One Angry Kyrii: Part Two
When we last left Hawkins, he had: had his article rejected
from the Neopian Times, gone insane and attacked a famous author, gone to court,
lost in court, and been sentenced to attend mandatory anger management therapy
Yep… So, that's what passes as a story nowadays…
But, since you're reading it anyways…
Neopian Nuthou- I mean, Psychological Evaluation
Hawkins, a classic example of a green Kyrii
if one ever existed, walked into the waiting room of the doctor's office and
up to where a pink Poogle sat behind a window, manning the reception desk.
The room was the color of "calm", with bland
white walls, dull vanilla carpet, and black leather couches on the wall opposite
the reception window.
"Uhh, hi," Hawkins spoke into the little hole
at the bottom of the window, announcing his presence. "I'm here to see Doctor
"She'll be with you shortly," replied the pink
Poogle. She motioned to one of the two leather couches on the back wall. "In
the meantime, you can wait over there."
Hawkins walked over and took a seat on one of
the couches next to a rather twitchy, nervous-looking red JubJub with crazy,
uncombed hair. He looked over at Hawkins with wide, wild eyes. "Hi."
Hawkins looked back awkwardly, a tad nervous.
The JubJub nodded. "So you're here to see the
doctor, too?" His eyes twitched madly as he spoke.
Hawkins nodded in return. "Yep."
An awkward pause ensued.
"So… What are ya here for?" the JubJub asked
finally, breaking the silence.
"Well, I kinda… beat up the famous author,
The fellow pet cringed (or was it just another
nervous twitch?). "Ouch! That's bad!" A crazed, creepy smile crept across the
pet's face. "I like to burn things."
Hawkins paused, not sure what to say. "…That's…
nice…" he replied, gulping.
The JubJub's smile grew wider, his eyes twinkling.
"Can I burn you?"
"Uhhh… I'd prefer not…"
"Mister Hawkins," the receptionist called out
from the other side of the office. "Doctor Charmain is ready for you now."
Relieved, Hawkins practically flew out of his
seat as he hurried towards the door into the doctor's office.
"If you ever change your mind, just let me know!"
the JubJub called out as Hawkins rushed into the next room.
Closing the door behind him, Hawkins let out
a shudder. Creepy to the max!
Turning to face the rest of the rest of the
office, it seemed pretty normal as far as offices go - a couch on one wall,
a shelf of large complicated-looking medical books on the opposite wall, a painting
or two hanging about, a couple of potted plants spread throughout the office,
and a desk near the far wall - behind which sat the world famous assassin Zarrel
And even worse - she was dressed in a fancy
business suit and wearing glasses!
"Doctor" Charmain glanced up from what she was
writing on a notepad, smiling at the Kyrii. "Well, hello!" she greeted in a
sweet, calm voice. "You must be Hawkins!"
Hawkins looked back, a little nervous. "Uhhh…
hi…" He gave a weak wave.
The doctor continued smiling, motioning to the
couch next to her. "Why don't you take a seat?"
Hawkins, keeping a wary eye on the Zafara, made
his way over to the couch and sat down, though carefully choosing a spot on
the furthest cushion from the doctor, near the armrest. He never took his eyes
off of her.
After a moment of awkward silence, Hawkins began.
"Umm, this might be a weird question, but are you an… uhhh…"
"Assassin?" The Zafara continued to smile as
she replied in her uncharacteristically calm, quiet voice, not so much as flinching
at the allegation. "Yes… yes, I was. A long, long time ago… But that was my
old life. I've changed. I'm a much different person now."
"…Because you don't kill people?"
"Yes." Zarrel nodded. "You see, Hawkins, I used
to be very angry - that's why I would kill all the time-"
"I thought you did it for the Neopoints?"
"Well, yes, partially for the Neopoints… Yeah,
about half for the money and half because of anger... Well, no, it's more like,
sixty percent because of the money and forty percent for anger… Well, no, okay.
Seventy-five percent because of the Neopoints and twenty-five percent because
of anger. But trust me - there was a lot of anger!"
Hawkins nodded. "Oh, of course."
Zarrel smiled once more. "Well, anyways, should
we start the session?"
Hawkins shrugged. "You're the doc, Doc."
The Zafara nodded once more. "Okay then, let's
start. Now, how do you feel about your mother?"
Hawkins walked into his apartment, shutting
the door behind him. It had been a long day, and he was glad to be home after
an hour of talking to that Doctor Char- oh-my-gosh-there-she-is now!
Hawkins let out a startled cry, jumping back
at the sight of his therapist sitting on the couch next to a certain red Lenny
roommate by the name of Lennert.
The red Lenny turned back to look at his roommate
who had just walked through the door. "Oh hey! Guess who came over for milk
"Hello Hawkins!" Doctor Charmain greeted cheerily,
looking up from her plate of cookies.
"Ummm… Hi… Now, I hope this doesn't sound rude
of me, but what exactly are you doing here?" Hawkins inquired.
