Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 186,904,163 Issue: 171 | 31st day of Celebrating, Y6
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100 Reasons Not To Be Evil


by child_of_night300

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Have you ever thought about giving up your "good guy" status and become evil? Well, let me tell you, being evil doesn't pay. It really doesn't. If you don't believe me, then talk to my good friend Dr. Sloth. "It doesn't pay much, but it does give you a thrill!" he says. Er, don't listen to the thrill part, but it doesn't pay. If you still don't believe me, then maybe you should check out 100 reasons not to be evil. If you still don't believe me then, well, go to someone else!

1. Um, duh, the good guy always wins!

2. You have to wear black all the time. It is slimming, but sometimes you want some color in your life, am I right?

3. You have to live with eternal guilt. Who wants that?

4. You have to hang out in the Gallery of Evil all the time, where no one really goes. Wouldn't you rather stay in a cool place of heroes?

5. You have to wear a cape. A fashion no-no!

6. You have to constantly think of plots to take over Neopia. Boooring!

7. When you walk around in the streets of Neopia, locals will throw items at you, particularly rotten fruits and vegetables.

8. You have to have an evil laugh, and then a regular laugh. Why would you need two different laughs?

9. No one likes you.

10. You would be kicked out of the King's Castle in Meridell and never be able to visit Kayla's Potion Shop again!

11. King Coltzan's ghost at Coltzan's Shrine in the Lost Desert wouldn't help you.

12. The Shop Wizard would say all the shops closed early and would not help you either.

13. Come to think of it, since no one likes you, no one will help you.

14. It's just easier to be good!

15. You seriously don't want to be like Dr. Sloth, do you? ((Hey!! -- Dr. Sloth))

16. I mean, Dr. Sloth is icky. ((Once again, hey!! -- Dr. Sloth))

17. You'd have to stare at your face in "wanted for being evil" ads all the time.

18. You might influence young children to become evil as well, and since children are our future, the future would become a whirling, bleak fortress of evil! I'm sure you don't want that to happen, do you?

19. Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit.

20. Fine, I exaggerated a lot. Now, back to the reasons why you shouldn't be evil...

21. Good people are your friends, not your enemies.

22. If you're caught, you'd probably have to live the rest of your life in a solitary confinement cell in jail.

23. It's probably really cold in there.

24. And dark.

25. And uncomfortable.

26. Not to mention damp. Why would you want to live in a cold, dark, uncomfortable, and damp solitary confinement cell?

27. What if you're next to Dr. Sloth? ((Don't you dare start up again. -- Dr. Sloth))

28. You'd probably be very lonely in a solitary confinement cell. Don't you want to be outside in the bright sunshine, getting fresh air, and frolicking without a worry in the world? Yes, I'm sure you would.

29. You know what? Not even good people frolic without a worry in the world. But that's really close anyway.

30. You pretty much lose all your friends. Who do you think is going to be your friend now? Dr. Sloth? ((I wouldn't be talking if I were you. -- Dr. Sloth))

31. Do you think that Count Von Roo or Balthazar is going to invite you into their homes and give you cookies? No, they will not.

32. If you still have a friend that didn't flee if you become evil, then you lose all their trust anyway.

33. You can't go anywhere in public, like the post office, without people screaming and then running away from you. ((Tell me about it. I can't even buy stamps without people pointing and yelling. -- Dr. Sloth))

34. Just think about all that hatred!

35. Being evil is very bad.

36. If you become evil, and then want to give up, people will still point and whisper to each other and/or scream "It's the not-evil villain! It's the not-evil villain!"

37. In other words, everyone will know who you are, and not in a good way.

38. So give up before you start. Like that made any sense. ((Are you being sarcastic? -- Dr. Sloth))

39. If you are evil, you have to think of a different evil name. If your name is Jane Jennings, then your name can be Dr. Jane or something, but what's the point of having two different names?

