neck out to the
side to see around the tree. "Of course we didn't have the lights - we didn't
have the money to buy any because we spent all of it on the stupid tree!"
"Pssh!" Lennert spit. "Didn't have the money,
eh? Well then, how did we get these lights, huh?"
"Because you stole them off of other people's
Lennert paused, then smiled, remembering. "Oh
yeah! I remember that, now! Boy was that lady mad - and she sure ran fast for
someone with a cane!"
Hawkins sighed. "She threatened to eat my children…"
"Okay," the Lenny said, climbing down off his
ladder and taking a few steps back to get a better view of the tree. After an
entire evening of work, it looked like the two had finally finished - the tree
was completely covered in Christmas lights. The only thing left to do was plug
"Alright, Hawkins!" Lennert shouted. "Plug 'em
in and light 'em up!"
Climbing down, Hawkins rushed over and plugged
the cord into a nearby outlet. And with the sudden rush of power, the Christmas
tree lit up in a big burst of Christmas-y red, green, and golden light, which
reflected perfectly off of the various ornaments and bulbs strung throughout.
"Oooohhh!" Lennert commented, enchanted by the
glistening tree. "So very pretty!"
"Yeah!" added Hawkins, coming up to stand beside
his roommate. "It is pretty cool, isn't it? I'd say we did a pretty good
They stood in awe for a few minutes, admiring
the tree, until Lennert let out a loud gasp.
"Oh my gosh!" he cried. "The star! We forgot
Before Hawkins could stop him, Lennert rushed
over, grabbed the star, which was laying on the ground nearby, waiting to be
placed at the top, and scurried up the ladder to the top.
"Be careful!" Hawkins shouted up towards his
"Don't worry!" Lennert shouted back, looking
down as he gripped the ladder with one hand and waved the star with the other.
At the top, Lennert reached towards the tiptop
of the tree, trying desperately to place the star on the top. He leaned out
dangerously from the ladder, stretching his arm as far as he could, reaching
for the top of the tree… He inched closer… A little closer… He almost had the
star in place…
And he slipped.
Lennert lost his grip on the ladder falling
forward onto the tree. The ladder came tumbling out from underneath him and
came crashing to the ground, leaving Lennert hanging on for dear life to the
tree as it swayed back and forth dangerously.
"Lennert!" Hawkins screamed, rushing out of
the way as the tree, having not been secured in any way, shape, or form, came
tumbling down on its side with a horrible crash.
Lennert managed to jump from the tree onto the
roof - just in time to turn and watch it go sliding over the edge of the roof
and to the ground below!
Another horrible crash came as the massive tree
hit the street below - and, in a blatant violation of the laws of physics, began
sliding down the street on its own!
Hawkins, who was now standing on the edge of
the roof and watching the whole scene unfold, could only look on, mouth hanging
gaping, eyes wide with shock. Lennert, apparently unfazed by the whole ordeal,
walked up calmly a few seconds later, unconcerned.
"Oh… my… goodness!" was all Hawkins was able
Lennert simply shrugged. "Ya know, you'd think
that Lupe would've warned us about this…"
Hawkins, not even noticing his roommate's comment,
continued to shake his head in disbelief. "What have we done?..."
Lennert clapped his wing on Hawkins' shoulder.
"Meh! Don't worry about it! Look, that group of carolers will stop it" -From
off in the distance came the shrieks of carolers being run over by a runaway
Christmas tree- "Oh wait… Nevermind…"
The Apartment of a certain green Pteri…
As this was all happening, a certain green Pteri
was busy decorating a Christmas tree of his - a miniature one which sat on his
coffee table. He hummed to himself as he hung up a red bulb. Through the window
behind him, one could clearly see the runaway Christmas tree barreling straight
down the street for the apartment.
That is, anyone but this certain green Pteri…
"Tis the season to be jolly!" he sung. "Fa-la-la-la-la!
He had just enough time to shout this before
the runaway tree came barreling through his window and into his apartment, completely
destroying it and running over the poor Pteri.
Back to Hawkins and Lennert's roof…
Hawkins stared off over the edge, looking on
sadly at the path of wrecked houses and destroyed buildings the giant Christmas
tree had left in its wake. He sighed.
"Well, I can't say I'm surprised… Why expect
more from Christmas than on any other day?"
Lennert smiled. "Hey Hawkins! Since we don't
really have a tree to put the presents under now… Think we ought to just go
ahead and open our gifts now?"
Hawkins managed a weak smile, shrugging. "Heck,
why not…" He turned and walked over to where a pile of unused lights and ornaments
sat and dug under the pile - emerging with Lennert's gift, wrapped nicely in
a box with Christmas wrapping around the outside.. He walked back over and,
smiling, handed the box to his roommate.
Lennert gave a cry of joy, then dug into the
box, tearing the wrapping paper to shreds in seconds and digging into the box
- to pull out a dancing Christmas Chia!
"Oh my GOODNESS, Hawkins! It's just what I wanted!
Thanks!" He threw his arms around the Kyrii, enveloping him in a big hug.
Hawkins smiled, glad to make his roommate happy.
"So, Lennert, what'd you get me?"
Lennert pulled back, a serious look on his face.
"Hawkins, this is a day to be happy and just enjoy being with family. Really,
it's not important who got what or didn't get what for whom - we should just
enjoy being together! Because, that's what family does - enjoys being together."
Hawkins frowned, his smile gone. "You didn't
get me anything, did you?"
Lennert shook his head.
Hawkins sighed, turning around and trotting
off the roof, leaving Lennert alone on the roof.
Lennert stood holding the robotic Chia for a
moment, then shrugged.
"Well, only one thing to do now!"
He put the Chia on the floor, hit the button
and started singing. "Jingle-jing! Jingle-jing! Jingly-jing! Jingle and sing
and jingley-jing! Jingle and bingle and mingle around! Now you're dancin' to
that mingling sound!"
The Christmas Tree…
The giant Christmas tree, which was still speeding
along, had now moved out of Neopia and was heading across some vast plain. And,
it had picked up some riders! Some random Christmas carolers, last-minute shoppers
- and a certain green Pteri.
"Okay!" the green Pteri called out to the rest
of the group, who stood around him in a circle, shouting over the sound of the
wind as the tree hurtled on. "Now, the reason the tree keeps moving keeps moving
is because of all the momentum it has. And that's because it's so heavy! So,
if we throw some people, off, that should help slow the tree down! The best
way to do this is by a vote as to who we're going to throw off first!"
There was a long pause between the rest of the
crowd of pets, until one shouted out, "All in favor of throwing him off first?"
From the rest of the group came a resounding,
This certain green Pteri frowned. "Oh no…"
A few seconds later, the Pteri was lying face-down
in the dirt. He looked up just in time to see the giant tree go rolling off
into the distance.
This certain green Pteri climbed to his feet,
brushed himself off a little, and looked around. He was completely alone.
"Well… This is quite a merry Christmas, isn't