Just How Smooth Was the Altador Cup 2?
Hello again, denizens of Neopia, however dastardly and devilish you may be. Last year I wrote an article about a certain sporting event, which was published here in the NT- and this is the follow up. Now, if you haven’t been living under a rock for the last few months- my apologies to many of the inhabitants of Tyrannia, I meant no offence to your… living preferences- you might have noticed that the Altador Cup graced Neopia with its presence. I went to this event with my Gnorbu Alachohol - mainly to cause bedlam and to make Alachohol look silly- and I saw everything that happened! Sure, you can read about the scores in the news, but can you read about the Unmentionable Incident Of The Exploding Slushies Underneath The Commentating Box? Well, no, because it’s so devious that it can’t be mentioned. But here is just a mere taste of the carnage we witnessed deep within the belly of the stands: the news that never got reported…
1) The referee was ambushed by a record four hundred and fifty one jealous fans from last year’s tournament, declaring that he’d ‘cheated, Haunted Woods had bribed him’, whilst another popular insinuation being ‘He stole my socks’. I asked him if he realised that his striped shirt didn’t compliment his eyes. He didn’t like that.
2) Yaniq Avaan, the Mystery Island goalkeeper was late for the VIP breakfast before the first match because his lengthy beard had become entangled in a ceiling fan in his sleep. Emergency hairdressers were called to the scene, and a spokesperson declared, ‘split ends were minimal.’
3) When entering the Colosseum, the bulky Haunted Woods defender Krell Vitor became trapped in the doorway. Finneus, the famous Altadorian scholar, charged at him wielding a savage pen, screaming that the Darkest Faerie had sent a hideous abomination to destroy Altador. He was taken away for counselling, but escaped days later.
4) A riot erupted after Faerieland lost their first match. A Darigan supporter was struck by a thrown turnip, and fled the battle screaming that his eyes were burning with turnip juice. He was taken to the Neopian Hospital shortly afterwards, where it was discovered that instead of rescuing the wounded individual, the hospital medics had bizarrely managed instead to rescue a small potted plant, which can now be seen on the receptionist’s desk. The Hospital issued an apology shortly afterwards.
5) The Haunted Woods star Zo Junior and Brightvalian defender Montecito were found planting a particularly large Bagguss Bomb inside a locker within the Darigan changing rooms. When questioned, they said, “Seriously, we were just giving it back.”
6) In an intense show of rivalry, a Darigan Yooyu attacked A Clockwork Yooyu, resulting in an incredible explosion. It’s uncertain which Yooyu was the victor, as the Darigan Yooyu was so dazed from its encounter it still can’t speak, whereas the Clockwork Yooyu is now being repaired by one of Kreludor’s best mechanics.
7) The mechanic demanded higher pay and was immediately removed from service.
8) Alachohol- who wasn’t pushed in any way- landed at the feet of the Shenkuu forward Mirsha Grelinek, clearly in an effort to get her attention.
Alachohol: My relationship with Mirsha is neutral! Really!
Aha. Sure. Yeah. The stuff he comes out with. Yesterday he told me that stealing was wrong! Young pets say the silliest of things…
9) A mind-boggling 703 injuries were recorded from Slushie Slinger headquarters, as overenthusiastic pets simply threw their Slushies too hard.
10) The Angry Techo has now achieved legendary status, with many Neopians signing a petition for him to be included in the Neopedia and have a personal statue erected in the Hall of Heroes. The petition was lost by the end of the tournament. If anyone knows where it is, please contact the Defenders of Neopia, as it has been giving some nasty paper cuts.
11) I managed to sneak into the Yooyu sleeping area and steal a snow one. Unfortunately it woke up, and I was found tied upside down from a lampshade the morning after.
12) Due to an unforeseeable logistics error, my plan of training a squadron of Fire Motes to fly around the pitch in a victory swoop whenever my team scored backfired and blew up the commentary box.
13) In an act of vengeance for Lost Desert’s across the board defeat of Maraqua, a hardcore GUP member hurled a Green Uni Morphing Potion into the Lost Desert changing rooms. Fortunately, the potion exploded yards away from any of the players, but left an interesting stain on the floor which Leera Heggle aptly called ‘a giant bogey’.
