Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 144,089,195 Issue: 303 | 3rd day of Hiding, Y9
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The Jelly Chia: Evil, or Publicly Humiliated?


by ubquitous

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The Jelly Chia: Evil, or In Need of Therapy?

As you pass by the old chocolate factory, you can hear the faint screams of a poor Neopian who was sadly eaten by his own food-creation, a creation so terrifying that Dr. Sloth himself would cry for his mommy and grab his bunny slippers, Mr. Wuzzle and Mr. Luzzle. But who is this creature? And why would it ever be driven to do such a horrible thing? And is it REALLY evil, or does it just need some professional help? Well, dear reader, all this will be uncovered in the FIRST interview with the Jelly Chia. So hold on tight to your seat; this is going to be a bumpy ride!

Getting an interview with the Chia wasn’t all that hard. I simply grabbed my unwilling assistant, my Gelert Allastaire, and dragged him down to the old factory. Before I knew it he was dripping in strawberry jelly, which, if you know your stuff, is the perfect bait for a food-obsessed maniac. Now that I think about it, taunting a deranged Neopet with a loved one swabbed in jelly probably isn’t the brightest idea, but then again I’m not the brightest person either. Anyways, this eventually resulted in the Jelly Chia running, er, jiggling out of the shadows and taking us back into the dusty office of the factory. And that is where this interview took place.

Ubquitous (me): I guess that I should ah, tell you what I’m writing about and why.

Jelly Chia: I thought you were writing about me.

U: Yeah but, there’s a theme and—

Jelly Chia: Nobody ever likes the Jelly Chia! Nobody wants an interview with him! He’s not important! He’s stupid! He’s a big, fat, slab of jelly! *slams head against wall* Nobody *slam* likes *slam* me!

U: That’s not true! I’m sure many of our readers will be waiting to read our interview!

Allastaire: *sitting in a corner eating a cookie* Definitely! *rolls eyes*

U: *Gives Allastaire a look* See, Mr. Jelly Chia Sir? The whole of Neopia is counting on this interview.

J.C.: *straightens up* Did you know the Pant Devil likes to be called Panty?

U: ...

Allastaire: Well?

U: ...Moving on. So, Mr. Jelly, how did you get to be such an evil member of our society?

J.C.: Once upon a time, a deranged confectioner by the name of Wizzle wanted to create something that would make him famous and rich. He planned to create an 'edible friend', a pet who would be your buddy until you decided it was time to eat it. And then—

U: Um, I think that’s directly out of the Gallery of Evil, is it not? Would you mind using your own words, please?

J.C.: *rolls eyes* M’kay. It was a long time ago, and my creator Wizzle decided to make a friend that you could eat. But I didn’t know Wizzle planned to eat me! He was my best friend. *sniffs* I was rich, RICH, and now, without him, I have nothing. NOTHING, I TELL YOU! *breaks down to uncontrollable sobbing*

U: Oh, Mr. Jelly Chia...

J.C.: *hyperventilating*

U: Um, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to press on with this interview... So, what happened to Wizzle?

J.C.: *blowing into paper bag* The time came when Wizzle wanted to eat me. Unfortunately, I was practicing my tap lessons *Allastaire stifles a laugh* I was trying a different routine. Jazzy, yet surprisingly sophisticated. And when Wizzle came up to me, I lost my balance and tripped—I FELL ON HIM! Before I knew it he was fading away into a pile of dreadful, yet delicious, blueberry jelly.*sobs*

U: *shakes head* Why wouldn’t you explain what happened? Why would you just sit there and lie about launching yourself purposely on your best, not to mention only friend?

J.C.: *rolls eyes* Well, duh! People were going to call me a monster anyway, so I might as well be an uber spiffy one!

A: *says under breath* I’m not sure if that worked out for you.

U: Um, okay. So I heard some rumors that you’re writi--

J.C. (whispers): *curls up into a ball and begins to rock back and forth* Wizzle’s not coming back, is he?

U: I’m, I’m afraid not. But, you should be happy that soon Neopia will know that you’re not a monster, and you have real live feelings.

A: *sarcastically* Lots of them.

