There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 136,691,549 Issue: 283 | 16th day of Running, Y9
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Illusen Writes the Editorial?


by ladyariel32

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This Week: We welcome a special guest author, Illusen the renowned Earth Faerie, who has genially agreed to write an editorial for the Neopian Times in honor of Illusen Day.

Sorry, folks, but Illusen couldn’t make it. It being Illusen Day and all, she’s busy handling all the pets who came to do her quests. Whew. It’s amazing really how the number of quest doers quadruples on Illusen Day. As if there’s something really special going on.

Anyway, since Illusen’s pretty occupied, she asked me to write the editorial instead. And before you strangle me screaming, “We want Illusen! Now!” please, have mercy. I’m just a cute little Doglefox. She forced me to do this, for Fyora’s sake. So, right, where was I? Oh, yeah. I’m Leafy the Doglefox, Illusen’s right hand petpet, here to answer your burning questions. I’ll just dig around in her junk mail and see what I can find.

Hey, Illusen! So, like, my younger sis asked me to ask you why you asked her to bring you a pile of sludge? ‘Cause that’s just weird. ~ Just curious

First off, Illusen currently has 561,248 piles of sludge and counting. I’ve got it all written up neatly in a ledger. Sorry I can’t give you the most current figure. Illusen’s probably asking thousands of pets to bring her some sludge right now. I’ll update you tomorrow.

As for why she asks pets for sludge, I don’t really know. She’s just weird like that. A bit of trivia: did you know that Illusen keeps all her piles of sludge in a magically expanding wooden chest hidden under the brown rug in her living room? If you don’t believe me, go to the Glade and check. If that doesn’t prove she’s weird, I don’t know what will.

Whee! Illusen loves me!

Help! I got a Mud Mixture from the quest I did for you yesterday. It said on the label that it was good for the skin so I rubbed the mud all over my face and body. Now I’ve got weird black bumps everywhere and my skin seems to have turned greenish-brown (I’m a red Shoyru!). This wasn’t supposed to happen! How do I fix it? And, hurry! ~ I don’t want to turn into the Esophagor

Um, yeah, so moral of the story: Don’t believe what item descriptions say. Advertisers make those labels and we all know how dirty the world of marketing is. To Illusen’s credit, she had nothing to do with those labels. She’s a pretty earthy Faerie (no duh!). She doesn’t really talk to her marketing team.

And if you say, “Why would she need a marketing team? She gives, not sells, those items”, I’ll just shrug and tell you to go figure.

Oh, right, and sorry, I don’t know how to fix it. Try the Gelert doctor or a dermatologist. Fast. Because I think you’re turning into the Esophagor…or a Mutant Moehog. It’s either one or the other.

Did you really write ‘Illusen’s Novel’? Because if you did, you’re officially my favourite author now! That was the most well written book I had ever read! ~ Rabid fangirl

Although the novel is about Illusen’s life, sadly, the great Faerie didn’t write it. She’s just too busy doing other stuff to write a novel. Why write a book when you can be hoarding expensive items, right? Besides, giving away prizes, I mean (how could I forget?). You don’t want to know how many pets this I’ve given cream cookies to (Illusen likes giving me the dirty work).

Illusen’s Novel was written by the Library Faerie, methinks. The girl’s kind of obsessed with Illusen. She has a life-size Illusen statue made up of Illusen building blocks which, of course, she constructed herself. She’s even finished Illusen’s quests (way up to Level 50) fifty-four times. I haven’t even tried doing Level 1! She has a weird giggle-snort kind of laugh but she’s okay. Try visiting her in Faerieland. I’m sure she’ll be glad for the company. You could ask her for an autograph.

Why do you hate Jhudora? She’s my favourite Faerie and I don’t think there’s any reason for you to dislike her. She’s the best! ~ Jhudora fan

What a stupid question. Next.

I hear you’re one of Neopia’s most health conscious Faeries. Um, I’ve got a slight weight problem and I really would like to know if you have any suggestions for losing weight and stuff. And I’m really addicted to junk food, too. What do I do? ~ Not an Elephante

If Illusen were here, she would probably tell you to stick to eating organic food and to not to be too hard on yourself. I’m Leafy, though, and I’d like to be realistic so I’ll be giving you different (and definitely much better) advice.

