Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 177,117,159 Issue: 318 | 16th day of Storing, Y9
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Fyora's FAQ

by 24meepit13


A tribute to the famous Neopians with FAQs that never get read. Enjoy. ;)

“That’s it! I give up!” Fyora screamed in rage after tossing yet another n00b out the window of her Hidden Tower. “I can’t stand these Neopians asking me over and over again pointless questions I answer all the time! What can I possibly do to stop people from asking me those questions?”

      “Miss Fyora?” Celeste, Fyora’s Faerie Aisha assistant, timidly asked the Faerie Queen. “I think I know what you must do. I suppose you could write an FAQ.”

      Fyora stared at Celeste like she was speaking Tyrannian, which Fyora herself was not very fluent in. “A what?”

      Celeste blushed heavily. “You know, a Frequently Asked Questions page. All the famous Neopian owners have one; why don’t you make one?”

      Fyora frowned at the ground, pondering this. “How do I make one?”

      Celeste smiled. “It’s easy, all you have to do is gather a bunch of questions you’ve answered too many times, and answer them. You put them somewhere where everyone is sure to notice them, and they might leave you alone.”

      “Might?” Fyora asked worriedly.

      “N00bs, you know. So pesky.” Celeste shrugged.

      “Ah,” Fyora said, nodding. “Of course, an FAQ would be perfect. I’ll put it in the Neopian Times, and then everyone will be sure to read it. Or, possibly, I could get it published into a book for everyone to read. First things first, though; Celeste, I want you to write the FAQ, while I say it aloud.”

      “But the customers,” Celeste protested. “We can’t just close early!”

      “Yes, we can,” Fyora declared. She went to the window, taped a sign that said “Closed for Restocking” on the shutters, and closed and locked it heavily.

      “Okay, let’s get started,” Celeste said reluctantly. She whipped out some paper and a few pencils, and sat down at Fyora’s desk. Then, she set up her workspace, and was ready to write.

      Fyora cleared her throat, then recited a list of questions she was asked every day. Celeste quickly wrote them all down, and read aloud the first question: “Can I have something from the Hidden Tower?”

      Fyora sighed. “One, save up your neopoints and buy them like everyone else...”


      “Hey, Mom! Guess what’s in this week’s Neopian Times!” my Purple Kacheek, Jiffipuff, squealed as she shoved the paper into my face. My three other pets, a Blue Xweetok, a Baby Lupe, and a Starry Gelert, looked up in surprise.

      “A special edition about Fyora? Shouldn’t this be for Fyora Day?” I asked, taking the newspaper from my Kacheek, squinting my eyes at the headline.

      “But Mom, there’s something written by Fyora herself! It’s her FAQ! Isn’t that cool?” Jiffipuff gushed.

      “An FAQ? By the Faerie Queen? That’s a new one,” I mused.

      “Can you read it to us?” my Baby Lupe, Jake, pleaded.

      I looked over at my Neopets. Their faces clearly wanted to know everything. “Fine.” I sighed. I turned to the FAQ and set it down neatly.

      I cleared my throat and began. “‘Dear Citizens of Neopia, this is written to you from Fyora the Faerie Queen. I answer these questions on a daily basis, and now I am hoping that, with this in the Neopian Times, all will finally have their questions answered without having to question me myself.’

      “Question number one: ‘Can I have something from the Hidden Tower?’ Her answer: ‘One, save up your neopoints and buy them like everyone else. Two, if I gave these items away to everyone, there wouldn’t be anything left. So, stop asking already and start saving.’

      “Question number two: ‘Why are the prices so high?’ Her answer: ‘These items are pricy for a reason. They’re extremely rare and valuable, and they are objects of great power. Because they are so high priced, it increases their value, and if I sold them for two neopoints, they would become worthless. I need to help support Faerieland somehow, you know.’

