Invisible Paint Brushes rock Circulation: 186,904,163 Issue: 171 | 31st day of Celebrating, Y6
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

Neoschool Survival: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!


by tambourine_chimp

--------

Lessons.

Let’s face it, no matter how much they teach you, you’re bound to want to miss one or two lessons every now and then. I know I do and I don’t think you or your pets will be any different.

But as times change, it seems that teachers have evolved, have become more smart and susceptible to untrue excuses. Maybe this is because the majority of excuses are lame, 2D lies that even a Grundo could suss out given half the time, or most likely it’s because the teachers themselves who used the selfsame excuses back in the day when they were trying to fob-off their teacher.

So, in either case, what is a wannabe truant to do? After all, too many lessons are bad for your health…or is that spoils the broth? Never mind, the key to missing lessons and getting away with it is by using believable excuses, and hopefully this article will help you towards your goal.

The Average Excuse – When’s the Right Time for One?

Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes an average excuse note is all that’s needed…if your teacher happens to be a mutant Kacheek who goes by the name of Mr. Undead-Zombiepants.

In other words, unless you can tell that your teacher has a collective IQ less than his fingers and toes, then stick to the examples I am about to give.

Playing-off of Your Teacher’s Emotions

Take these two excuses:

Dear Teacher,

Timmy couldn’t make it to your lesson today as he was out shopping for my Christmas party.

Sincerely,

Timmy’s owner.

This is okay, but what about this one?

Dear Teacher,

If you’re wondering why my darling little Timmy never turned up for lessons yesterday, it’s because he was giving-up his own time and valuable education to fulfill my needs and complete my Christmas shopping. Now, should you happen to punish Timmy for his absence, then may I just say that you are going against the spirit of Christmas and all it stands for, and are nothing but a old Scrooge.

Sincerely,

Timmy’s Owner.

PS: Hope you like the Christmas card attached to this note, have a good one!

Now, which one of the above two excuses do you think the teacher will be most likely to fall for; the plain old excuse or the super-duper new one that plays-off his sense of Christmas tidings and goodwill to all?

Of course he’ll let the absence slide if he receives letter number two, the additional card or gift heightening your chances considerably, may I add. It’ll add warmth to his heart and a tear to his eye to read about your willing self-sacrifices.

But it’s not just Christmas this can be used for, either…you can have birthdays, Easter, anything really as long as you make it sound as if you did the right thing missing the lesson.

Out-of-This-World: Using Aliens

Aliens, I hear you say? Surely my teacher wouldn’t fall for that? The only aliens that are known to us are Grundos, and he’s one of them! What is TC on about now, just when the advice was getting good?

Well, as long as you make the excuse sound as amazing and astounding as possible, while at the same time not mentioning what the aliens were or what they looked like, you can use this excuse to hoodwink even the smartest of teachers (most of which are UFO-buffs anyway).

Here’s an example:

MASTER OF ALL KNOWLEDGE AND POWER,

WE, THE UNDERSIGNED ALIEN LIFE FORMS, HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO BORROW YOUNG TIMMY FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND…SORRY, WE MEAN PETKIND. HAD WE NOT TAKEN HIM FROM HIS EVERYDAY LIFE HERE ON YOUR PLAIN LITTLE NEOPIA, IT WOULD’VE BEEN TOTALLY OBLITERATED BY A METEOR MADE OF ALL OF DOCTOR FRANK SLOTH’S MONTH-OLD ROCK-HARD SOCKS. THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A SMELLY, LET ALONE STICKY END TO YOUR FAIR RACE, SO WE SUGGEST YOU PRAISE TIMMY WITH THE UTMOST APPRECIATION, GIVING HIM A+’S IN ALL HIS EXAMS, WHETHER HE PASSES THEM OR NOT. FOR REMEMBER! HAD HE NOT SHOT THE SOCKY-METEOR WITH A TON OF WASHING POWDER, YOU WOULD NOT BE HERE NOW, READING THIS NOTE.

YOURS THANKFULLY,

THE SPACE ALIENS.

PS: DO NOT FORGET, A+’S!!!

Now, most teachers would take this for granted as many hope all their lives to make contact with life forms unknown…and because they’ll believe anything if it involves a stinking attack from Sloth himself.

Be prepared to be called the savior of the planet, and to receive bountiful A+’s…

Sick Notes – Make Them Realistic

Teacher sniffed at your note of a cold? Has he coughed at your excuse for a sore throat? Or maybe he just said nothing when you tried to explain your case of laryngitis? Teachers can be the hardest, cruelest of creatures at the worst of times, and when you’re horribly sick is typically one of these times.

So what can you do when every feeble excuse for every know disease in Neopia gets swatted away without a second though?

The answer? Give proof

For example, if you happened to really have a severe case of Shaky Flakys, then instead of just presenting your teacher with a note when your cured, tape a few flakes of dried skin to the corner of it as proof you’re not fibbing.

Your teacher won’t be able to deny the truth, and who knows? Maybe he’ll get sick himself by the site of all the flaky skin!

Homework – The Thing Excuses Were MADE For

Oh, almost forgot! How can anyone compile an article on how to successfully use excuses with exploring the one essential part of school-life that they’re really needed in.

I am, of course, talking about the dreaded “H” word, that bane of banes, that horror of horrors, that “H” word that you’ve probably already read in the last title: HOMEWORK!

No matter what dreary-eyed, saddened students tell you, there is a way of getting around this horrid thing with lifting pen to paper…or finger to keyboard, if you happen to own a typewriter.

Now, homework excuses can either be use alone, or in conjunction with other excuses. What do I mean by this? Well, here’s an example of a stand-alone excuse for HW:

Timmy could not do his homework as I had forgotten to pay the bill for his concentration. The people at the bank said that he was already over-drafted and there was nothing I could do but pay-up. Hopefully you won’t mind this time, but look on the bright side! At least now he’ll pay more attention in lessons!

Sincerely,

Timmy’s Owner.

Now this sounds fascinating, and may well achieve your teacher’s acceptance…as long as you pay attention to his next few lessons, or at least pretend to.

An excuse that is in conjunction with another is like so:

“Dear Teacher,

Sorry I could not hand in my homework, as I had to give it to Space Aliens for them to examine and decide if I was of the high-standard they needed to go on a mission with them to save Neopia from a laundry meteor. Hope you understand, and although homework is good for me, this is for the greater good!

Timmy.”

Sound familiar…? Well, it should, for it acts as an introductory excuse for your absence excuse written by the aliens themselves!

…if that made any sense to you, that is.

Well, the “lesson” ends here for now, but be sure to look out for further lessons. Next: Translating Teacher-Talk.

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

Thrills, Ink Spills and Golden Quills
I don’t ask for much this festive season,
A few messages from my fans would be somewhat pleasing.


by plushieowner

---------

Lost and Forgotten
What bothered Vrandir the most was the fact that most people and Neopets were afraid of ghosts, especially one that resembled the feared Ghost Lupe...

by lunagirl52

---------

10 More Things You Shouldn't Do In Neopia
As you may, or may not have noticed, Neopia's hazards are ever increasing. You've just gone out and bought yourself a nice Charm of Rabid Snowbunny Repellent, and suddenly find yourself amidst a flock of hungry mutant Babaas...

by tracypaper12

---------

NeoComp
Me, Myself, and Talking Sock.

by chibikatza



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.