Celebrity Meepit Show
(Setting: The Altador Stadium, sparingly filled. The Yooyuball goals have been removed, and replaced with a large podium in the centre. In a semi-circle around the podium are five stools. A Mutant Scorchio is standing on the podium, and the chairs are filled with the five contestants – from left to right, Lord Kass, King Skarl, Hannah, Layton Vickles and Nigel. At the very top of the stadium, neon letters read ‘The Meepit Show’. Around the outside of the stadium, there are three entrances. One entrance is marked ‘Contestants’, another is marked ‘Roan’ and the third one is labelled ‘Producxzq’)
ROAN: Hello, and welcome to the Meepit Show. My name is Roan, and we have...
ROAN: (Turning to the producer) Aren’t you meant to interrupt at this point, and say something about the fact that this is actually called Quiz Neopia.
PRODUCER: I can’t. The sign’s been changed. Now, the show is officially called the Meepit Show.
ROAN: (Turning to examine the sign) So it has! Excellent. (Returning to face the contestants) So, hello, and welcome to Quiz Neopia! My name is...
PRODUCER: Roan, the name has... just... been changed.
ROAN: True, but I prefer Quiz Neopia.
PRODUCER: (Sighs). I give up. Carry on.
ROAN: My name is Roan, and, this week, we have a very special show, because all of our guests are celebrities. Let’s meet the contestants.
KASS: Good evening. My name is Lord Kass, and I am the ex-ruler of the Darigan Citadel.
SKARL: My name is King Skarl, and I have defended Meridell against invasion from the Darigan Citadel twice...
KASS: (Interrupting) Yes, but the first one, you were guaranteed to win!
SKARL: No, I wasn’t. That was a fine piece of military planning.
KASS: We had no chance of winning it.
SKARL: Yes, because you’re rubbish.
KASS: No, we’re not.
SKARL: Yes, you are.
ROAN: (Shouting) Silence!
(Skarl and Kass fall silent)
ROAN: Right. (Calmer) Let’s continue.
KASS: (In a whisper to Skarl) Miserable.
SKARL: (In a whisper to Kass) Useless.
ROAN: Carrying on!
HANNAH: My name is Hannah, and I spend my time investigating places.
LAYTON: My name is Layton Vickles, and I am the captain of the Darigan Citadel Yooyuball team.
SKARL: (In a whisper) You’re rubbish.
LAYTON: (Whisper) At least I play.
ROAN: (Interrupting) Excuse me, can I just ask? Layton, what are you doing here?
LAYTON: What do you mean?
ROAN: You’re not a celebrity. (Turning to producer) What is he doing here? He’s not famous.
PRODUCER: He was a finalist in last year’s Altador Cup.
ROAN: That’s not famous. Could you really get nobody better? What about Jhudora?
PRODUCER: Too busy giving quests to people.
ROAN: Dr Sloth?
PRODUCER: In hiding.
ROAN: That farmer person from Meri Acres Farm?
PRODUCER: He’s not famous.
ROAN: At least I know who he is. Go and get him.
(Producer leaves through the general entrance not mentioned in the stage description, and which still does not actually exist)
ROAN: Right, let’s meet the last contestant.
NIGEL: My name is Nigel, and I run the Neopian Stock Market. I also am the only Neopian to own a car.
ROAN: A car? What’s one of them?
NIGEL: It makes you travel to other places, quickly.
ROAN: But Neopia has no roads.
NIGEL: Well, that’s not a problem for me, because I spend all my time in the Stock Market, so I never need to go anywhere.
ROAN: So what are you doing here? Who’s running the Stock Market?
NIGEL: Nobody is. The economy is crashing.
ROAN: Good, good. (Pointing to random audience member) You, go and sell my shares in KBAT.
(Audience member leaves)
ROAN: Anyway, let’s get on with the show, brought to you today by Word Poker Inc., who were kind enough to provide us with some of their spare letters to finish our ‘Producers’ sign – unfortunately, they only had some of the more unpopular letters left. I hate tradition – let’s start with Round Seven. In this round, we will do exactly the same as in all the other rounds, where I will ask you questions, and you will answer them. We start with Lord Kass. Kass, what is the name of the popular pastime involving hitting a small plushie version of you with various objects?
KASS: (Laughing) There isn’t one. Nobody would dare do that!
ROAN: I think the makers of ‘Whack a Kass’ would.
KASS: But that’s mean! Who would play such a game?
SKARL: I play three times a day!
KASS: (Turning to Skarl) I should have known, blue-face.
SKARL: Yes, you should, purple-head.
KASS: So, what’s it like?
SKARL: Basically, you hit a version of you with a stick. It’s not hard.
