Meow Circulation: 149,520,230 Issue: 285 | 30th day of Running, Y9
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Interview With a (Reformed) Chiavore


by carrotopian

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Note: any Neopet or Petpet names have been removed to discourage acts of recrimination by rebel Chiavore cells.

Q: Why have you mounted this courageous campaign?

A: As a Lupe, I am a member of a species much maligned by Chia owners throughout Neopia. However, I am concerned about the plight of the Chia species - especially since an increasing number of exotic varieties have become available. Unlike me, most Lupes find all Chias to be tasty morsels - even the regular Chias. Therefore, being able to change them to an even more appetizing variety, like Chocolate or Custard, is quite the added concern. Therefore, just in case they all become extinct, I am going public. Yes, that is right! I love Chias and I do not want to eat them; I find the prospect of chowing down on Chias positively distasteful! I cannot think why any Neopet would want to eat another Neopet or Petpet! Yet temptation lurks around every corner! Did you know that the hunting of Chias is positively encouraged? Well, it is; just look at this description of an otherwise innocent-looking Chia Plushie! "...ideal for... owners who wish to train their pet to hunt Chias." I find that positively shocking!

Q: Can you explain this obsession with edible Neopets and Petpets?

A: It defies understanding. I mean, is it not dangerous to paint a voracious and not terribly bright Neopet (like a Skeith) Chocolate? Really - it might hurt itself. Then, there are Petpets. Some Neopians actually put their Petpets into Jhuidah's Cooking Pot on Mystery Island! I rescued my Petpet from that terrible contraption - he is a hybrid Petpet (Spallard), a direct (and slightly disturbing) result of this cruel practice! I suppose we should just be thankful that he was not actually eaten; although, as I am sure you are aware, there is an alarming black market in food made from Petpets. Just browse through the Spooky Food Shop or look at this book entitled 'Cooking With Petpets' - the very idea! I keep a steady eye on my Petpet at all times, just in case someone decides to put him in a sandwich!

Q: And finally, what message do you have for owners of Chia-eating Lupes who want to quit?

A: If your Chia-eating Lupe really wants to quit, send them along to the next Chiaholics Anonymous meeting. Be prepared, though - they will be searched for banned items before the meeting starts, as even innocent-looking snacks like Strawberry Jelly Chias and Gingerbread Lupe Treats are frowned upon - especially if you and your Lupe are determined he or she is going to go Cold Chia!

[Interview concluded]

There follows an advertisement for CA (Chiaholics Anonymous):

Is your Chia habit out of control? Do you wake up in a cold sweat, craving your next Chocolate Chia fix? Have you raided the Money Tree to feed your needs? Are you hiding Chias in the laundry closet? We can help. Pledge to join Chiaholics Anonymous today! We guarantee that if you follow our simple plan, then within days you will start to feel like a whole, new Lupe, but of course - only if you really want to change! It starts with YOU!

Joining Chiaholics Anonymous is your first step towards a Chia-free diet! At Chiaholics Anonymous, our mission is to re-educate Lupes to become healthy, happy, well-adjusted non-Chiavores (Neopets who leave all Chia and Chia-derived foods out of their diets).

Chiatine (the enzyme that makes Chias so tasty in the first place) is addictive, but you CAN re-educate your body to resist it. You owe it to yourself and the whole of Neopia. Chia-gorging wrecks lives. It destroys Neofamilies. However, do not just take our word for it. Every week, our Chia Bereavement Help Line (ChuBeH) receives thousands of neomails from anguished Chia owners (or should we say ex-Chia owners), like this one:

"I spent months saving up for my Secret Laboratory Map, restocking my shop and playing games. I skipped meals, my work began to suffer, and I was close to tears as I watched all my friends zapping their pets. Nevertheless, the day finally came and I bought the complete map - I was thrilled! My Chia turned Custard on her third zap; we were all so happy until a passing Mutant Lupe ate her. I'll never get over it." -- Anonymous, Mystery Island.

Isn't that awful? An entire Neofamily devastated, simply because one Lupe could not control his addiction to Chias. Do not let that be you - stop today. Forget Chia-shaped snacks (they are just a placebo) and Chiatine patches. What you need is good, old-fashioned willpower, support from your owner, friends, and proactive help from us: Chiaholics Anonymous.

Chia Addiction: Five Steps for Self-help

Step 1. Admitting you have a problem

We will not judge you. Be honest with yourself. Wouldn't you feel better knowing you can control your urge to gobble up every Chia in sight? It is OK; we understand your addiction and admitting it to yourself and others is the first step to recovery!

Step 2. Self-control

This is much easer said than done, but do you REALLY need that next juicy Chia snack? Or the next or the one after that? Chia eating is a habit, not a necessity.

Step 3. Take precautions

If you are going to an area where you think there might be Chias:

- Fill up on Popcorn first

- Wear a rubber band around your muzzle

- Think happy thoughts

Step 4. Make friends with a Chia

If your owner does not already have a Chia, encourage them to adopt one from the Neopian Pound or create a new one. If you already have a Chia in your family, explore why you have not already eaten it. All Chias are somebody's family; remember that the next time you crave a Chia kebab!

Step 5. Remember our motto!

A happy Chia is an undigested Chia!

[Chiaholics Anonymous (CA) is a non-profit organization.]

 
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