The doctor smiled. "Not at all! You see, from
our session today, I've decided that your anger stems from large amounts of
stress at home. So, I decided to come over and see just for myself what the
cause of all this stress might be!"
"Oh…" Hawkins nodded, going along with her explanation,
then turned and headed out into the kitchen to get something to eat.
As the doctor turned back to her milk and cookies,
Lennert asked, "So, were you really an assassin?!"
Doctor Charmain nodded. "Yes, I really was."
Lennert gave a wide ecstatic smile. "And did
you really kill people?"
The doctor nodded once more. "Yes, I really
"Whoa… Hey, quick - what's the coolest way you
could kill me right now?!"
"I could cut out your tongue, wrap it around
your throat, and strangle you with it," the ex-assassin replied simply, not
missing a beat.
Lennert froze for a moment, then let loose a
huge grin, his eyes growing wide. "…Whoa… That is SO cool!"
"Hey Lennert!" Hawkins called from the pair's
kitchenette-of-a-kitchen. "Did you go to the grocery store like I asked you
to this morning?"
"Yeah!" Lennert yelled back, turning around
in his seat on the couch to see what his roommate was up to.
Out in the kitchenette, Hawkins opened up on
of the cupboards above him - only to see a solid wall of nothing but packs of
cookies! "What? Lennert, what's all this?!"
"Oh yeah - I bought us thirty packs of cookies!"
Hawkins turned to the red Lenny sitting on the
couch across the room. "But, what happened to the list I gave you?!"
Lennert got up and walked around the couch and
towards where his roommate was in the kitchenette. "Bah!" he replied, waving
his wing as if it was nothing. "List? You're 'list' had crappy food, like 'carrots'
and 'bread' - no one eats that stuff!"
"But Lennert," Hawkins shouted in reply, "you
can't just buy thirty packs of cookies for food and call those groceries!"
"I know - that's why I bought three different
types!" Lennert replied, taking a step forward.
"You know," Hawkins continued to shout angrily,
"if it were up to you, we'd have nothing but cookies, morning, noon, and night!"
"Yeah, well, if it were up to you," Lennert
shouted back, "we'd have nothing but 'healthy' and 'nutritious' food!"
"That's it! You die now!" With that, Hawkins
lunged on Lennert, knocking him to the ground and starting to choke him.
"Bring it on!" Lennert edged from his position
beneath Hawkins. "I'm a man! I can take it!"
At this point, Lennert let out a loud series
of squawks as Hawkins banged his head into the floorboards repeatedly.
While this whole event was taking, Doctor Charmain
stood by, watching it unfold, taking notes. "You know," she spoke up, calm and
collective as always while the two wrestled around on the floor, "I'm sensing
some tension between you two…"
The two paused, looking up at her. "No way!"
they replied in unison.
"Way." She replied. "I believe, Hawkins, that
your anger does indeed come from stress with your roommate. You see, you two
are drastically different. You're obsessed with neatness and order - he's obsessed
"Aww!" Lennert smiled. "How nice of you to say!"
The doctor nodded. "Now, I have a solution to
this. See, the problem here is that the two of you simply don't understand each
other. So, my suggestion is that the two of you spend the day with each other
- the whole day!" She grinned. "Tomorrow, I want both of you to go to the park
and spend the entire day together! Learn about each other - what your likes
and dislikes are! What really gets on the other's nerves! And this, as I see
it, is the key to no longer strangling each other!"
Hawkins, who still had his paws wrapped around
his roommate's neck, shrugged. "Alright, I guess it's worth a shot."
A pause ensued. Then, from underneath him, Lennert
"Umm… Would you mind getting off of me now?"
Neopian Central Central Park
It was a bright sunny day in Neopian Central
Central Park. The birds were singing, the children were playing, and all was
Enter Hawkins and Lennert.
"Ahh! What a great, sunny day! Don't you think
so, Hawkins?" Lennert cheered happily, skipping along the paved path.
"Oh yeah… it's… great…" Hawkins called from
behind, lugging a large, heavy picnic basket over his shoulder as he brought
up the rear.
Lennert skipped off the path and out into an
open area of grass. "Okay!" he called out, holding his wings wide open in a
joyous pose. "Right here!"
For almost a minute, Lennert stood there, wings
outstretched, frozen in his happy position. Finally, Hawkins came crawling up
on paws and knees, exhausted and gasping for breath, just managing to pull the
picnic basket behind him.
"O…kay!" Hawkins panted, managing to climb to
his feet. "Now that we're here… what should we do?"
"Lets eat!" Lennert cheered, breaking from his
pose. "I'm starving!"
"Alright," nodded Hawkins, opening the basket
and spreading a red-and-white checkered picnic blanket over their spot in the
Lennert plopped down on the blanket, the basket
before him, and started digging through it, pulling out a salad, a sandwich,
and a juice box full of grape juice. Then, having found what he wanted, the
Lenny turned and sat the basket down next to him.
Hawkins, sitting opposite his roommate, watched
patiently as Lennert started digging into his salad with a fork, waiting for
him to pass the basket. After a moment of awkwardness, Hawkins sighed.