KASS: Sounds like fun. I’ll have to have a go at that sometime.
ROAN: (Raising his voice) That’s enough. Kass, you get a point.
SKARL: For what? He got his question wrong!
ROAN: Did he? Fine, Kass, you lose a point.
KASS: (Whispering to Skarl) Host’s pet!
SKARL: (Whispering to Kass) Cheat!
ROAN: Skarl, in Meridellian politics, which miserable monarch are the Meridellian population frequently requested to create nonsensical jokes for?
SKARL: Er... me?
ROAN: Correct! You earn a point.
SKARL: But some of the jokes told are actually quite funny!
ROAN: Really? You laughed at the joke ‘What does a team of Korbat who foraging Virtupets Space Station? By an orb of jellies!’
(Laughter from the audience)
ROAN: Oh, come on! That’s awful.
SKARL: (Merrily chuckling) I love that one! It makes me laugh all the time.
LAWYERBOT: (Mysteriously appearing) I have to add a disclaimer at this point – King Skarl Enterprises regret to inform all present that aforementioned joke may not always cause hysterics as described above, and any side-effects caused by the frequent retelling of this joke to the party are in no way my fault, so don’t be mean to me.
(Lawyerbot mysteriously vanishes)
ROAN: Mysterious. Anyway, we move on to Hannah. Hannah, one Nimmo points to another Nimmo and says “Brothers and sisters I have none, but that Nimmo’s father is my father’s son.” What relation is the first Nimmo to the second Nimmo?
HANNAH: You copied that from the Lenny Conundrum. The answer’s his father.
(Lawyerbot appears mysteriously)
ROAN: Yes, I understand the legal copyright issues.
(Lawyerbot vanishes mysteriously)
ROAN: (Muttering) Typical. I have to ask that to the one who’s explored the archives of the Lenny Conundrum.
HANNAH: Yes, that’s my next plot: Hannah and the Lenny Conundrum Archives. It’s rather riveting – you should read it!
ROAN: Yeah. Moving swiftly on, to Layton. (In a stage whisper to the audience) Apparently, he plays Yooyuball (Shrugs, and faces Layton again) Layton, which of the following delicacies is the odd one out?
(Short-to-medium length pause)
LAYTON: Aren’t you going to give me a selection to choose from?
ROAN: Why would I give you one of them?
LAYTON: Well, in that case, I have no idea!
ROAN: Shame. The correct answer was Radioactive Sloth Cake.
ROAN: Where is that producer? It’s getting a little boring without him here.
(A co-producer comes out of the entrance marked ‘Producxzq’)
CO-PRODUCER: (Shouting) RIGHT! ROAN, GET ON WITH THE SHOW!
ROAN: (Grumbling) You’re no fun. Next, we have Nigel. Nigel, which world is the home of the tile game Kou-Jong?
NIGEL: Do they have a stock?
ROAN: No! They’re less than five years old.
NIGEL: Oh. Then, no idea.
ROAN: Stupid Chia. You lose six points for that...
CO-PRODUCER: (Interrupting) VIOLATION! Maximum of one point drop! VIOLATION! Maximum of one point drop!
ROAN: OK, I heard the first time. Nigel, you lose just one point. (Sighs, and turns to the co-producer). How many more questions do I need to ask?
CO-PRODUCER: Each contestant must receive a minimum of eight more questions before the end of this round.
ROAN: Eight? (Groans). That’s a lot. Well, we’ll try to get through it quickly.
(Producer returns through the entrance of your choice, with the Meri-Acres farmer in tow).
ROAN: Oh, thank goodness. Dismissed, co-producer!
(Co-producer turns, and stalks back through the entrance marked ‘Producxzq’)
PRODUCER: What do you want me to do with the farmer?
ROAN: I’ll just do a run-down of the points. At the top is King Skarl, with one point. In second place is Hannah, with zero, despite answering her question right, because I decided not to give her any points. And, in joint last place are Lord Kass, Layton and Nigel. I can’t think of any way to separate the three, so you can all go. Go on, then. Toddle off.
KASS: Can we have a few words before we go?
ROAN: I suppose.
KASS: Well, I’d just like to say that Meridell is rubbish! (Giggles) Haha, I’m so evil. (He dashes off to the contestant’s entrance)
ROAN: Anybody else want a word?
ROAN: Word over, you can go now. (Under his breath) Famous, my tail.
(Layton leaves via the contestant’s entrance)
NIGEL: I’m going back to my stock taking duties. I’ve already heard that inflation has got so out of hand that a half-eaten strawberry jelly now costs upwards of 700,000 NP, which is vastly over the rate of general inflation.