      “Question number three: ‘Why do you not cut your prices in half on half-price day?’ Her answer: ‘Here’s an example for you: Someone wanted to make neopoints. If I did half-price day, they could buy a Baby Paint Brush for three hundred thousand neopoints, then they could wait a few days and make a tidy profit of three hundred thousand neopoints more if they sold it for the baby paint brush’s original price. Basically, it would destroy the economy if I did half-price day.’

      “Question number four: ‘How come people who have been on Neopets for less than four months can’t visit your Hidden Tower?’ Her answer: ‘One, it is pretty much to reward those with older accounts. Two, I feel that newbies can’t afford the prices. Three, I also believe that newbies cannot handle the power of most of the items in the Hidden Tower.’

      “Question number five: ‘Can I have your staff?’ Her answer: ‘N.O. No no no no no no no no no no no no. And no again.’

      “Question number six: ‘Can I be your neofriend?’ Her answer: ‘...See answer for number five.’

      “Question number seven: ‘Hi.’ Her answer: ‘I have much more important things to do than answer tens of thousands who say ‘hi’ to me. I mean, it’s a nice gesture and all, but it does get rather annoying. Put a picture of me on your wall and say hello to that. It works just as well.’

      “Question number eight: ‘Can you loan me a rare item? I’ll pay you back.’ Her answer: ‘Unless by that you mean you’ll pay me back one second after I loan you it, which means buying it, then no. Sorry, you might be trustworthy and all, but neopoints up front, or no deal.’

      “Question number nine: ‘How many annoying questions do you get a day?’ Her answer: ‘You plus millions. It’s a big number, trust me.’

      “Question number ten: ‘Why are you the Faerie Queen? Why not (insert other Faerie)?’ Her answer: ‘I’m special, I’m awesome, I’ve saved the world, and I’m in charge of the Hidden Tower. Does that describe anyone else? No...’

      “Question number eleven: ‘Why haven’t you done anything about Jhudora? She’s doing bad things right under your nose. Her answer: ‘I know that. Did it not occur to you that I might actually know a thing or two? Goodness.’

      “Question number twelve: ‘What’s your favorite petpet?’ Her answer: ‘Pink Faellie.’

      “Question number thirteen: ‘Why do you always wear purple?’ Her answer: ‘One, I feel like it. Two, I look awesome in it. So there.’

      “Question number fourteen: ‘Can you sell me a retired Hidden Tower item?’ Her answer: ‘No, sorry. Go to the trading post or auction house. If you can’t find anything there, then I guess you’re out of luck.’

      “Question number fifteen: ‘Why is the Hidden Tower hidden?’ Her answer: ‘It sounds better than the ‘Visible Tower’, doesn’t it?’

      “Question number sixteen: ‘What can you do?’ Her answer: ‘I can kick you out of the Hidden Tower if you don’t stop asking me these questions.’

      “Question number seventeen: ‘How old are you?’ Her answer: ‘Older than you. I’ll leave it at that.’

      “Question number eighteen: ‘Are you the oldest thing to ever set foot in Neopia?’ Her answer: ‘Pshaw, no way. That would be Dr. Sloth. Have you not SEEN his wrinkles? *shudders*’

      “Question number nineteen: ‘Where do Faeries come from?’ Her answer: ‘I’m not THAT old. My ancestors came to Neopia. Seriously.’

      “Question number twenty: ‘Who was Faerie Queen before you?’ Her answer: ‘Nobody. Until I came to power, there was no Faerie Queen. Don’t believe those Neopian Times authors; I was the first and am currently the only Faerie Queen.’

      “‘If you have any more questions for me, please hesitate to ask me. I am an incredibly busy Faerie, believe it or not. If you seriously have some questions for me, go ask that picture of me you put on the wall. Our responses will be the same.’”


      “Wow, Celeste, I haven’t had a single person all day ask me one pesky question!” Fyora beamed.

      “I know, your majesty,” Celeste smiled. “With luck, people will never ask again!”


      A month later....


      “Hey, Queen Fyora! Can I have something from the Hidden Tower?”

The End

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