An Interview with the Great Doctor Sloth

An Interview with the Great Doctor Sloth

Of all the villains that dwell under or over Neopia, Doctor Sloth is without a doubt the most prestigious. His plans of domination have always been the most intricate and advanced. The only real reason he has not succeeded in world domination is that his opponents possessed a small spot of luck. It was one day when I was reflecting on Sloth’s greatness that it dawned on me that I should interview the Doctor. I grabbed some writing tools and shuffled across the Space Station to speak to Sloth.

After three secret passages and one hidden elevator, I came to his office at the lowest level of the station. With only the slightest hesitation I knocked on the door. After a few minutes it hissed and slid open. I entered cautiously- after all, one does not approach the boss unless one has a very good reason to.

Doctor Sloth was sitting behind a rather intimating metal desk and spinning a globe of Neopia aimlessly with one hand.

“Yes?” he asked with annoyance as I entered. “What is it?”

“Good evening, sir,” I said, saluting virtustyle. “I was wondering if... if I could possibly interview you for the Neopian Times?” I held up my clipboard convincingly.

“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been interviewed?!” the Doctor said with vicious exasperation. “I’m tired of answering questions about when I’m attacking Neopia next!” He slammed a fist onto his desk. “I’m sick of explaining why I style my hair this way! And I am never going to reveal my secret recipe for Sloth Surprise! You ridiculous interviewers always portray me as corrupt, idiotic, or completely insane!” he fumed. “Now go away and leave me in peace!”

“Err... yes, sir,” I stammered as I saluted again and backed away. “Sorry to bother you.” I turned to the door in defeat.

“Just a moment.” Sloth caught sight of my Virtupets uniform. “You work for me?”

“Eh... yes, sir. I’m a transport pilot,” I said weakly. “I apologize for disturbing you. I just thought that... you know... maybe if a true minion interviewed you for a Times article it’d be... a bit less biased.”

Sloth surveyed me a moment. “Yes, perhaps it is time that Neopia learned the truth about me. I am not a villain; I am a revolutionary!” he exclaimed sinisterly. “You may proceed with your interview. But be warned, if I should discover that you have used this as an opportunity to describe me as anything but great, the consequences will be most unpleasant.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.” I dug out a virtupen nervously. “I will ensure that you are seen as the hero you are.”

“You’d better.”

“Umm... alright then, first question: what makes you believe that you would be the ideal ruler for Neopia?”

“I know, not believe, that I am the ideal ruler. Those pathetic Neopets are living without rule, without authority, and without any kind of hierarchy! I am a genius and a mastermind; therefore I have every right to claim absolute dictatorship over this planet! And I will very soon!”

“Ah, okay,” I said scribbling notes down. “Do you think that Neopets would be happy to have you as leader?”

“I really couldn’t care less about what they thought! But I have no doubt that they will revere me as their all-powerful master when the time comes. If not, I shall find a way to make them minions.” Sloth chuckled to himself ominously. “Perhaps a bit of mind control...”

“Sounds excellent, sir. Next question... in the past, the Space Faerie and various antis have foiled all of your attempts at world domination; do you think that they will stop your future plans?”

“No, I don’t,” Sloth said with a bit of resentment. “They will be given a choice- obedience or destruction. I shall then destroy them regardless of their decision. I have endured too much from those miserable antis!” Sloth clenched his green hands into fists. “I will not allow anything to jeopardise my victory!”

“Um, okay.” I looked up from my clipboard. “Well, many Neopians follow you because they believe that they’ll be rewarded for their loyalty when you take over. Are you planning on eventually giving your minions some form of reward?”

Sloth laughed at this. “It’s a privilege for them to serve me willingly. That is enough for anyone.”

“Oh,” I said, veiling my disappointment. “Next question... if you could change anything about Neopia, what would it be?”

“Obviously it would be myself as ultimate dictator. I do have big plans for Neopia that will change everything, however...”

“Could you tell me what these plans are?”