ROAN: Thank you, Nigel. You’ve just put to sleep the very small number of people who are in the audience and still paying attention.
(Nigel draws himself together, and leaves the stadium. The sound of a car starting can be heard, although since his is the only car in Neopia, nobody is really aware of what it is, and take the collective defence mechanism of ignoring it completely)
ROAN: Let’s meet our new contestant.
(The Meri Acres farmer walks across, and sits down in the seat recently vacated by Lord Kass)
ROAN: And what’s your name?
FARMER: Rubbish Dump, sir.
ROAN: Rubbish Dump?
RUBBISH: You can call me Rubbish, sir.
ROAN: I’ll reserve judgement on that until I hear you answering questions. But you’re called Rubbish Dump?
RUBBISH: Yes. (Proudly) I have a piece of land named after me. That can’t be said for most people.
ROAN: (Coughs) Anyway, moving on to the next round of questions. This round is the same as all of the others. We’ll start with you, Rubbish. What is the name of the artificial satellite that orbits Neopia?
RUBBISH: What, sir?
ROAN: Sorry, did I use too many long words?
RUBBISH: Far too many, sir.
ROAN: Fine, I’ll rephrase. What is the name of the... er... thing that goes around this big round thing that you live on, which is... er... which has been made by a person or group of people?
RUBBISH: Well, why didn’t you say? That must be the sun.
ROAN: Not quite. We were looking for the Virtupets Space Station.
RUBBISH: The Whose Face Station?
ROAN: (Under his breath) Finally, a person who I don’t mind calling by their real name. (Normal voice). You lose a point for getting the answer wrong. Skarl, what is the name of the Neopian Encyclopaedia?
SKARL: Er... (mutters) There’s a reason I’m not King of Brightvale... (normal voice) er... um... what about... er... the... Neo...paedia?
ROAN: Sorry, we were looking for Neopedia. You lose a point.
SKARL: That’s what I said.
ROAN: But it’s spelt differently. You spelt it wrong.
SKARL: I said it!
ROAN: Yes, but it’s spelt differently in the script. Producer, show him!
(The producer passes a copy of the script to Skarl, who examines the script)
PRODUCER: Don’t change anything.
SKARL: Ah yes. I didn’t realise that was how I was spelling it. (Passes the script back to the producer) I don’t want to ruin the ending.
ROAN: Carrying on. Hannah, in history, in the Haunted Woods, there is a tree with which feature not normally associated with a tree.
HANNAH: I know this! I saw it when I did ‘Hannah and the Tree in the Haunted Woods with an Unusual Feature’.
HANNAH: It’s my seventy-second adventure. It hasn’t been released yet. I’ve been kept quite busy since that business with the Ice Caves. Anyway, the answer is a brain.
ROAN: That is correct, and I suppose I should give you a point for that. Back to Rubbish. What is the name of the large dump of rubbish in Meri Acres Farm?
RUBBISH: That must be Meridell Castle, sir.
SKARL: Hey! Watch what you’re saying, smelly.
RUBBISH: Sm... what, sir? I don’t understand that word, sir?
ROAN: Rubbish, your answer is incorrect. We were looking for Rubbish Dump.
RUBBISH: Oh, don’t worry, sir. I’m right here, sir.
ROAN: No, the answer was Rubbish Dump.
RUBBISH: No, you were asking the question to Rubbish Dump.
ROAN: Oh, you are useless. (Turning to the producer). Whose idea was it to have him on the show?
PRODUCER: Er... yours.
ROAN: Are you sure? I don’t think I would invite somebody this thick onto the show. And he smells, and he knows nothing at all. (Turning to Rubbish) Help, I’m being transformed into a pile of useless discarded waste.
PRODUCER: No, that bit in the script means that you turn to face that farmer.
ROAN: Oh. I thought it might have been an interesting plot twist.
PRODUCER: Not in this story, I’m afraid. We’re allergic to interesting things here.
ROAN: I should have known. (Turning to face the character whose name is Rubbish Dump, to avoid any confusion) Rubbish, I can’t be bothered to talk to you any more. Shoo.
RUBBISH: Well, it was nice to be here, sir.
ROAN: And I suppose it was nice to have somebody I was allowed to call rubbish. Now, go back to whatever it is you spend your time doing.
(Rubbish leaves, but nobody cared enough to notice which entrance he left through)
ROAN: With just two contestants left, the scores are neck and neck.
SKARL: Are they? I thought I was ahead?
ROAN: Yes, but I stopped counting ages ago. I’m saying that you have two, and Hannah has two. In this last round, each of you will have three questions. Whoever gets the most right, wins. Skarl, you start. Which of the following flavours of ice cream is not used in the game ‘Ice Cream Factory’: Strawberry, Vanilla or Chocolate?
