Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 183,344,781 Issue: 279 | 16th day of Awakening, Y9
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Gee, Thanks


by jeanlucgertie

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It’s the Month of Awakening. More importantly, it’s the month of Valentine’s Day. Neopians all over the world are in the spirit of the season, sending gifts to friends and having fun. It’s always the same. Meanwhile, you have people like me: bored and lonely, without anybody to share the holiday with. It happens every year. It’s worse than the Day of Giving! At least then people have some common sense. If they’re not going to come, they send a gift that’s at least somewhat practical. But on Valentine’s Day? Eugh!

Life would be so much better if Neopians actually paid attention! Does anyone there actually WANT a bottle of love? Honestly, it’s a bit creepy. And cheap! Paper hearts, wow, that’s pure love! No, no, no. Flimsy cards, deflating balloons, scratchy shirts? I’m surprised the gift shop manages to stay stocked! Who knows how long that chocolate’s been sitting there? Not good enough for the chocolate factory? I’ll admit that every once in a while something good comes in, like the amazingly awesome Cool Wooden Tiki Head, but... seriously. Who wants a Tiki head?

Early in the morning, I bundled up along with my Neopets and sat outside Gifts Galore protesting, to prove my point. Hundreds of Neopets walked into the store, and yet every single one ignored my shouting. It had been hours. Empty-handed Neopians walked in with whatever money they could dig up, and they came out carrying stacks of presents, looking almost proud. Like they’d done the world good. Their presents were hastily wrapped and yet they looked so happy. It disgusted me!

“Excuse me!” I yelled, latching onto a white Aisha. She pried herself from my grip and glared at me with her tiny eyes.

“What do you want?” she rudely inquired. While she was busy staring at me, the crazy who had interrupted her shopping, I grabbed a box out of her hands and furiously ripped it open. Hidden beneath the wrapping paper was an old, plastic bubble blower. I closely examined it and attempted to stare down the Aisha.

“Now, do you honestly think anybody would want this?” I asked her. Her response was nonverbal; instead of replying with a simple yes or no, she punched me with all her might. Fearing for my life, I ran away. But my act of cowardliness is necessary to prove my point.

Gifts cause violence.

It’s as simple as that. You get a gift, you get angry. Angry at the world for giving you this THING in return for everything you’ve done. Angry at the gift-giver for being so uncaring. Angry at yourself for not specifying what you wanted! Valentine’s Day is a travesty! It ought to be cancelled, or at the very least reinvented. And I think I know exactly how to do that.

Maybe.

Seriously. If you’re going to give a gift, make it good. That’s my point. Good gifts bring love and happiness. Bad gifts bring anger and violence. No gifts bring depression and more violence. Nobody likes violence. Some people do. I do, to an extent. But not when it’s directed at me! And I’m sure you don’t like that very much, either.

It’s time to rectify this horrible situation!

So, it’s Valentine’s Day. Or maybe it’s your friend’s birthday, or any other day of the year on which you feel the need to give gifts to a friend. Do you dig up your old Coconut Bank collection and try to use every last Neopoint you can find? Or do you just grab whatever you have in your pocket and buy the cheapest thing you can find?

The amount of people doing the latter is disgusting!

Now, some Neopians think it’s the thought that counts. Now tell me, honestly, would you be happier if your One True Love gave you a pile of dung or a Faerie Paint Brush? Not very hard to decide, is it? Would you rather have an icky Bottle of Love or an adorable purring Angelpuss? That decision should be just as clear. It is to me - so why can’t anybody else tell? I’ll tell you, it’s very disappointing to wake up from a happy dream and walk out, only to find a Bottle of Love on your doorstep with a scribbled card.

I hate Bottles of Love.

They’re so impersonal! They’re meaningless! Love is more than hearts! Hearts are bad! Hearts are nothing! Hearts should be banned. Clubs, spades, even diamonds! Now that’s true love! I’d buy a Bottle of Clubs in a heartbeat. Love is a feeling, love is a thought, love is not paper hearts!

Whenever I get a Bottle of Love, I feel like opening the cursed thing and dumping the Looooove on the gift-giver. Take that! Can you feel the love? Can you?!

Instead of dumping Bottles of Love on your friends, give them something they’ll appreciate. Give them sand! Bottles of sand are deliciously personal. They show care and thought, especially if you bottled them yourself. They represent memories, feelings, warm summer days. I, for one, love sand. I have a sand collection. Every bottle is unique. If you don’t appreciate sand, then I don’t appreciate you!

What’s better? A swirling rainbow of sand or pieces of paper? (I’ll let you figure this one out on your own).

Do your homework!

Nobody wants cards. Nobody likes cards! When you send someone a card, you get a smile. A smile that hides rage! When they thank you, anger is burning inside of them! They want to hurt you! It’s a fact!

Instead of giving someone a card, give them a cookie. Give them the cheapest cookie you can find. Cookies are edible. Just make sure it’s either delicious or beautiful. If it tastes bad but looks great, nobody’s going to eat it. Maybe they’ll save it. Keep a cookie collection, you know? And if it tastes good, they’ll still eat it even if it looks like something the Wocky dragged in. (Sorry to you Wockies out there, heh. I didn’t mean anything by it. Really. Would you like a cookie?) Ahem. They’ll eat it to get rid of it, and taste the most delicious taste they ever tasted by doing so!

Boxes are bad. Paper is bad. Now, food is good. Cute little Petpets are good. An apple! An apple is infinitely better than a junky gift! I’ll take a cracker over a Bottle of Love, and so should you!

If someone ever gives you a Bottle of Love, smack them. Hard. They’re horrible people and they deserve it! Unless it’s a joke. Jokes are always funny. If it’s a joke, just laugh or something and dispose of the bottle quickly!

Where was I? Oh yes. Gifts. Give good gifts, people. Nobody wants a bad gift. Nobody wants to not get a gift, either.

The point has come and gone, but the essential fact remains. I’ll simplify it for you.

Bad gift + someone = VIOLENCE.

Good gift + someone = LOVE.

Get in the spirit of giving, everybody, and have a good weekend.

And honestly, if it was up to me?

Save yourself the trouble and just give them some money.

 
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