A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll! Circulation: 139,732,769 Issue: 292 | 18th day of Hunting, Y9
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War Letters: Darigani


by nimras23

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To: King Skarl

From: Lord Kass

A gift for King Skarl from the Lord and Master of Kass Citadel in the hopes the peace between our peoples can be maintained.

*

To: Morguss

From: Lord Kass

Your dancing daughter has been sent, and is now in the fat slob’s court. I hope this plan of yours works; I don’t want Meridell to be able to prepare a defense before we strike. I want this to be a quick war with a cowed population as soon as possible.

-Kass

*

To: Lord Kass

From: Lady Morguss

Have no doubt in my daughter’s abilities, My Lord. I trained her to dance myself. There’s no way anyone in that potato infested kingdom could resist her wiles. I only worry about her disguise, that hideous brown colored fur. Is that actually considered attractive down there? What on Neopia has happened to taste?

-Your ever loyal servant, Morguss

*

To: My Loyal Agent

From: Lord Kass

Zafara, Vex is proving... vexing. His loyalties aren’t known yet and he has a history of independent thought and action. You must determine where his loyalties lie, and preferably get him to swear fealty to me. Time is pressing; make haste.

-Kass, Lord and Master

*

To: Vex

From: Zafara

Better keep an eye out, his high pompousness is starting to have suspicions about your loyalty. You might want to start showing up at some of the rallies and looking a little more enthusiastic about your Lord’s grand scheme of world domination. Your lack of wings may prove to be a problem mid-plummet down to Meridell if he’s not convinced.

-Z

*

To: Zafara

From: The Vexed Mynci

Maybe I’m just strange, but it’s a little hard for me to work up enthusiasm for this insane plan. Does he honestly think that that hag’s daughter can hypnotize the entire country into surrendering? I personally have a bit of a phobia about ending up at the point of that blue Lupe Champion’s sword. If we lose, you’re going to put in a good word for me with the Meridellians, right?

-Vex

*

To:Vex

From:Zafara

I’ve learned a disturbing new bit of news after flipping though our Lord’s mail. Did you know that Morguss trained her daughter to dance? Either there is a big chunk of her history I don’t know about, or her shuffling limp is one of the best disguises I’ve ever seen. Which one are you placing bets on?

-Z

*

To: Zafara

From: Vex

Oh sweet Fyora, we’re doomed. I don’t suppose you want to run away with me to Brightvale? I hear the dungeon keeper business there is booming.

...What else did you find in his mail? I’m dying to know.

-Vex

*

To: Vex

From: Zafara

You’re forgetting; either way this war goes, I’m on the winning side. It’s all about planning ahead, my dear Mynci. However, I will put in a good word for you with whoever comes out on top; I’m too fond of you to like the idea of your head on a pike. If anyone is going to decapitate you at some point, it’s going to be me.

And you don’t want to know about the rest of the mail. I’ll leave it at the fact that your glorious leader has a subscription out to “Usuki Monthly.”

-Z

*

To: Zafara

From: Vex

Err, thanks about the decapitation bit. I think. Oddly, that last bit didn’t really make me feel better...

Anyways, I’ll take that bit of advice from you and attend next Thursday’s rally. At the very least it’ll give me a chance to get some fresh air; it’s a little dank in here and Prisoner Number 5 has really been getting on my nerves lately. I think if I hear one more blurb about Jelly World, I’m going to go bonkers.

-Vex

*

To: Mother

From: Your darling dancing daughter

So far our plan is working perfectly. The King is twisted around my (disgustingly brown) little finger and the rest of the court is happily eating out of my hands. Another week or two and I should have control over most of the countryside. Last night a town of my minions chased off a group of knights -- it seems they won’t attack their own citizens even if the farmers attack them first. Nice to know, huh? It may be easier to take over this country than we originally thought.

-D

*

To: Vex

From: Galgaroth

The Hag’s plan seems to be working disgustingly well. I’m sending my son Galgarrath down to help you in the dungeons -- I’m afraid Kass is starting to suspect my loyalty. It’s probably just my overactive paranoia; what’s the worst he can do, jump up and down screaming “Kill him!” over and over?

-G

*

To: Galgaroth

From: Vex

I wish I had your confidence. Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone gets flung off the Citadel.

I suppose if things get too bad, I hear our leader has an obsession with Usukis. Don’t know if you can use that to your advantage or not, but I thought I’d pass on that bit of info.