SKARL: I’ve never played. I’ll take a guess at vanilla.
ROAN: Wrong! They’re all in the game. Fooled you! Hannah, here’s one you shouldn’t be able to get from experience. Name one use for the little plastic figure that you inevitably get inside a Christmas cracker.
HANNAH: As a matter of fact...
ROAN: Don’t tell me that you’ve done ‘Hannah and the Using of the Small Plastic Figure in Your Average Christmas Cracker’!
HANNAH: Straight after ‘Hannah and the Slightly Confused and Extremely Uninteresting Grapefruit’. It can be used to save the world, in the right situation.
ROAN: Just out of interest, how many adventures have you made?
HANNAH: Four hundred and nineteen.
ROAN: And you save the world in all of them?
HANNAH: Most of them.
ROAN: So, how come you’ve won every time?
HANNAH: Beginners luck, I suppose. I haven’t seen anything threatening in this one yet.
ROAN: You’re making this into an adventure?
HANNAH: Oh yes. I’m thinking of calling it ‘Hannah and the Rather Peculiar Game Show set in the Altador Coliseum.’
ROAN: As opposed to the rather peculiar game shows set anywhere else.
HANNAH: Well, I don’t want people to get confused with the fairly peculiar game show in Terror Mountain in adventure sixty-two, ‘Hannah and the Ice Caves V’.
ROAN: Anyway, I’ll give you a point for that. Skarl, how many versions of Neoquest have been released?
ROAN: Possibly, I’m not sure. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Hannah, to the nearest metre, how wide is the Lost Desert?
ROAN: (Gleefully) You don’t know?
HANNAH: Well, I made two measurements. One in ‘Hannah and the Fairly Uneventful Crossing of the Lost Desert’, which was 7,143 metres. But, in ‘Hannah and the Discovery that the Ruler Used in Hannah and the Uneventful Crossing of the Lost Desert is in fact Slightly Shorter than Previously Believed’, I measured it to be 7,142 metres. I’ll go for 7,142.
ROAN: Well, there isn’t actually an answer on here, because the researchers decided not to measure it. So, your answer is wrong, I’m afraid. After two questions, the scores are level at one each. Skarl, your final question. Name a band that has appeared in the Tyrannia Concert Hall.
SKARL: I have no idea. Skarl and the Troubadours?
ROAN: No, but I’d pay money to see them. Are you in it?
SKARL: Yes, actually. I play the triangle.
ROAN: Wow. I’m going to give you the point for that. Hannah, get this wrong and I get to go home. Please get it wrong. Hannah, what is the name of the King of Roo Island?
HANNAH: That must be King Roo.
ROAN: Oh. That’s what I’ve got on my card. (Shouting) LAWYERBOT!!!
(Lawyerbot mysterious appears)
LAWYERBOT: What do you want?
ROAN: Prove that King Roo isn’t the King of Roo Island, please.
LAWYERBOT: Well, assuming that the Mystery Island Convention of Year -13 still stands, it is possible to decree that King Roo should not technically remain in power beyond Year 2, and, since it is now far beyond then, it would not be unfair to consider the possibility that, if King Roo were not the King of Roo Island, then power would instead pass to the next person in line. As Roo is the last descendant, we need to shift sideways, where we discover that the next King, is in fact, a Queen. Hannah, to be precise. (Turning to Hannah) Technically, you are the monarch of Roo Island. (Lawyerbot mysteriously vanishes in a puff of revelation)
HANNAH: I’m Queen of Roo Island.
ROAN: Yes, which means that you’ve lost! I can go home!
HANNAH: I don’t care! I’m Queen of my own country. What a four hundred and twenty first story this will be! (She departs through the entrance marked ‘Contestants’)
ROAN: Which means that our winner is King Skarl!
(Scattered applause from the audience members still awake)
SKARL: Thank you! What do I win?
ROAN: You win your own home Whack-a-Kass kit!
SKARL: Excellent. I might invite Kass over to have a go. Then I can beat him, so he doesn’t invade again. (Skarl leaves through an entrance in a regal fashion, so nobody bothered to stop him)
ROAN: And that’s it for another time. Until the next time the Altador Stadium is free! Now I’m going home.
(Roan leaves through the door marked ‘Roan’, the producer leaves to have a good shout at the sponsors, and the audience members leave, except the ones who have fallen so deeply asleep during the show that they will probably still be here when the next one starts, therefore being forced to endure another one. The author quickly checks the script to make sure that there is nobody left in the stadium that has been forgotten about, and decides to end the story, as he has run out of inspiration on good ways to end the story)