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Five Easy Steps To Become A Successful Pirate

by decarious


In honour of the new Journey to Lost Isle plot, I’ve decided to share the secrets of my success with the whole of Neopia--how I became the great pirate that I am. It should be noted that the steps should be taken in the order they are listed. Otherwise, I can not guarantee success. Fair winds, mateys (and readers)!

1. Buy a hat. A big one. With a Feather.

A pirate’s appearance plays a big role in becoming successful. I mean, come on! Would you take anyone (let alone an “angry Pirate”) seriously, if he were wearing a pink tutu with doglefox slippers on? So, let’s start with the basics:

Headgear: The utmost basic of pirate apparel is the red headband. Most people can pull this off, and it’s probably the most cost effective. But if you’re aiming high, then you want a hat. And if you’re aiming higher, you want a BIG, noticeable hat. There are a few varieties to choose from: toy pirate hat-- cheap and a bit flashy (downside is they aren’t very sturdy, but you CAN buy them in bulk so you have one when they fall apart in the salty sea air); you can also find the Scarblade Pirate Hat-- made fashionable of course by one of Neopia’s most famous pirates, or the generic Pirate Captains Hat (it’s got a feather). Personally, I would recommend the Pirate Captains Hat, as it has everything one could want of a pirate hat: it’s durable, it’s fashionable, and it’s noticeable and commands attention.

Accessories: Accessories are another must for Pirate garb. Everyone associates Pirates with three things: 1. an eye patch, 2. gold jewellery, and 3. a shiny cutlass. Let's observe these three objects for just a second-- Eye patches are the epitome of cool and you will be too if you’re seen wearing one. The best part about eye patches is that you don’t have to be missing an eye to wear one (can you say bonus?!). The gold jewellery is another plus. Not only does it show off your status and success, but again, it looks good and most people can pull it off. If you can’t right now afford a gold earring, there are plenty of substitutes (I hear they make Candy Pirate Earrings) that you should be able to find. Our last accessory necessity is the pirate sword. Each pirate will have a sword that he or she is comfortable using, be it a Pirate Captains Cutlass, a Toy Pirate Sword, or a Sword of Skardsen. This isn’t only a must, but it’s a need as well. In the Pirate world, things can get pretty rowdy; it’s best to have a means to protect yourself and what’s rightfully yours (even if it wasn’t to begin with). Some other accessories that one might consider are: a pirate sash (a nice light belt to accent your lovely and menacing boots), your pirate socks and a bird of some sort to sit on your shoulder--though an undead monkey will do well if a bird isn’t available.

2. Swash the Buckle and man the poop-deck!

Now you look the part of a Pirate, but can you talk like one as well? You can look convincing, but it would all be lost if you can’t act the part in full. I’ve included a few words/phrases that could come in handy to you if you’re stuck in a sticky situation.

Ahoy!: Hello/Hi there!

Avast: Stop/Who goes there?

Booty: Treasure/Something of Value/Loot

Davy Jones’ Locker: The bottom of the ocean (not a good place to be sent)

Hands/All hands on deck: Your loyal crew

Jolly Roger: The well known black and white skull and cross-bones Pirate Flag

Maroon: Left on a native and uncivilized island

Weigh Anchor: Pull the anchor up/ Leave Port

Yo-ho-ho: A nice Piratey sounding phrase of no particular meaning

If all else fails, and you don’t know what to say or do, just grunt loudly in a menacing sort of way, and I’m sure everything will fall in place for you. You can also make sure to get some practice in on National Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19th).

3. Who are ye, scallywag?

Step three to becoming successful in the Pirate world is to create a name for yourself. And by this, I mean both literally and figuratively speaking, of course. Let's talk first about the literal aspects.

Typically speaking, there are a few titles that you can possess as a Pirate. You can leap right into the title of Captain, you can carry the title of Lord or Lady, Sir-- the list can go on and on. You can also pick your title based on a physical attribute you possess--Dirty Decarious or Black Toe, for example. Your name should strike fear into the hearts of those who hear it (somehow, Lord FuzzywaddlesMcCutie just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore), and you’re going to have to live up to it, so be creative but sensible.

As for figuratively making a name for yourself-- you want people to hear of you, and your tales of leaving no survivors (even if the furthest you’ve gone is into that stream behind your Neohome), and to be both afraid and in awe of you. It helps a bit to start rumours around the local ports about yourself, you know... the things you heard about Captain So-and-so from your fifth cousin’s friend’s sister. Don’t get too outlandish! Again, you’re going to have to live up to what ever you say about yourself. If it doesn’t add up, people and other Pirates may start to doubt you.

You’ve got your Pirate garb, you can talk the talk, you walk down the street and people are practically paying you not to steal their gold-- but you’re not quite a Pirate yet. We’ve got a few steps left to go.

4. All hands on deck!

Now that everyone knows who you are, you should have people lining up to go out on the next adventure with you. And you want to make sure you pick only the very best of maidens, damsels, and lowlifes to crew your ship. Keep a weathered eye out-- mutinies are none uncommon. Pick only those you trust, and those who look none the wiser. This way you lessen your chances of having to walk the plank and leave your ship in the hands of others. Pick only those who look strongest, most experienced, and weathered: quality hands ensure a quality voyage.

5. Find a Ship. Better yet, commandeer one.

The final step to becoming a successful Pirate, is to find yourself a boat-- uh, ship. Something large and in charge (so to speak). A ship with a commanding presence. A ship that forebodes treachery anytime someone sees its sails. A ship of which dead men tell no tales. With this ship, you’ll carry out your first act of Piracy, by commandeering it. That is to say-- borrow without asking, and with no intentions what so ever of returning it. It could be a difficult task, but I’m sure you can pull something off. You’ll have to or all this will be for naught. Once you’ve commandeered your ship, the next thing to do is to properly name it. Remember, you want something “GRR ARG!”, not “Sweet’n’Fluffy”.

Look at you, Pirate. You’ve got a ship, a loyal crew... What are you waiting for? Set the mainsails and weigh anchor! You’ve got treasure to find and ships to pilfer.

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