“That’s confidential.” Sloth narrowed his eyes. “I find your questions rather suspicious for a Virtupets pilot.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said nervously. “I was just curious. I am truly a pilot.”

Sloth frowned. “You would not believe how many anti spies have been lurking about the space station lately. Just last week I saw a miserable fire Grundo skulking about the basement.”

“Sir, I’m not a spy,” I said worriedly. “And I am certainly not an anti.”

“How did you get down to my secret office anyways?”

“Eh, I found it one day when I was cleaning the garbage chutes. We can skip that last question if you want...”

“No.” Sloth knocked the Neopian globe off of his desk and smiled grimly when it dented. “This interview is over. I have important things to do this evening. You may go report to the Neopian Times, but remember what I said, I am not a villain. Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir. Thank-you, sir,” I saluted once more and hurried out of his office.

When I returned to my transport shuttle, sank into my pilot chair, and reviewed my notes, I found myself faced with a rather difficult task. Sloth was a villain and didn’t want to be portrayed as one. After thinking it over a bit, I dragged my typewriter onto the dashboard and began to type...

An Interview with the Great Doctor Sloth

Of all the villains that dwell under or over Neopia, Doctor Sloth is without a doubt the most prestigious. His plans of domination have always been the most intricate and advanced. The only real reason he has not succeeded in world domination is that his opponents possessed a small spot of luck. It was one day when I was reflecting on Sloth’s greatness that it dawned on me that I should interview the Doctor. I grabbed some writing tools and shuffled across the Space Station to speak to Sloth.

Sloth greeted me warmly in his office. “I’d be more than happy to share my thoughts with the wonderful citizens of Neopia,” he said pleasantly. “I feel that I have lost touch with a lot of them and I would dearly love to have them know the real me.”

“Well, sir, my first question is what makes you believe that you would be the ideal ruler for Neopia?” I asked.

“I feel that Neopia needs some leadership to make the world a better place. I think that with everyone working together, we can achieve a lot. I want guide neopets to make the right decisions and to create harmony throughout our beautiful planet.”

“That’s so good-hearted of you, sir,” I said as I wrote his inspiring words down. “Do you believe that Neopians would like you as their ruler, though?”

“I care very much for what they want,” Sloth said with concern. “I intend to find a way to make everyone happy on Neopia and I cannot achieve that if there are some that do not want me to lead them.”

“I cannot imagine who wouldn’t want you as leader, to be honest.” I turned to a new page on my clipboard. “You truly are an inspirational hero. In the past, there have been groups of individuals, like the antis, that have prevented you from success. Do you think that these people will stop you from helping us?”

“I don’t know why they oppose me.” Sloth shook his head sadly. “But I am going to speak with them and find a way to look after their needs. I am sure that we can come to some kind of arrangement.”

“Next question; are you going to reward your followers in the end?”

“Yes, of course, I would never forget them. I shall do all that is within my power to honour them for their loyalty and support.” Sloth smiled warmly. “I also want to give others the chance to become a minion of myself.”

“That’s very kind of you, sir,” I said happily. Indubitably I would be rewarded very greatly for my unending dedication to Sloth. “What would you like to change about Neopia at the present?”

“As I said, I want it to be a better place for all of Neopia’s citizens. I wish to devise a way to prevent creatures like the Pant Devil and the Tax Beast from doing harm. As well, I hope to get more involvement in the Money Tree Donation Fund and to find assistance for the Healing and Soup Faeries.”

“Sir, your nobility is outstanding,” I exclaimed. “I am sure that Neopians will see you as a true and heroic leader!”

“Thank you,” the Doctor said humbly. “I appreciate your effort to help spread my desire of peace and prosperity to the Neopian public.”

“Anytime, sir.” I closed my clipboard. “Those are all the questions I have for you. I shall see to it that Neopets knows the truth about you.” I bowed and left Sloth’s office, feeling pleased that I had had a pleasant chat with Sloth and obtained his feelings of goodwill to share with all of Neopia.