Pant Devil: Annoying Thief or Annoying Talker
In my last interview with the Jelly Chia, we had an unexpected visitor: the Pant Devil. During his visit, he made comments about how he’d be a better interviewee and how I should do a report about him instead. So a couple days ago I decided to take him up on his offer, and I called “his people” (which turned out to be an answering machine in an abandoned garage). We decided to meet at the Coffee Shop in the Deep Catacombs next Sunday at 1:00. And here I am, sitting in a booth with my trusty notebook, sipping a tigersquash cappuccino. Of course, my gelert Allastaire came along too, after the Sloth incident that happened the last time he was left alone. Those pesky Defenders of Neopia are still watching our house...
Finally, after several minutes of waiting, the Pant Devil waltzed in. The time was 2:30 on the dot as he sat down and flashed me a somewhat maniacal grin. It was at this time our conversation began.
Ubquitous (me): Gee, you’re only an hour and a half late. That’s a lovely way to treat someone who’s had to sacrifice their own time for you.
Pant Devil: Sorry. It’s just that I’ve been strapped for cash ever since I’ve got the lighting at my place fixed, and I knew that a coffee wouldn’t fit into my budget; so as I was coming here I noticed a gnorbu merchant with a cart full of goods. So I tried to swipe this expensive-looking book, but he caught me. I told him I needed the money real bad, but he said he didn’t think my situation was as bad as his. Then he told me his life story—apparently his home in Shenkuu was destroyed by flooding, and then his family was separated by an angry mob, yadda yadda yadda. *pauses* Anyways, now he caught reptillioritus and he can’t afford the cure, but he found a legendary treasure map and--
U: Is this going to end by any time soon?
P.D.: *nods* So I snatched the book from the old-timer as he was yapping and ran. Say, is the borovan here any good?
Allastaire: That’s lovely. *rolls eyes*
U: I’m going to cut to the chase right away since we started so late and all. So why are you called “Pant Devil”? I can see the “devil” part but not the “pant”. Care to explain?
P.D.: Well, it all started in middle school. Oh, I can remember those days. The lively roar of my classmates chatting, the smell of freshly baked lunches, the rhythm of flushing school toilets... It was heaven. Absolute heaven. *sighs*
U: *mouth gapes open* Uh huh. Please, go on.
P.D.: Anyways, one day I walked to school wearing a juppie on my head and phear on my back. You see, that was the style at the time. And then, suddenly, the sky became black as night. And it was only 9:00 in the morning, see? And then, out of nowhere it begun to rain—mortogs! Of course, that attracted the attention of the local doglefoxes’...
*Two hours later*
P.D.: *slams fist on table* And I told that Yooyuball ref that I was definitely NOT offside. And then he said I was in fact offside, but I told him I was in fact not. And then he asked if I rather go in the penalty box, and I told him no thanks, I’d be fine right where I was.
U: *wakes up* Wha-What? What happened? Yooyuball referees fell from the sky?
P.D.: Were you even listening? *frowns*
U: Yeah, but your tale was so wonderful I had to close my eyes and visualize it. So, how about you tell it to me again, but this time ONLY talk about how you got your name, okay?
P.D.: *smiles* Okay. So back in school I was a devilishly handsome lad and all the girls liked me. Of course, I still am. *batters eyelashes* Anyways, all the other boys got jealous and began to steal my sweets. Of course, being the clever individual I am, I found what was going on and stole them back. But then I went on a little power trip, and before I knew it I was taking EVERYBODY’S candy. I ate so much that my pants wouldn’t fit. And that is how I got the name “Pant Devil”.
U: *frowns* But how could you wear pants? You don’t even have legs!
A: Are you sure it wasn’t a... *smirks* skirt?
P.D.: Absolutely not! The master thief extraordinaire does not wear skirts. He does not--Now that I think of it... maybe it was a skirt. *sucks on finger* I think it was pink... nope, it was green-- No, it was definitely pink.
U: Okay, okay. So you ate so much candy your “pants’ wouldn’t fit... right?
P.D.: *pouts* No, that’s not how it happened at all. I just wanted attention... *tear rolls down cheek*
U: *moans* I have an idea. Why don’t we all be HONEST and tell each other what really happened. OKAY?
P.D.: But that IS what happened!
U: But you just told me you lied to get attention!
P.D.: No, I lied when I told you I lied to get more attention by lying! *smiles*
U: *confused* Okay, you know what? How’s about we forget that and move on to another topic, okay? *lets out a big breath* Hmm... Oh! What do you do with all that stolen merchandise?
P.D.: I feed it to the Esophagor.
P.D.: I feed *makes chewing motions* it to the Esophagor *stretches out arms to stimulate large body mass*.
