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Interview With The Uppingtons

by jambammer


Hello all! I am JB, and I’m here to interview two of Neopia’s elder, regal citizens, Mr. and Mrs. Uppington, Archibald and Amelia.

That’s Sir Archibald Uppington the thirty-seventh, to you.

Now Archibald really, calm down. Remember your blood pressure.

Er, Yes. What he said. Now, the two of them are a fine couple, both are a lovely shade of blue. You two are Ogrins, correct?

Of course, child, what else might we be?

Uh, right. Moving on, why do you wear a monocle, Mr. Uppington? I read somewhere that you have perfect eyesight.

To look important! Why else? And aren’t you even going to comment on our fashion?

Or the lack there of?

My dear! I believe this adolescent is mocking us!

Well, I never! We paid top neopoints for this clothing. It’s top of the line!

All right, all right, I apologize. They’re... um... very nice. Yeah.

Just very nice? I do not approve of your tone, young lady. After we agreed to do this interview you requested... we do have other, more valuable things to do with our time, you realize!

For the record, I didn’t request this interview. I was sent. Against my will. Normally I like my job as a reporter, and I’d like to keep it so let’s get this over with, shall we? Good, glad you agree. As you know, Valentines Day is quickly approaching. What do the both of you do to celebrate?

Er, well...

What is Valeenteenes Day?

That’s Valentines, Mrs. Uppington, and it’s a day where Neopians everywhere celebrate friendship. Surely, you have heard of it?

My dear, I think we’ve wasted...

Hush, Archibald! I’ve never heard of it before. Now, go on, please.

Wow, I’m surprised you’ve never heard of it. Well, usually, Neopians everywhere give someone a special card, box of chocolates, a story they wrote, a poem, etcetera. The person they give it to means a lot to them. It’s a way of saying, ‘You mean a lot to me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my friend.’

As well as it being meaningful, it’s also a lot of fun! It’s not fun because of all the stuff you may get. No! Okay, that does make it somewhat more enjoyable, but it’s also fun to give to your friends and see the smiles on their faces. Their eyes glitter as brightly as the shiny things you give them. Or they give you. Whoever gets the shiny thing, their eyes shine like it.

Oh what a marvellous occasion! Balentines has such a pretty ring to it too.

That’s ‘Valentines.’

Nonsense! It’s a ridiculous holiday! It does not even deserve to be on the calendar!

Archibald, you knew of this clalentines?

Well, I... You see...

Mrs. Uppington, it’s Valentines. Val-en-tines! It’s really not that hard to say!

How come you’ve never given me anything, Archibald?

It’s a day full of nonsense! Complete rubbish, that’s what.

You’ve been happily married for thirty years. Don’t have your first fight while I’m getting paid to be with you!

How can you call a day to celebrate those who mean the most to you ‘rubbish?’

Perhaps he never got a Valentine when he was younger? That can scar a person you know.

My dear, you could be right. Archibald?

All right, it’s true; I never once received a Valentine card, poem or even a chocolate! Everybody else got beautiful gifts and I was always left out. Even my parents forgot about it! Who cared about Archibald Uppington the seventeenth?

I thought it was the thirty... Nah, skip it. And I’m sure that others did care. They just... weren’t sure of how to show you that they did?

Quite right! Oh, my poor dear Archibald. Now, now, do not cry. Here, take my handkerchief and dry your eyes.

Yeah, please don’t cry anymore, Mr. Uppington. The ink is running off of my paper.

Oh, you have no idea the torment I had to endure every year!

Well we can put all that behind us now. This Valentines Day will be different for you.

Thank you, my dear. It will be different for you too.

Aw, that’s so sweet. So now that you two will be celebrating it, how will you be celebrating it?

Well, how do most Neopians? Besides giving gifts to one another, that is.

Uh, they listen to music, watch the sunrise, fight the Pant Devil, eat cookies and chocolate, play games, go on vacation, give to the needy such as underpaid reporters... Basically, anything they can think of, but they do it together!

That’s also part of the fun on Valentines Day, spending time with the one you’re closest with. Being together makes the day all that much more magical. Really, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing. As long as your hearts are in it and you want to be with your Valentine, even chores can be fun.

Is that so?

Yes, it is.

Are you sure?


100% positive?

Yes. I am.

Not the slightest bit of doubt...


You must watch your temper, you know. You won’t have much luck finding a Nalentine if you get angry so often.

For the last time, it’s valentine! V-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e!

Oh, I see what’s happened. You don’t have a kalentine this year, do you?

WHAT? I never said that!

If you worked on your temper a bit more, you might find one in time.

Oh, what do you know, we’re nearly out of word space for this interview! Oh my, how the word count does fly by when you’re enjoying yourself.

That’s an untruth. The word limit is fifty thousand. I believe you’ve only got about one thou...

Thus concludes my interview with the Uppingtons! Farewell, Archibald and Amelia, I and the rest of Neopia hope to hear from you again!

... Except next time, I hopefully won’t be the one interviewing you.

Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

Author's Note: This was my first attempt at writing an article. It was intended to be humorous, so I hope you found it that way. Otherwise... OH! LOOK A WHITE WEEWOO! *flees*

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