14) Although Make Some Noise was a huge crowd pleaser, it left many audience members deaf. A Terror Mountain fan took huge offence when I asked, “You want a slushie?” She had interpreted it as “Your face is ugly.” When she pulled out a Stone Club and threatened to knock my nose off, I told her it was Alachohol’s idea, and that he was very, very sorry.
15) The fancy paving stones outside the Colosseum- each one representing a different team- were so covered in muck halfway through the tournament that the Yurble Janitor was called in especially to help clean the mess. His presence was seen as a good omen for Altador, and fans eagerly awaited an Altador victory that day. They lost against Krawk Island.
16) A linesman who was painting the playing lines overnight let his mind wander and accidentally painted a giant cloud onto the field. It was a huge success with the cloud neopets attending, but did not amuse the referee, who said he could have at least added some shading to make the picture more realistic.
17) At the player cafeteria, the Virtupets goalie Z-4B Goalinator did not receive his top up of oil, as Tyrannian Scrap Taggart had drunk it as a dare. He had terrible wind for the rest of the night.
18) In an attempt to bring along a famous mascot, a group of Haunted Woods fans managed to ship the Esophagor into the Colosseum. However, its frantic pleas for food were heard by a guard, who went to investigate. This guard was eaten, and negotiations are still being made with the Esophagor to cough him back up.
19) I accidentally fell through the ceiling of the Darigan Citadel sleeping quarters. Layton Vickles was in a bit of a hissy fit. Ha, pun…
Alachohol: I can see you’re going to be the next big comedy icon.
20) It was rumoured that Queen Fyora was so disgusted with Faerieland’s running in the cup she asked the referee if it was cheating to put an enchantment on her team to make them play better. When the referee kindly told her that would be infringing on a certain ‘cheating’ rule, she locked herself away in the Hidden Tower and wrote terrible poetry for a few days.
21) Tandrak Shaye, the Darigan Forward, was told that the Altador Cup is in fact made of chocolate. He is now in a special dental unit for the next four weeks.
22) In a… unique… dastardly plot, it seems Doctor Sloth switched a snow Yooyu for a poisoned snowball. He must be running out of ideas.
23) The Krawk Island goaltender, Garven Hale, was recorded saying, “The thing about being a goalkeeper, is that you’ve got to stop goals being scored. That’s the main thing, yeah?” He’s always on top of his game, that guy.
24) There was a freak rain shower when Brightvale played Kiko Lake. Unfortunately, one of Brightvale’s forwards is in fact a giant plushie Skeith, who had to be taken off the field immediately after the match was over to be spin-dried by a well-trained team of cleaners. Luckily, he made a full recovery.
25) An aspiring young cameraman filmed the entire tournament; sure that he would win the new Neovision contest. It was only after he started editing the footage he realised that he’d left the lens cap on.
26) I managed to find all the cables leading from an electric generator to the Colosseum that provided all the lighting power. And by the way, I’m defining ‘find’, as ‘tripped over in such a way that all the cables were caught around my ankle, subsequently ripping them from the generator, causing it to explode and rain molten sparks into the now pitch black Colosseum, creating carnage and bedlam.’
27) Only an hour after it had been announced that Darigan Citadel had won the cup, hundreds of rumours were circulating around Neopia, one of the strangest being ‘TNT set the tournament up!’ Who this Mr ‘TNT’ is, is anyone’s guess, but I’m sure he wouldn’t want to set the tournament up.
28) When the tournament had ended, a small group of fans had begun to glue themselves to the outer wall of the Colosseum, telling confused passer-bys “we’re just getting a good spot for next year”.
29) In a celebratory victory party, Tandrak Shaye surprised everyone with excellent rave dancing, telling anyone who would listen, “I was practising last year, sure that we’d win, but I’ve been perfecting the technique since then. It’s not too hard; you just move your arms like this...”
He collided with a table shortly after issuing this statement.
30) On the way home, I realised I’d over-spent my neopoints and could only afford one ticket back to my lovely neohome.
Alachohol’s walking back right now. If any of you see a disco Gnorbu on your travels, tell him that he needs to buy a loaf of bread on the way back; we’re running short.
Congrats to everyone who played the AC2, feedback always appreciated.