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The Fabulous Guide to Being a Cool Poor Neopian


by concertogreat_8

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So you’re poor. Really, really poor. Perhaps you’re a newbie who has taken one look at the Games Room and run away screaming. Perhaps you’re an old, jaded Neopian who has tried every available Get Rich Quick guide and failed. Or maybe you were once rich, and the Pant Devil stole everything you owned. Why ever it is, it doesn't matter; what matters is that you’re now poor. But wait, don’t get discouraged yet! What a lot of people and pets fail to realize is that being poor can be just as cool as being rich. I mean, the real reason people want to be rich is to feel special and proud, right? Having the Adam avatar or a Durian Chia Pop is just so cool. So I am here to teach you in four easy steps how to be poor the right way, the cool way.

Step One: Look It.

First, the basics: no one looks twice at an ordinary, average neohome or a drab, normal-dressed Neopian. But if that Neopian were to be wearing something totally different and shocking, or if that neohome stood out like a sore thumb in the neighbourhood, don’t you imagine it would get a whole lot more attention, not to mention respect?

So, if you want to be cool, you have to look cool. I recommend raggedy, dark cloaks (they’re the least popular sort of clothes) and shoes with peeling soles, because they make a tremendous noise slapping against the pavement and get tons of attention. For that ordinary, boring neohome, make sure it’s 1. made of cardboard (accept no substitutes) 2. only three rooms at the very most, and 3. has dreadfully peeling paint. (If you were once rich, and still have the go-along neohome, just sell the furniture, donate the money to a worthy cause (I recommend the Dung Collectors Association) and tear down all those fancy rooms.) Now, you look really, really, poor. Good job; on to Step Two.

Step Two: Act It.

Now that you look the part, you’ve got to act the part as well. Make sure you visit the Soup Kitchen every day, also the Giant Omelette, and if there was a such thing, the Giant Jelly (but seeing as how there’s no such thing, you’ll just have to do without the jelly. Sigh).

Having no money to spend on toys, your pets are bound to always look depressed, but make sure you do too. No cheerful smiles, no matter how many looks of respect and admiration you’re getting. Be sure to shuffle when you walk and sigh a lot. Also, you could join a guild of Poor Neopians. It’ll be a really good experience, and you can pick up tips from other really, really cool people. Got that? Excellent; now on to Step Three.

Step Three: Advertise the Fact.

All those rich people bandy about their cool expensive avatars and stunningly painted pets, right? So you too need to bandy about your poorness. First, get some paints (they’re really, really cheap). Next, head on over to the Meridell Rubbish Dump. The Blue Kacheek in charge of the place will undoubtedly tell you very sadly that there is nothing there, but don’t be fooled; there are always some bits of wood and cardboard. Just dig until you find them. Alternately, if you feel your neohome is still looking a bit too spiffy, you could just tear off a hunk of wall. Anyway, now that you’ve got the materials, it’s time to make your signs. Paint really cool slogans onto them; a few I like are: ‘Poor and Proud of It’, ‘I Have Zero Neopoints!’ ‘I Have 72 Neopoints, What About It?’ or (the following is a paid advertisement): ‘Join Sloth’s Plan to Dominate Neopia!’ Erm, yeah, maybe not that last one, but you get the picture.

Another perfect way to show just how poor and cool you are is to start a Gallery. They’re not very expensive at all (100 - 400 NP for a reasonable sized one) and they are a great place to show off. Once you’ve gotten your Gallery all set-up with a really, really cool Gallery Keeper (that guy made of old rags and patches is perfect) and an even cooler, witty description and layout, it’s time to put in the collections. I usually go for dung (there’s all sorts out there!) but the possibilities are endless. A few are: Marine-Themed (kelp, sailboats from the Tombola, rotten shoes, etc.), Tombola-Themed (Tombola Pencil Sharpeners, Unlabelled Tin Cans, etc.), and Fish-Themed (any fish you want!).

Trophies are probably the most eye-catching thing out there, so why not get one? Unfortunately, most trophies also bring in money (definitely not something we want!). A really good one is the Neopian Times trophy. You get no money, but as well as recognition from the trophy, you are now held in high awe for being a writer!

So, now that you’ve advertised, you’re ready for Step Four.

Step Four: Share It.

Have you ever noticed that the most generous cool people are the most famous? I mean, why exactly is everyone talking about Jair Tollet? It’s simple: she’s kind and friendly, freely gives interviews and signs autographs. Elon Hughlis, however, one of the most talented players in Yooyuball history, isn’t very popular. Why? Because he’s close, stingy, doesn’t like to talk, etc.; get the point? You want to be really, really cool. So you need to be generous. If you’re hyper busy being famous and you’re always signing autographs and attending celebrity parties, in other words, too successful to spare much time, try printing flyers with How to be a Cool Poor Neopian guides on them. Hand them out at large events, or post them all over your neighbourhood. You’re sure to get a lot more visitors.

Alternately, if you really want to get involved, the Pound is a great place to hang out. There’s always cheerful-and-confused-looking newbies that wander in, charmed by the idea of adopting rather than creating. Take one (and their new pet (s)) under your wing. Mentor them. They’ll be poor, of course, and generally confused as to how Neopia works. Give them a guide; help them to become really, really super cool.

On the other hand, if the idea of mentoring a newbie frightens you (you’ll probably be remembering your first days here when people crowded around you offering ‘helpful’ advice), you could just write a book, either all about becoming a Cool Poor Neopian, or about your experience as one. Distribute signed copies free (free things always draw enormous crowds, and signed things draw even more). Guaranteed someone there will be a reporter, and will write at least a short (but quite possibly very long) column about you in the newspaper.

So remember, the more generous you are, the more famous you’ll be. Keeping that in mind, it’s time for Step Five.

Step Five: Enjoy It.

Reel in the riches! Well, figuratively, anyway. Revel in your glory, bask in the admiration, respect, and awe that pours in. With these simple steps, you’re well on your way to becoming the coolest, poorest Neopian out there. So what are you waiting for? Get going!

Disclaimer: the author and any of her affiliates are not responsible in any way for any incidents, mishaps, or dissatisfaction resulting from this article.

 
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