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The Dirt on the Earth Faeries


by pyrosquirrelx

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Earth Faeries.

The very words send a shiver up your spine—and if they don’t yet, they should. These green-gowned, leaf-winged faeries, despite their cutesy circlets of blossoms and ‘just a little too innocent’ looks, are in fact some of the greatest menaces in Neopia.

When Fyora announced that she was going to ditch one of the Quest Faeries’ quests, I immediately thought of the Earth Faeries and rejoiced. I knew the Earth Faerie quests had to be the first to go, and I don’t see why anyone would disagree with me, especially to the point of escalating this whole thing into a full-scale war. Yet, for the sake of getting rid of those pesky Earth Faeries, I’ll dust off my sword, helmet, and large improvised plant up-rooter, and gladly join the fight and support any side but that of the Earth Faeries.

Of course, you don’t have to listen to me—I’m just a Times author. What do you have to listen to? The cold, hard facts. And now, using said cold, hard facts, I will prove to you, in this obviously non-propagandist, unbiased piece, why Earth Faeries should not be supported in this battle.

First of all... Earth Faerie quests. Quests are where this war began, and it shall only end when one quest is dropped. I say, Earth Faerie quests! Earth Faerie quests are possibly the most foolish out of any quests. The Earth Faerie in question—you know, that quest faerie with the brown hair that always giggles annoyingly at you? Jodi? (Well, I’ll go on about her in a little bit). As I was saying, the Earth Faerie in question asks you for a magic item. And what does she give you in return? She makes your pet bloated. As one of the least polite Neopians I know, I can honestly say—how rude! Sending a poor pet out to search the stores, trying desperately to find an expensive magic item, and then making them bloated and overstuffed. How selfish can you get? My advice is, if your pet is that hungry, take them to the Omelette—for free! Even the faerie at the Healing Springs can make your pet full and satisfied—and you don’t have to waste your time doing someone’s shopping errands. (Who knows what the Earth Faeries have in that food, anyway?)

Just a little earlier on, I mentioned Jodi. If you haven’t heard of her, shame on you. If you haven’t met her, you’re very lucky. Like all other Earth Faeries, she lives in the forests of Neopia, and she likes to collect and store items. She sounds pretty greedy to me, and I wonder just where those potions you get her go, anyhow. But all Earth Faeries are like this. Jodi, the Earth Faerie who gives you quests, the leader of the Earth Faeries in this war... is a gullible scatterbrain.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect anything more out of an Earth Faerie. Jodi shows just how foolish these faeries are. But then, I look over my notes on Earth Faeries, and I wonder... is there more? Could these faeries, other than foolish, be perhaps malevolent tricksters, trying to pull the wool over the eyes of all of Neopia? (Well, okay, Jodi really is a ditz, but I’m not so sure about her friends.)

Let’s turn our attention to some Earth Faerie items. Keep reading, if you please.

First we have the Earth Faerie Leaves—flying leaves that are evidently very sharp. When you use them, they return back to your hand after you throw them—and they’ll cut you if you’re not wearing gloves! What kind of terrible and/or silly person (... or faerie...) would make weapons that will hurt the owner? Unless it’s all a plot of the Earth Faeries to make Neopians buy gloves so they don’t hurt their hands, and then the Earth Faeries can install sinister potions in the glove fabric to subtly exert mind-control over the wearers... but only a conspiracy theorist would think that, and I am quite obviously not a conspiracy theorist.

Next, let’s move on to another piece of Earth Faerie merchandise. The wings. These Earth Faerie wings are gigantic... leaves. Shaped like wings. When I first saw them, I started laughing so hard I nearly blew them onto the head of the disgruntled shopkeeper. Evidently, they are supposed to make you look dashing, like an Earth Faerie. Unfortunately, you cannot put ‘dashing’ and ‘Earth Faerie’ in the same sentence at the best of times, and certainly not when you are being encouraged to wear a gigantic leaf on your back.

...I mean, seriously, what if someone thought they could actually fly, and jumped off a cliff of something? I’m sure that those intelligent, kind Earth Faeries have never tried to come up with a way to dispose of their enemies. ‘Course not.

Let us continue to the topic of Earth Faerie food. Mmm, an ice cream sundae. Mmm, a VANILLA ice cream sundae. Mmm, a vanilla ice cream sundae with green gunk on top—wait a second. Stop and rewind, people. Green gunk? Yep, got it in one, folks—all the Earth Faerie foods are covered in disgusting green stuff. They say it’s mint sauce. Yeah, uh huh, sure—that’s what Meuka said too, and he was a better liar than the Faeries. And what’s up with that Earth Faerie Apple?

...think poisoned apples. And this is a poisoned apple that flies. HOW DEVIOUS.

A final piece of the Earth Faeries’ foolishness and/or malicious intent is two pieces of the furniture they have. The Earth Faerie oven is the first. It has gigantic leaves on the back. That breaks, um, let’s see... how many laws of fire safety? Oh, yes, let me just go cook in this oven with gigantic flammable fire hazards sticking out of the back. Oh no, was that my house going up in flames? The Earth Faeries definitely are up to something and it’s not good.

Finally, the Earth Faerie Sink is called to mind. Supposedly, it’s made from ‘a special kind of mud that won’t ever wash away, or get bent out of shape’. As are many things in this life (an evening without homework, a safe-for-Chias Lupe festival, or a well-paying job, to name a few), it sounds too good to be true, and therefore, it probably is. What is behind the Earth Faeries’ distribution of these unstable sinks? Nobody knows.

I bet it’s some sinister plot, those Earth fools...

Hush, you! Get out of my Times Article!

But I’m paying you.

Shh! And anyway... if you don’t leave I won’t write it. Take that.

Ahem. ANYWAY. After that rude interruption, I will bring us to our conclusion.

Earth Faeries cannot be trusted in this war. As I have demonstrated to you, they have a major conspiracy thing going on against the citizens of Neopia, and their leader is gullible and not quite all there. If you delve deeper into the Earth Faerie merchandise fluttering about Neopia, you will discover even more of a plot. Would you want to follow someone like that, or help the Faeries that have a history of trying to harm Neopians? I’m begging you—DON’T.

Send your aid for the war to Storm the Air Faerie, at...

Hey! Get out of my article!

...the completely trustworthy article that I obviously wasn’t paid to write by Storm the Air Faerie. Well, what are you all staring at me for? Go join the Faerie Wars NOW!

 
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