The Meepit Show Returns
(Setting: The Altador Stadium, fairly empty. The Yooyuball goals have been removed, and replaced with a large podium in the centre. In a semi-circle around the podium are three stools. A Mutant Scorchio is standing on the podium, and the chairs are filled with the three contestants – from left to right, a Starry Uni, a female Royal Usul and a Pink Tonu. At the very top of the stadium, neon letters read ‘Quiz Neopia’. Around the outside of the stadium, there are three entrances. One entrance is marked ‘Contestants’, another is marked ‘Roan’ and the third one is labelled ‘Produc’)
ROAN: Hello, and welcome to the Meepit Show. My name is Roan, and I’m...
PRODUCER: (Interrupting) Roan!
PRODUCER: We’ve been through this. It’s not called the Meepit Show. It’s called Quiz Neopia.
ROAN: (sighs) I know. Do you want me to do it again?
ROAN: OK. (turning to face the contestants) Hello, and welcome to the Meepit Show. My name is...
PRODUCER: You did it again.
ROAN: Did I?
ROAN: Are you sure? I don’t think I did.
PRODUCER: The show is called Quiz Neopia.
ROAN: (sighs) I know. Do you want me to do it again?
PRODUCER: Yes, and remember, it’s Quiz Neopia.
ROAN: Fine. I’m not an idiot, remember! (turns to the contestants). Hello, and welcome to the Meep... no, sorry, Quiz Neop... no, that’s not right either... Quiz the Meepits? Show Meepits Neopia? I’m sorry, I’m very confused.
PRODUCER: (sigh). How about we skip the introduction?
ROAN: Fine. Let’s meet the contestants. In the last show, some of you may remember that there were five contestants, but, frankly, we couldn’t find five people who wanted to come here, so we’ll have to make do with three. However, some of you may have noticed that we were able to use the funds raised by the previous show to continue the painting of the name on the Producer’s section, by adding another letter. Now, I want to be through with this quickly, so be brief with your descriptions. First, Contestant One!
UNI: Greetings, salutations and welcome to all. My name is Ysytrtrax, and I am...
ROAN: I’m sorry. Your name is what?
ROAN: No it’s not. That’s only got one vowel in. You can’t have a name with just one vowel in. It doesn’t make sense.
YSYTRTRAX: My friends call me Ysi.
ROAN: But I’m not your friend, and I don’t intend to be. You talk too much, far too verbally enthusiastic. I’m just not going to refer to you.
YSI: I do not believe...
ROAN: Right, I’m imposing a three word limit. Say more than three words in a sentence, and I dock you points. Understood?
YSI: (carefully) Yes... I understand.
ROAN: Excellent. Let’s keep it that way. Next contestant please!
USUL: Hello. My name is Fyora, and...
ROAN: Fyora? As in the Queen?
FYORA: Yes, the same.
ROAN: But the Queen’s a faerie. You’re not a faerie.
FYORA: Very true.
ROAN: So, why are you called Fyora? Do you just like to pretend you’re famous? Because I can call you lots of famous names if you like, Skarl.
FYORA: Except Fyora’s my actual name.
ROAN: Sure it is, Kass. But I’m moving on to the next contestant.
TONU: Good afternoon.
ROAN: Do you have a name?
TONU: Yes, it’s...
ROAN: I don’t want to hear it. Whatever it is, I’ll think of something much better.
(Long, awkward silence)
ROAN: Fine, I’m stuck. What is your name?
ROAN: A relatively normal name. I’m very impressed. And the only thing vaguely interesting about you is the fact that you’re male, yet pink, but that would be too obvious to pick up on. (shouting) PRODUC!!
PRODUCER: It’s Producer! And what do you want?
ROAN: Why do I... you mean, your name is actually Producer?
ROAN: Wow. Your owner must have had a pretty good idea of what career they wanted you to have. Anyway, I was busy complaining. (shouting) Why do I have a normal person on my show? I didn’t ask for a normal person. I asked for somebody I could ridicule mercilessly. Now, who else have you got that I could annoy?
PRODUCER: We don’t have any reserve contestants.
ROAN: Well, go and find some. I’m not going to enjoy the show unless none of the contestants do.
