It’s the beginning of a new year in Neopia, and that means resolutions! Everyone likes to set goals for the year to come, especially me. I came up with some—what do you mean it’s summer? Of course it’s not summer... =looks at calendar= Oh, you’re right, maybe it is summer... Oh, well, it’s never too late to make resolutions! Here are some good ones in case you need any help thinking some up.
1) Become a super hero
I’m sure everyone would love to be a super hero. The cape, the tights, you’ve just gotta love it all. Maybe you want the fame and the glory, or maybe you just like helping Neopians in need (phft, what a loser) but I’m sure everyone longs to be a super hero. I’d recommend trying out for the Defenders of Neopia, as they have the most recognition. However, you could take the hard way and try to work your way up to super hero-dom by yourself... but who wants to work? Which leads me to the next resolution...
2) Have a successful year in Neopia without working at all
Maybe you are really lazy, but you love Neopets so much that you can’t drag yourself away from it... not even for the gnomes. Ahem, moving on... But if you’re so lazy, then how are you going to earn your neopoints? How are you going to paint your pets? How are you going to achieve world domin- um, I mean, world peace? By hiring yourself a few servants! Just have one of your pets dress up as Dr. Sloth and command helpless, wandering pets to be your servants. No work at all!
3) Achieve world domination!!!!!!! Mwa ha ha ha! Ahem... yeah...
So you’re one of those Neopians striving for power. You want every single Neopet to bow down at your feet. The perfect resolution for you is world domination! What could please you more than having complete control over every single Neopet ever made? Plus, you’d get to hang out with all the coolest villains from the Gallery of Evil. Even though they’d all be under your power. Even the Gallery of Evil would be under your power! Maybe I should try that... nah.
4) Find Jelly World!
Jelly World? What Jelly World? We all know Jelly World doesn’t exist. What kind of a resolution is that? Moving on...
5) Become a Faerie!
Who cares about Faerie paint brushes when you can be an actual faerie? To achieve this resolution, all you have to do is convince the Faerie Queen to host a great new game show. In this game show, two contestants will try out to be a faerie. Once she decides to do the show, all you have to do from there is win! No problem... right? Wait... there’s no television in Neopia? Oh... back to square one with that one, I guess.
6) Earn all the Neopoints in Neopia
Rich, rich, rich! That’s what you’ll be if you achieve this resolution. Even though it sounds hard, it’s easy, I promise. The bank will never suspect you if you dress in all black and bring a giant sack to store all the money in. Now excuse me while I take my money out of the bank... =scurries over to bank and withdraws all her money= Thank you. As I was saying, you’ll be the richest person in Neopia. And possibly the only person in Neopia, once everyone finds out that all their money is gone and they have to start over from scratch and this time, it wasn’t just a dream.
7) Buy gnomes!
This is one of my all-time favorites. There’s nothing better after a hard day’s work than the sight of a gnome in your front garden. And even better than a gnome outside is a gnome inside! This resolution involves buying hundreds of gnomes and placing them on every clean surface in your house. Soon enough, there’ll be little guys with pointy hats and long beards guarding your flowers, chairs, and toilets. You won’t be able to escape their wonderfulness. Because I’m sure everyone agrees with me that gnomes are wonderful. Right? RIGHT? Or am I going to have to send out my army of gnomes? Okay. I thought you would agree.
8) Buy carrots!
This resolution is especially important if you’re planning on doing Number 7. Gnomes love eating carrots, and if you’re going to have hundreds of gnomes, you’re going to need thousands of carrots! Even if you aren’t buying gnomes, carrots are a must. They are a great source of, uh, vegetable-y-ness, and they taste good, too! =shoves whole carrot in mouth= Mmmm!
9) Buy Meepits!
Buy Meepits because they deserve to rule the world. Why rule the world yourself when you can have the Meepits do it for you?
=screams= Ah! Help! The Meepits made me do it, I swear!
Back to the resolutions...
10) Earn a Neopoint
Those gnomes you bought sure did wipe out your bank account. Good thing you have... a Neopoint left. Look at it, alone in that bank account. Maybe it could use a friend. Go out and double your Neopoints! Instead of one, have two. There are three ways to do this. The first way is to play a game you’re good at, but wipe out when you have a score of one. The next way is to play a game you’re really bad at, as you’re sure to wipe out when you have a score of one. The last way is to collect your interest while you’re still at the bank. But why do anything the easy way?
11) Do a happy dance! YAY!
What better way to celebrate than to do a little dance? Everyone is happy about Year 9, even the people that haven’t been on in 900 days. And counting.
12) Write an article that lists resolutions, which you started in the winter but never finished until the summer but it’s never too late to make resolutions so you still attempt to get it published
What kind of a resolution is that? Oh... that’s my resolution. I knew that. I was just making sure you were paying attention... Wait a minute, aren’t I doing that right now? WOW! That means that for once in my life, I have actually followed through with one of my resolutions! GROOVY!
So... there’s some nice resolutions for you to make this... summer. Now get to work, you seriously don’t have all year anymore. Good luck!