Muffins vs. Cupcakes: THE SHOWDOWN

This question has been asked for thousands of years, and the most brilliant minds of Neopia have tried to answer it, all failing.

Well, not really. I made it up in my own crazy mind and decided to stick on paper. But, potato patato, right?

I'll be judging muffins and cupcakes on four criteria: usage, taste, appearance, and edibility. Each section is worth ten points, making the highest amount of points either dessert can get forty.

Now, what’s SO great about muffins?

Well, let’s see:

Usage: Not only can muffins be consumed, they can also be CHUCKED AT PEOPLE! Isn’t that absolutely wonderful? The only problem with these "Battle Muffins" is that you can use them just once. I don't know why, so don't ask me.

Muffins get an 8/10 on usage. Try chucking muffins at people and you'll see why I give muffins that score.

Taste: Muffins taste pretty good. Most muffins are sweet, but some, like the Mega Carrot Muffin, might not be so sugary. There is a wide range of tastes and styles of muffins. You could have a delectable Fig Muffin, or a... um... Dung Muffin. Some muffins taste kind of like bran cereal, though. Don't they have bran in them? And fiber? Yeah, lots of fiber.

Muffins get a 6/10 on taste. Bran cereal is really gross, so muffins get a low score.

Appearance: My mouth doesn't exactly start watering when I look at muffins. Muffins look okay, I guess. The dung muffin doesn't look so yummy, though. In fact, it looks like a heaping pile of stinky dung. And guess what? That's what it is! I bet it tastes good, though. Dung Ice cream probably tastes good too, but you never see anybody eating it. I wonder why?

Muffins get a 7/10 on appearance. Dung is not meant to be food, TNT.

Edibility: How easy is it to eat a muffin? It depends. Fig Muffins, Banana Muffins, Kiwi Muffins... those are all fairly easy to eat. But what about your Invisible Muffins, Exploding Muffins, Fire Muffins... the list goes on and on. Putting such muffins in your mouth could be painful, difficult, and emotionally harmful. Anyway, muffins taste good and they look good, but for some reason you might have a little trouble with the whole "eating" thing.

Muffins get a 5/10 on edibility, because some muffins explode in your mouth. That is the kind of hurt you feel on the inside. Literally.

Now that we've judged muffins in all four categories, let's see how they did:

Usage – 8

Taste – 6

Appearance – 7

Edibility – 5

Now let me whip out my handy dandy notebook. Or maybe it's a calculator. You can be the judge of that.

Muffins get a total of 26 points out of 40.

Let's see how cupcakes do.

Usage: Cupcakes' only use is to be consumed. Sadly, you cannot throw them at people in the Battledome. Actually, you probably could, but the frosting would get everywhere and it would be a BIG waste of perfectly good frosting, and no one likes that. You know what I do like, though? Cupcakes with sprinkles. Especially rainbow sprinkles, not so much the chocolate ones though. They kin-

*muffin is thrown at me*

Alright alright, excuse me for sharing my opinion! Besides, we are on cupcakes. You should have thrown that muffin at me a long, long time ago.

*cupcake is thrown at me*

Thank you. But hey, guess what we just learned! Cupcakes can be thrown at people!

ANYWAY! Cupcakes get a 6/10 on usage, since you can just eat them. And I guess you can throw them at people too. I need a towel.

Taste: Cupcakes are a few steps ahead of muffins on taste. They have a variety of toppings and are delicious. The two most common, as we learned earlier *ahem*, are frosting and sprinkles. But we are talking about Neopian cupcakes, people! In Neopia the words "common," "normal," and "vainglorious" are not in our vocabulary! Neopian cupcakes have very different toppings. Some of these would be olives, pomegranate seeds, and carrot shavings. Actually that doesn't sound so good. On second thought, go with the common, normal cupcakes. They are much... healthier.

Cupcakes get a 10/10 on taste. If you are wondering why I say this, go eat a cupcake.

Appearance: Some cupcakes look delicious, like the Watermelon and Gooseberry cupcakes. Some cupcakes, on the other hand, don't look as good. The Tuskaninny cupcake hardly has any frosting at all. It is practically a muffin. I bet it really is a muffin. In fact, I never mentioned the Tuskaninny cupcake. I was talking about the Tuskaninny cupcake way back in the muffin section. Don't argue with me, either, because you know I am right.

Cupcakes get an 8/10 on appearance, because they really do look good enough to eat. Yes, I know it is cliché.

Edibility: Cupcakes don't really have any of the same... deformations as muffins do. Eating a cupcake won't burn your mouth, you won't have to search for it, and it won't explode before you eat it. Cupcakes are incredibly easy to eat. So easy, you could eat them while sleeping. Or playing a game of Go! Go! Go! But don't blame me when the Tyrannians chase you with spears. What if they threw muffins at you? They would be trying to get your cupcake by throwing muffins at you! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh come on, laugh, you know it's funny.

Cupcakes get a 9/10 on edibility, since all you really have to do is put the cupcake in your mouth.

Cupcakes' score is:

Usage – 6

Taste – 10

Appearance – 8

Edibility – 9

Now we get out the calculator again and... the cupcakes total is 33 points out of 40!

And now the moment you've all been waiting for...

I'm going to floss my teeth while playing Yooyuball!!

Okay just kidding. Drum roll please!

And the award goes to... Cupcakes!! Muffins were beat out by only seven points!! This is going in the history books, folks. Now I can finally get out of Eliv Thade's castle! Not that I was trying to solve a riddle or anything. I mean why in Neopia would I write a whole Neopian Times article just to get out of a spooky castle? That... that's ridiculous! Heh heh heh. Gotta go.