-V

*

To: Citadel Notice-board Management

From: Lord Kass

To be posted on all bulletins:

When I find out who stole my priceless heirloom, I’ll have them flung from the tallest tower down to that soggy potato farm below! Reward of 1 million for its return.

*

To: Galgaroth

From: Vex

Galgaroth! You didn’t steal his Usuki! “Priceless heirloom” indeed. I think I’m dying of laughter over here.

-V

*

To: My Loyal Agent

From: Lord Kass, the glorious

Zafara! Forget the Meridellians, discover who has stolen my precious! Rest without my Jeran Usuki is impossible!

-Kass, your Lord and Master

*

To: Vex

From: Zafara

Well, this war is going all to Jhudora. I’ve been pulled off spying on the Meridellians so I can search the Citadel for the Future World Dictator’s precious Jeran Usuki. Is that offer of yours to run away to Brightvale still open?

I’m debating if I should pass this information onto the Meridellians or not. I’m not quite sure they’d believe me.

-Z

*

To: King Skarl

From: Your Loyal Agent

It’s come to my attention that Kass is missing one of his ‘comfort’ items. A Jeran Usuki. I’m not sure how this can be used to our advantage, but I’m sure it has potential for... something.

Did you have something to do with this? Apparently Kass hasn’t slept since its disappearance.

-Zafara

*

To: Vex

From: Galgaroth

Someone stole Kass’s Jeran Usuki doll?

...Kass had a Jeran Usuki doll? Wish I could take the credit for stealing it, but I had no idea he had one. It would be a brilliant tactical hostage, though.

-Galgaroth

*

To: Galgaroth

From: Vex

Wait, you didn’t steal it? Then who did!?!

-Confused Vex

*

To: My Daughter

From: Mommy Morguss

I found a cute little Jeran Usuki doll in the war room that will be perfect for laying a curse on that stupid Champion. It’s not an exact figure of him (after all, he’s a Lupe and this is an Usuki) but the resemblance should be close enough that I can stuff it full of pins and affect him somehow. Maybe rip its ears and tail off. I’m sure our Lord will be most pleased with the results. I’m not cocky enough to tell Kass until I’m sure if it’s had some effect or not, though. Let’s just keep it between us for now.

-Your loving mother

*

To: Vex

From: Zafara

The remains of a Jeran Usuki were found in the garbage heap this morning. Actually, it was a rather soggy, burnt mass of blue cloth with no ears or tail in a Jeran Usuki set of armor. Kass is foaming at the mouth and hasn’t spoken coherently since. I think he’s finally gone completely mad.

I heard during his ravings he had Galgaroth thrown in prison; since you’re the warden, mind telling me what the crime was?

-Z

*

To: Citadel Notice-board Management

From: The Glorious, Powerful, and Omniscient Lord Kass

To be posted on all bulletins:

KILL! KILL! DIE THIEVING SCUM! THE PRECIOUS SHALL BE AVENGED!

-Your lord and master

*

To: My Daughter

From: Your slightly stressed mother

For some reason, Lord Kass seems to have gone temporarily insane. I had hoped the results from my experiment would cheer him up, but since it was an utter failure, I don’t think I’ll mention any of my attempts with the Jeran Usuki to him. After all, the last thing he needs to hear about now is a failure. I have no clue what bad news has sent him into his current state. Hopefully our impending attack will raise his spirits.

- Mother

*

To: Father

From: Galgarrath

After tearing apart most of the world’s Usuki market, I managed to get my hands upon another Jeran Usuki and had Zafara slip it into Kass’s bedchamber. Hopefully with his Usuki back, he will return to himself and let Vex release you from prison. Hope to see you at the rally tonight!

-G

*

To: Morguss

From: The Great and Invincible Kass

Returning my precious isn’t enough to earn Galgaroth a reprieve. I know he stole it; it couldn’t have been anyone else. Tonight when everyone is busy at the rally, have him thrown off the edge of the Citadel. If that prison warden objects, have him thrown in his own dungeon.

I’ve noticed a disturbing tendency among the civilian population to still refer themselves as “Darigani” and the Citadel as “The Darigan Citadel.” This must stop immediately. From now on, we shall refer to ourselves as “Kassites” and the Citadel as “The Kass Citadel.”

I will have obedience! My war engines are invincible! The war will start tonight!

-Kass, Lord of Darkness

The End

 
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