40. Being evil is disturbing.

41. Evil backwards is "live." As in "live alone in your evilness for the rest of your life."

42. Why would you want to be evil anyway? It's gross.

43. Evil is not a sport, although it may seem like one. You may win or lose, but if you lose, it won't be easily forgotten.

44. There aren't any clubs for evil villains.

45. You'll probably be overcharged if you want to buy a milkshake.

46. You'll also be overcharged if you want to buy a hotdog.

47. You'll be overcharged for pie as well.

48. Don't forget cookies.

49. Hmm... I'm seeing a pattern here.

50. Alright! You heard 49 reasons not to be evil. Still not convinced? Here come 49 more!

51. This is an easy one: it is scientifically proven for evil people to become angry quicker than good people. Why would you want that?

52. Okay, here's the scenario: You're at a football game. Front row seats. The game is tied. Only fifteen seconds left in the game. Your home team has the ball and is running down the field. You scream, "Kill them! Get them good!" Instantly, since you are evil, everyone turns around and stares at you in horror, the players on the field stop playing, aghast, and all run shrieking from the field in terror.

53. Here's another scenario: You're at the airport. You're tired from the long airplane ride you just took. You're starving as well. But when you finally reach the food court, it's deserted. As soon as you step up to a food shop, the owner quickly says, "We're closed" and slams the door in your face. Sighing, you turn from the food court to exit. Pretty soon, security comes and knocks you to the floor. "Get off me!" you yell. However, he cuffs you and bring you to jail to stay in a solitary confinement cell.

54. According to the above scenario, people who are evil have short tempers.

55. Hey, wait, what's going on? Dr. Sloth, why are you holding that gag and rope?

56. Dr. Sloth? Stop it, Dr. Sloth! Why are you walking closer? With a menacing smile on your face?

57. Don't come any closer! Just because I didn't go to the prom with you in high school, doesn't mean you have to become a menace!

58. NO! WAIT! STOP! NO, DON'T...

59. MWAHAHA! It is I, Dr. Sloth! I will be taking over from here. Now that SHE is out of the way, I will be able to convince you all to become evil and be my minions! Here we go!

60. Any minute now...

61. At any time, I will begin telling you reasons to become my minions. *scratches head*

62. *slight muttering from me tied to the chair with a gag in mouth behind Dr. Sloth*

63. Well, um, you wear the very slimming black cape a lot.

64. *more muttering from me*

65. BE QUIET, YOU FOOL! *takes water gun and squirts me with it*

66. *I grunt in anguish*

67. Yes, that's it! Feel the wrath of my water gun! Okay, back to why to become my minions...

68. Being evil is fun!

69. It's also thrilling! Take that! *turns to me, but realizes I am not there and had escaped*

70. Oh, crud. Where did she go? I WILL FIND YOU! *shakes fist in air*

71. *I'm standing in background, holding a gag and rope*

72. *Sloth turns* There you are! Now, you will feel my wrath!

73. No, wait! WHAT ARE YOU...?

74. *I finish tying up Dr. Sloth* Well, it's me again, gang. Sorry about that. Mr. GRUMPYPANTS here lost his temper again. He is a perfect example of why not to be evil.

75. Whoa. I just realized. We're already on reason number 75! I guess I should begin to break everything down for you, so that you know exactly why not to become evil.

76. *muttering from Dr. Sloth* Silence, Sloth! *I squirt Sloth*

77. *More angry muttering from Dr. Sloth* THAT'S RIGHT, SLOTH! I am using tomato juice instead of water!

78. Oh...you're allergic to tomatoes?

79. Oh no....you're breaking into hives now.

80. I must rush you to the emergency room!

81. Wait, what about this article?

Sorry, everyone! As it turns out, Dr. Sloth is allergic to tomatoes and I squirted him with tomato juice. I, being my non-evil obsessed self, must rush him to the hospital, where he will be treated for his hives. I guess the 100 reasons will have to end there, at number 81. I hope you're convinced, because I don't think I'll be back for the last 19. Bye! *wheels Sloth off in a wheelchair to hospital*

 
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