Neopia may not know this but a recent study conducted by famous food researcher Shammel Lee Feet reveals that Gross food (which a lot of pets consider as junk) is actually healthy. Here’s a little something from an article:

“Organic food is officially prehistoric. If you want to maintain a healthy balanced diet, go with Gross food. Start with something simple like Fresh Seaweed Pie. Each pie has enough seaweed to feed an army of Sloth clones and you know how good seaweed is for your health. Just ask the Water Faeries. Of course, the greenish mud-coloured pastry that tops the seaweed makes you wonder if a herd of Elephantes stomped on it. Or if somebody ate it up then spit it back out.” She blinks. “But, that’s just a minor thing.”

Also as part of her research, Shammel ate nothing but Gross food for a whole month. Now, that’s dedication! Shammel shares what she’s discovered about onions. “On my tenth day of eating Gross food, I ate too much Ice Fish Cake and started having hallucinations. I wanted to eat something, anything, that wasn’t gross so I grabbed whatever food item was in front of me and hoped to Fyora that it wasn’t gross. It was Onion Sorbet, still gross, but way better than Fish Cake. As soon as I finished the whole thing, my hallucinations stopped. I started drinking Onion Cola after that incident, too. Just in case.”

After thirty days, Shammel emerged a much trimmer and more knowledgeable Aisha. Here’s her advice for pets who want to keep fit. “Instead of oversaturating yourself with organic bananas, organic broccoli and the like, start eating Gross food today. If you don’t lose weight after at least ten days of a Gross food diet, well, something must be wrong with you.”

Yep, I think that answers both your questions, Not an Elephante. Good luck.

Who’s got onion breath now? *snicker*

I was wondering, are you a chocolate lover? I can’t remember when exactly but there was this one time when you asked me for a Milk Chocolate Lupe. On the same day, you asked my friends for a White Chocolate Chia, Chocolate Chomby Cookie and a Chocolate Swiss Roll respectively. What’s with all the chocolate and why on the same day? Was it just a mere coincidence? ~ Does Not Believe in Coincidences

You may not remember the date, but I do (thanks to my handy ledger and superb note taking skills). Truth is, you and your friends did your quests on Valentine’s Day. Well, Illusen was getting pretty forlorn that day because she hadn’t received any sappy notes from secret admirers. No flowers, no chocolate, the works. So she did the next best thing: she ordered pets to bring her chocolate (and a couple of Lovepetals to put in vases)! Don’t worry; you and your friends weren’t the only ones. At least half of the pets who came for quests last V-Day were requested to bring her chocolate. Ask around and you’ll see.

Illusen sure wished she got one of these!

What do you do you in your free time? Care to have tea with my Desert Wocky Plushie and me? We’d love to have you! ;) ~ Alana the Wocky

Well, Illusen doesn’t have a lot of free time at all. I mean, the Glade is filled with pets clamoring for quests almost 24/7. Really, it’s like you pets don’t know the meaning of the word ‘sleep’! Illusen and I are up at odd hours, trying to keep up with all of you quest-hungry Neopians. I wonder why you’re all so eager to have Illusen boss you around (figuratively). Are the prizes really worth it? Wait. Don’t answer that.

Anyway, when Illusen does get the odd hour or two off, she does boring righteous stuff like donating to the Meridell Garbage Dump (the Money Tree’s a bit too far) and talking to pets lost in the forest. Sometimes, she picks up abandoned petpets like me and, you know, takes care of them. Not that we’ve developed a bond or something weird like that.

Moving on. Illusen has about a hundred thousand requests for tea right now but I’ll put you on the list. By the way, Illusen loves herbal tea.

How dare you ask me for a Kadoatie on my Level 35 Quest? Do you know how much Kads cost? How the heck was I going to come up with one in 16 minutes? This is just too much. You’re making me cry. See. I’m crying right now. How can you be so cruel? ~ *sobs*

Are you the blue Scorchio from the other side of the forest, by any chance? I think I recognize you by your sob. It’s very distinctive. I mean, even if I can’t see you right now.

Anyway, if you are that Scorchio, I apologize for making you cry. See, that Kadoatie request? I was responsible for that, ehehe. I was getting a little lonely so I orde-, er, asked Illusen nicely if she could find me a petpet to play with. Specifically, I yearned for a Kadoatie, haha.

If it makes you feel better, I almost shed a tear when you failed your quest. I really wanted that Kadoatie.

Waaah! Give me to Leafy! Now!

Speaking of which, I have the urge to ask Illusen for a Kadoatie right now. Maybe someone will finally be able to give me one. A Kadoatie on Illusen Day…won’t that be sweet?

This editorial’s getting kind of long, anyway. I hope your questions have been answered. Until next Illusen Day!

Leafy out.

Author’s Note: This was written all in the name of fun so don’t get your hackles up! ;) Comments/suggestions/questions are always welcome so don’t hesitate to Neomail me.

 
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