U: So you’re telling me that you FEED furniture and plushies and books to the ESOPHAGOR?
P.D.: Well, yeah. You see, once I tried to jump some people who were feeding the Esophagor in an attempt to take the food they were bringing him, and the Esophagor got very, VERY angry. *whispers* I still have nightmares. *sits up* Anywho, I promised him only 95% of my stock. *leans in* I don’t like to brag, but I’m quite a business man.
A: *sarcastic* Have you ever considered playing the stock market?
P.D.: *ponders* Oh no, the stock market is simply not my thing. I’m actually more of a psy-- psy-- psy...
U: Psychopath? *smiles*
P.D.: *frowns* No, I was going to say psychiatrist. *smiles* I have a knack of solving problems. And you know what, Ubi... Can I call you Ubi?
P.D.: Many people have said that even though I’m not a certified psychiatrist, I definitely could be.
A: I don’t think they mean THAT when they say you’re certifiable.
U: *laughs* Okay, okay, so how about—
*An Acara waitress walks up to our table with a look of sheer boredom on her face*
Acara: *high pitched voiced* Yeah, whadda yah want?
P.D.: It’s about time somebody came! I have been over here for two hours and NOBODY has come to serve me. They serve vagabonds like these two *points to me and Allastaire* but not civilized folks like me! In all my years as a coffee drinker...
*Thirty minutes later*
P.D.: ...And for crying out loud, when somebody says they want cream you add cream! Not milk, but CREAM. What are you thinking?
Acara: *rolls eyes* And what will you be having today, sir?
P.D.: Actually, my appetite has been just about ruined. You know what; I WILL have a borovan, three sugars and some CREAM. You, madame, are lucky you have my business today!
Acara: *nods and walks away*
U: *sighs* Another coffee shop I won’t be able to come to again...
P.D.: *serious* I understand you have another question for me?
U: *straightens up* Uh, yeah. Is it true that your nickname is Panty? And who do you allow to call you by that? Definitely not the Jelly Chia, that’s for sure...
P.D.: Well, yes, that is my nickname. And I only allow my pet meepit to call me it.
U: I’m sorry, but were you implying that meepits can TALK?
P.D.: *stares out into space* Meepits can’t talk. Of course not. They’re just adorable little fuzz balls, is all. And if they could talk, they definitely would not talk about evil plans...
U: *backs away* All righty then.
*The Acara waitress comes back, carrying a cup of steaming borovan*
Acara: Your drink, SIR. *plops cup in front of the Pant Devil*
P.D.: Thanks, miss. *takes sip* Ah, the drinks here are great! Same with the service! You know, I think no other coffee shop in Neopia has service as great as this one!
U: *flabbergasted* But a minute ago you were complaining about the service! You went on about it for a half an hour!
P.D.: *frowns* I don’t remember that.
U: *mouth opens, then clamps down* You know what? I only have one question left! Great, eh? *shuffles through notebook* Ah, here we go. *looks up* So, er, Panty, how do you feel about the “I Taunt the Pant Devil” avatar?
P.D.: *sniffs* It’s so cruel, Ubi! So, so cruel! *buries face in hands and begins to sob*
A: *fed up* Here we go...
P.D.: *sits up surprisingly peppy again* Of course, I do deal with these emotions myself; because, like I said, I’m a very good psychiatrist! Sometimes I only cry for three hours straight!
U: *stifles laugh* Yeah?
A: *sits up* Oh, I have a question!
A: How much did you get for the book you swiped today?
P.D.: *out in space* Book? One time I read a book. It was “My First Book”. And it only took me two weeks.
U: *nervous* Oh look, that waitress is back with the bill!
*The Acara waitress places a bill in front of the Pant Devil*
Acara: Your bill comes out to 450 neopoints, sir.
P.D.: *hands the Acara a sack of neopoints* Thank you, madame.
U: I guess our interview is over. Thanks for sharing, Pant Devil. I’m sure this will be an excellent article and many people will enjoy reading—
P.D.: *scowls* Wait a minute! This waitress charged me extra! She charged me a whole two neopoints extra! *curls hands into fists*
U: *scared* Um, let’s not a get a bit carried away. It’s only two neopoints, now.
P.D.: I want my money back! And I’m not going to stop until I get it! *proceeds towards counter*
U: No, Panty! Don’t do it! No. NO!
After note: It’s been three days since the interview, and I’m guessing you want to know what happened. When the Pant Devil was ripped off a “whole” two neopoints, he attempted to shake the Acara waitress like a limp plushie to get it back. Off course, the Chia Police arrived just in time, and the Pant Devil flew out in panic. But don’t fret, the waitress did not have any injuries; she was only traumatized by the incident. Hey, maybe she should talk to the Pant Devil. He’s supposed to be a good psychiatrist...