(Producer hurries out of the general exit. This, however, is an issue, as the author of this article did not consider adding a general exit. Just imagine it as existing somewhere in your mind, and hope that nothing bad happens as a result of it not technically existing)
ROAN: Anyway, we open with Round One. Round One will continue until we get a better contestant, or until I decide that it’s not worth continuing. At the end of this round, the person with the least number of points will leave the show, unless I like them, or, more likely, if I dislike somebody else more. We start with Miss Allergic-To-Vowels over here. Consonant, rearrange the letters in the phrase Sparagusa to make the name of a vegetable.
YSI: (Silent for a second) Asparagus?
ROAN: Incorrect. We were looking for ‘sprgs’. You don’t do vowels, remember? You lose a point. Jhudora, where would one expect to find the Hidden Tower?
ROAN: Yes, but where? Come on, you claim to own it.
FYORA: No, I don’t; you claim I own it.
ROAN: And what I say goes. Now, where is it?
ROAN: (Sighs, tuts, and pauses for a second) Faerieland? We’re going to be here all day. The correct answer is... (peers at question card for a moment) The correct answer does not appear to be on here. (Looks confused for a moment). In that case, you shouldn’t have answered the question. You lose a point. (Takes a deep breath). And, Irritatingly Normal over here, name a pet beginning with a Z?
ROAN: Correct. Why do you have to be so normal?
OSSCA: I don’t know. I was brought up normally.
ROAN: Poor you. Anyway, on with the round. You get a point for getting the answer right, but you distracted me, so you lose five points. Back to...
OSSCA: Five points? What for?
ROAN: You are now preventing me from continuing with the show. You lose an additional ten points.
ROAN: Because you disputed the decision.
OSSCA: But the decision was wrong!
ROAN: In your opinion. Now, unless you want to be disqualified, I suggest you stop talking.
OSSCA: But I...
ROAN: That’s it! You lose another million points. Now stop talking!
(No noise from Ossca, although an indignant look builds up on his face.)
ROAN: Thank you. Now, Consonant, what is the sequel to Meerca Chase called?
YSI: Meerca... sorry, Mrc Chs Tw.
ROAN: Incorrect. We were looking for Meerca Chase Two. Try to use real words. I know it’s a struggle, but give it a go, OK? You don’t lose any points there, because it was a good attempt, but be a bit more careful next time. Now, Jeran, how many sections are there in Terror Mountain, and what are they called?
FYORA: There must be three – Happy Valley, Ice Caves and Terror Mountain summit.
ROAN: That is exactly what is written on my card. You must be cheating. I’ve got my eye on you, Hagan. Next question. Ossca, (pauses for a moment), I hate using real names. Ossca, in Yooyuball, what is the term when one person moves the ball to an adjacent team-mate?
ROAN: Really? That was an easy one. Never mind, the answer we were looking for was ‘Pass’. You lose another point. We return to Vowelly-Challenged over here. What is the name of the game show hosted by... (he crosses out a word on the question card, muttering) That shouldn’t say incapable, (before returning to the question in a normal voice)... game show, hosted by marvellously talented Roan?
YSI: It must be...
ROAN: Three word limit, I’m afraid. We were looking for the Meepit Show.
PRODUCER: (Magically appearing from aforementioned non-existent entrance) QUIZ NEOPIA!!!
ROAN: (Sighs) I know. Do you want me to do it again?
PRODUCER: No. Just let your contestants finish their sentences.
ROAN: Do I have to? I thought we only had the stadium booked for an hour.
PRODUCER: Just give it a try.
ROAN: Fine. Ysi, you may finish your sentence.
YSI: Well, before I was interrupted by your rude and thoughtless, yet interestingly well-timed challenge, I was beginning the process that would eventually provide the answer to aforementioned question being removed from my mouth for general consumption, which would hopefully result in the merit of a single point, perhaps more than a single point, which would be...
PRODUCER: Fine, Roan, you’re allowed to give her a three word limit.
ROAN: Excellent. Well, Vowelist, you’ve unfortunately exceeded your limit, so you’re not allowed to say anything for the next five minutes, under pain of point loss. Anything to say to that?
ROAN: Excellent. Now, Coltzan, name a popular Neopian card game.
FYORA: Er... Round Table Poker?
ROAN: Not the one I’ve got here. I was looking for Solitaire. You lose a point. Now, Ossca, I’m not going to ask you another question, because it’s not worth it. The scores at the moment are as follows. Ysi, you lead at the moment, with minus one point, with, despite my best efforts, Illusen in second, with minus two. But, in last place, by a fairly considerable margin, is Ossca, with minus one million and fifteen points, officially the lowest score in the Meepit Show history.