U: Anyways, what I was trying to say before you had that little episode was that there are lots of rumors going around that you’re writing an autobiography. Could you give us any details on that?

J.C.: * nods* Yes, I am writing an autobiography. It’s called, “Jelly Chia, I Hardly Knew Thee”. It’s basically about my hardships. Y’know, the tap dancing accident, the name-calling, that horrible new low-fat doughnutfruit... Seems like a best seller, doesn’t it?

U: *amused, yet terrified at the thought* M-hmm?

J.C.: Oh, and let’s not forget the chapter about the Pant Devil. I’m putting in all his scandalous secrets. That is, unless he can deliver the goods on time! *evil laughter*

U: *backs away a couple inches* I understand you and he are not on the best terms.

J.C.: *stomps foot* Definitely not! Do you know what he calls me, do you? He calls me Tubby! And just because Wizzle made me bulky so I could last a lifetime. Or a week. Besides, the ladies of Neopia love these curves.

A: *whispers* Are you sure they’re not rolls?

U: *glares at Allastaire* Sorry to come back to the subject, but I’m just making sure. So, nobody else except for the three of us know what really happened that fateful day?

J.C.: I told you, nobody knows. *puts hand to head* Well, now that I think about it, I told the Lupe at the Toy Shop and the Kiko at the Chocolate Shop, but they didn’t believe me. But you do, right? YOU BELIEVE ME, DON’T YOU? *grabs me and repeatedly shakes me*

U: *words come out slurred on accountant of shaking* Y-Y-YE-YES!

J.C.: *releases me* Oh my meepit! I almost forgot to include my very, very important message! I really, REALLY need to include it!

U: *takes a few deep breathes, then nods* Okay, just tell me what it is.

J.C.: *gets down on knees and begs* Please? Please please please? Pleasity please pleasers?

U: *says through grit teeth* Can you just tell me what it is?!

J.C.: Oh, why didn’t you just say so? Okay, I’m ready. I’ve been rehearsing this for WEEKS. *takes a deep breath* Fellow Neopians, during this summer I would like you to be constantly alert about the most possible hair-raising thing to ever find its way into Neopia. Now, I know what you’re thinking! Yes, dear friends, it’s the horrors of rubber bands around mail tubes! *Allastaire stifles yet another laugh* To all those that think it might not be a factor in safety *glares at Allastaire*, think of this. You are opening up your long-awaited mail tube, when suddenly the rubber band that’s securing the lid snaps off and hits you in the eye! No, I know this can happen because, believe me; I get a lot of threats! *smiles proudly*

U: Yes, thanks for that, er, important message. I’ll be sure to pass it on.

*At this point, the Pant Devil swoops in from the broken window, which, quite frankly, almost gives me a heart attack*

Pant Devil: Hey Tubs! Heard you were got an interview! About time! Although, I really don’t know who would want to interview you! *floats over to me* You much rather interview me, wouldn’t you?

U: *gets up* At this point, I’ve had just enough of both of you!

Pant Devil: *pouts* But I just got here! How could you judge me so soon?

J.C.: *grabs me* That’s right! She’s all mine!

Pant Devil: *grabs my notebook* (I filled this part in later) Well, if I can’t have this report, nobody can! *laughs evilly and is about to rip the notebook, but then stops* Wait... It says here that you told her my secret nickname was Panty! How dare you?

J.C.: *crosses arms* Oh yeah, what’d ya gonna do about it?

Pant Devil: *snarls*

J.C.: Panty! Panty! PANT-Y!

Pant Devil: *slowly advancing towards Jelly Chia, his hands curled into fists*

U: *eyes wide* Um, thanks for the interview, Mr. Jelly, it was an eye opening experience, I’ll be sure to put your ah, little message in. *snatches notebook from Pant Devil* Thanks for dropping by, er, “Panty”. We should do lunch sometime. Adios! *grabs Allastaire and runs out of building in fear for life*

After note: Yes, in case you were wondering, I did get out of the chocolate factory safely. The Pant Devil did require 17 stitches, and the Jelly Chia did have to get a “jelly-transferring” procedure, but at the end the interview was very worthwhile. Oh, and if you see the Pant Devil, be sure to call him Panty!

-Ubquitous

 
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