Still thwarting Sloth's mind control... Circulation: 177,384,884 Issue: 315 | 26th day of Collecting, Y9
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Being Evil: A Step-By-Step Guide

by paper


Want to be a well known Neopian, but find games really difficult? Or maybe everybody seems to look down at you on the boards? Have no fear! I am here to help you become... EVIL! *dun dun duuuun!!!* Everybody has the potential to be evil; using this guide can help you show it! Just follow the steps on this guide correctly and you could be the next Sloth!

Step One: Maniacal Laughter

Ah yes, an extremely important step into being evil.

Firstly, find a mirror. It’s good to practise tilting your head back and raising your arms at around 45 degrees each from the head. If you’re having trouble at this stage, hold a Mynci above your head. (Or an Angelpuss, as nobody really cares what happens to them; revolting cute things, bleh!) Now, try laughing. No, not joyful Super-Fun-Happy-Time laughter, EVIL LAUGHTER!!!

Try thinking about World Domination (exciting, isn’t it?) and imagine that you’ve just defeated the Faerie Queen. Think about your reaction. You wouldn’t just skip around licking an ice-cream, would you? If you would, I want you to stop reading now. Stop it I say! That’s just wrong. Evil people don’t like candy! We’re terrified of the Tooth Faerie coming around to check our glorious fangs. *shudders* Anyway, you would want to rejoice in a menacing way, and to do that you must cackle, very evilly too. That’s it! Just remember: ‘To cackle correctly, try singing a scale first’.

Step Two: Evil Cloak

Every evil wanna-be must have a cloak, it’s just essential! It is also essential for it to be BLACK! No fruitful pinks, please. Also, no cloak, no attention (and heck, the only reason we’re evil is to get a raised eyebrow). Now, the main reason we have a cloak is for the swish. There are many ways to swish a cloak, but they all have different meanings. Luckily for all you marvellous readers, I’ve jotted them all down!

-The 180: When you’re pacing up and down your lair, ready to place your kidnapped victim into a pot of boiling liquid, and they say something totally out-of-whack like ‘Good always wins’ or ‘Neopia will never let you rule’ or maybe even ‘Is that a bird? No, it’s a plane!’, you turn around and give them a good ol’ glare. Now, as you do this, notice your cloak rises horizontally. You’ve just done a 180! 180s are also helpful when your stupid henchmen fail to destroy their target; it makes others feel terrified and say in their heads, ‘Oops, shouldn’t have done/said that!’ THAT’S the reaction that you want!

-The Brainstormer: Again, you are pacing your lair for an idea for taking over Neopia (again), but you need something new, something nobody else would think of doing, something extreme! A Brainstormer helps you think and gives the feeling of ‘leave me alone, scientific genius at work’. To do the Brainstormer, you need one hand on your cloak (at arms length works best), and as you’re pacing, flick your cloak at every turn. The Brainstormer is also handy for when you’re in a hurry to leave a crime-scene; the Defenders of Neopia will never find you!

-The Leap of Faith (Otherwise known as ‘the Bedazzler’): Hero of the story got you trapped in a corner? The Leap of Faith would come in handy right about now! Firstly, find somewhere to escape from; a window or a rooftop would work perfectly. Now, as you’re about to jump from your escape, grab the cloak with both arms at arms length (like the Brainstormer, but with both arms). Now, as you’re jumping, raise your arms high above your head, still holding your cloak. Also raise one knee to your chest and keep the other leg straight for that dramatic effect. Look who’s talking now, eh? You’ve just completed step two of my wonderful guide! Congratulations!

Step Three: Evil Henchmen

Every evil villain needs henchmen to do more evil things like help kidnap Faeries or pick up dry-cleaning. The more henchmen the better; it makes your 500 henchmen seem more powerful than the neighbour next door who only has 5. Now, an important rule with henchmen is: ‘never be nice!’ Always treat them like slaves; Punish them for tiny mistakes and always tell them they could have done better, even if they’ve done the job exactly as you say.

How to find henchmen you ask? Job section in ‘Evil Weekly’ of course! Under the ‘H’ section, just in case you didn’t know; for beginners like yourselves I would recommend 10 henchmen. If you can, hire Warfs, Wadjets or Walking Carpets. Henchmen begging with the letter ‘W’ seem more mean and tough, so also go for names like Wally, Wilma and Werydretuiloper. Also, all have a Team Jacket, with your logo on the back. Black Leather is recommended, so remember to size your henchmen first!

Step Four: Taking Candy From Babies

Evil, aren’t we? Heard the saying ‘It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby’? Of course you have! If not, you’re not evil and won’t ever be! Anyway, taking candy from a baby is awfully hard! Down-right impossible actually! Just yesterday I saw a lone little baby Zafara, sitting under a tree on Roo Island. As cliché as it may seem, he was sucking on a lollypop! Being evil, I snuck up on him and snatched at his lollypop stick. He wouldn’t let go! His mouth was like a sucker, and he didn’t seem to be remarking or anything.

Now, I could have set my laser gun on him, but being evil, we always do it the hard way! I just shook him and tried flicking him off, hoping he’d drown in the Lake or something, but nooo, he was laughing. Worse of all, it was super-fun-happy-time laughing too! I just left in disgust (flicking my cloak, of course!).

Step Five: Ruining Everything

Yep, that’s right. You’ve finally caught your victim and tied him up and made him hover over Mt. Techo. Being evil, you tell him EVERYTHING you did and all the little tricks of the trade to capture him. Being a goody-two-shoes (another note, evil only wears one shoe which is why it’s goody-TWO-shoes) he escapes from your clutches and ruins your life’s work of plans. I know what you’re thinking: Why are you asking me to tell my victim? It’ll make all my work go down the drain and it’s your fault, Mrs. Reporter! Ah, but it’s what we DO!

Seriously, has anybody succeeded in an evil plan? Obviously not or the world would be a better place! (Well, for us evil-people anyway...) Good always triumphs over evil, but we do it anyways! We try and try again! Why, you say? What else are we supposed to do when the Neopian Times isn’t out? Got a better idea?

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Trick or Treat
...Happy Halloween

by neofeather


Boris Visits Neopia Central
"Ho hum," sighed Boris to himself, sipping a cup of Maggot Stew as he read this week's Neopian Times, "I love Halloween, but it seems like every year is the same..."

by excita


A Bori Story: Surprize?

by pikemaster1


The Mutant Prince: Part Four
He had tried without success to file down the grotesque black claws that had magically sprouted out of his shapely hands, but the curse had grown the claws back to full size within a mere hour...

by maipom

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.