PRODUCER: Roan, it’s... (sighs) Never mind.
ROAN: Ossca, you have been eliminated from the show. I would say farewell, but it would not be sincere, so Fare Badly!
(Ossca disappears through the entrance marked ‘Contestants’, which cunningly doubles as an exit)
ROAN: So, we have just two contestants left. However, before we begin the last round, let’s have a quick discussion with the contestants. Ysi, what do you do outside of appearing on this show?
YSI: I... play... games.
ROAN: Excellent. Nice short answer. Have a point. However, you spoke in your five minutes where you are not allowed to talk, so you lose your point again. What about you, Fyora?
FYORA: Well, I... wait, that’s my real name!
ROAN: I know, I’ve run out of famous Neopians.
FYORA: What about Hannah?
ROAN: Good one! Thanks, Hannah. Anyway, on to the final round. Ysi, as you’re in the lead, you get the privilege of not being last. We’ll start with Edna. Coltzan’s Shrine can be found in which land?
FYORA: Lost Desert!
ROAN: (Gleefully) Incorrect! If it was mysteriously moved, it could be found anywhere! You lose a point. Vowel-Free Pet, if you take the number of different Neopets in Neopia, multiply by the number of worlds in Neopia, square it, cube root it, and divide it by the number I’m thinking of, what do you get?
YSI: Erm... six?
ROAN: No. You lose a point for getting the answer wrong, another point for not being able to read my mind, and a third, because I don’t like docking people just two points unless absolutely necessary. A valid answer would have been ‘confused’.
YSI: But that’s not...
ROAN: Word limit! King Altador, if a is equal to 1, b is equal to 2, and c is equal to 3, then how many wars have Meridell won?
FYORA: I think it’s two.
ROAN: I don’t really care, so you lose another point. Now, Verbally-Enthusiastic, name a Neopet that begins with the letter V.
YSI: There isn’t one.
ROAN: Incorrect. We were looking for the Vulsper.
YSI: I’ve never heard of the Vulsper!
ROAN: It’s because it doesn’t exist. But that shouldn’t get in the way of me docking you another two points. Janitor, where could one find the Tombola?
FYORA: If it was mysteriously moved, anywhere.
ROAN: (Under his breath) She’s good. (Normal voice) I’ll accept. You win a point. Now, I’m rapidly running out of questions, patience, and enthusiasm, but sadly, commercial demands mean that I still need to carry on for a considerable period of time, which means we have a problem. So, any suggestions on how we could fill the remaining time?
YSI: We could try...
ROAN: Word limit! That was a trick question, which you failed, so you lose some more points.
YSI: How many?
ROAN: Just some – it’s not like it’s important. I’ve decided to declare Darigan here the winner. Congratulations! We have our second winner on the Meepit Show!
PRODUCER: It’s not the Meepit Show.
ROAN: Why? Why not? Just because we have a big flashy sign that says it isn’t? That can be changed. Hand me the script!
(The producer unwillingly produces a script, and passes it to Roan, who produces a pen, and changes something in the script).
ROAN: There! Now it says in the stage directions at the top that the big flashing neon sign says The Meepit Show.
PRODUCER: You do realise that now, by doing that, this whole script has just been invalidated.
PRODUCER: So, technically, everything that you have just done now no longer exists.
PRODUCER: You sort of went back in time to change things, which means I don’t need to correct you, which leads to all sorts of metaphysical issues that shouldn’t really happen in the first place.
ROAN: So, what does that mean?
PRODUCER: Basically, it means that none of us exist anymore.
ROAN: (Disappointed) Oh. (Smiles, and cheers up slightly) Does that mean the show’s over?
PRODUCER: The show never started.
ROAN: Oh good. I was hoping I could have a day off today.
(Roan leaves through the general entrance, which still doesn’t really exist, but, seeing as the whole content of this story now no longer exists, this is hardly the major concern of most involved. Everyone else disappears for unknown reasons that involves complexes far too complex to be understood, and the set is left in silence, for the neon letters to morph from the phrase ‘Quiz Neopia’ to the phrase ‘The Meepit Show’. But, since nobody was there to observe it, it is debatable as to whether it made a sound or not.)