Lennert went on eating, oblivious to his roommate
sitting across from him, food-less.
Hawkins gave out a cough.
Lennert just went on eating.
"Lennert, you idiot-" Hawkins caught himself,
closed his eyes and gave himself a few seconds to cool off. "Lennert," Hawkins
began, more calmly this time, "would you please pass me the food?"
Lennert looked up. "What food?"
"…The food in the basket…"
"Oh, there's no food in there for you!"
Hawkins' face dropped. "What?"
Lennert shrugged. "You didn't tell me to pack
you any food!"
"I told you to pack food for the both of us!"
"No!" Lennert retorted. "You told me to pack
'the' food! I thought you meant 'the food for me'! If I had known you
would want food, I would've packed some for you, too!"
Hawkins stared across at his roommate, too speechless
for words. "Okay…" Hawkins began finally. "Well, in that case, what am I supposed
to do for food?"
Lennert motioned towards a small blue Lupe sitting
not too far away on his own blanket eating out of a picnic basket of his own.
"No!" Hawkins shouted in reply. "I'm not asking
some little kid I don't even know for food!"
"More chips, Mister Hawkins?" The young Lupe,
about half of Hawkins' height, held out a bag of chips for the Kyrii beside
Hawkins looked at the bag blankly for a minute,
then slowly reached into the bag, pulled out a handful of chips, and started
munching on them expressionlessly. "This is so demeaning…" he muttered.
Hawkins glanced up from where he sat on the
Lupe's picnic blanket to see Hawkins across the field standing around a bunch
of slides, marry-go-rounds, and seesaws - the local playground!
"Hey Hawkins! Look! They have a playground!
A playground, Hawkins! Come on! Let's play! Let's play!" the Lenny shouted,
jumping up and down like a three year-old.
Hawkins sighed, pulling himself to his feet.
"This should be good…" he muttered, jogging over to the playground.
Lennert turned and dashed over to the merry-go-round,
which a group of young Chias were already riding.
"Ooooh! I wanna ride!" he cooed. And at that,
he grabbed one of the tiny yellow Chias as he spun by and pulled him off into
the dirt, jumping on in his place.
From the dirt, the young Chia looked up. "Hey!"
he cried out angrily. "You have to wait your turn!"
Lennert, however, couldn't hear the boy over
the sound of his own voice as he hung over the side.
Finally, the merry-go-round lost all its momentum
and slowed to a stop.
Before any of the other children could yell
at Lennert for being too heavy, he had jumped off the ride and raced over to
another nearby ride, yelling, "Sliiiiide!" all the way.
"Uhh, Lennert?" Hawkins called out warily, following
his roommate but, at the same time, keeping an eye on some of the other less-than
thrilled children around the playground. "Maybe we should take it easy…"
But Lennert couldn't hear him. He was already
halfway up the stairs to the top of the slide, pushing and shoving young pets
out of his way as he cut ahead. Many of them went tumbling over the stairs and
onto the dirt as Lennert threw them over the sides in his quest to reach the
top of the slide.
When he finally got there, he grabbed a young
Meerca and threw him over the sides to the ground below. And the Lenny, a maniacal
smile on his face, went sliding headfirst down the slide to the bottom.
Reaching the bottom, Lennert climbed up and
looked over at Hawkins, a wild glee in his eye. "Hawkins, I've never had such
fun in my life!"
But the Kyrii wasn't looking at Lennert - he
was too busy staring, wide-eyed with fear, at the crowd of angry young children
converging slowly, some of whom were armed with rocks and sharp pokey sticks!
Terrified, Hawkins took a few steps backwards
and spun around - only to see a second group walking towards them slowly from
the other direction!
"Well, this is just great, Lennert," Hawkins
muttered, looking around to realize the pair was surrounded by young children.
"Now what do you expect us to do?"
"There's no escape!" Lennert squeaked quietly
in fear. "We can't defeat sticks and stones! They're gonna break our bones!"
Lennert turned his head towards Hawkins. "However, have no fear, Hawkins - they're
words can never hurt us!"
"I'm not looking at their words!" Hawkins replied,
not taking his eyes off of the converging mob. "I'm looking at their weapons!"
"Aww, man!" Lennert cried. "Where's a scene-cut
when you need one?"
The door to Hawkins and Lennert's apartment
swung open slowly, revealing the two very beat up-looking roommates standing
there, both staring ahead stupidly, rather out of it.
Hawkins turned his head slowly toward Lennert.
"Well, that didn't work out very well, did it?"
Lennert just continued staring ahead, eyes unfocused.
"I've sure learned my lesson - I'm never going to mess with children smaller
than me ever again unless it's to my own personal benefit."
With that, the two walked into the apartment
and looked around - only to realize it was completely empty!
No couch. No coffee table. No stools at the
kitchenette counter. Nothing! The only thing left in the apartment was the outlines
of where their furniture had once rested in the dust on the floor.
Hawkins gazed around, mouth hanging wide open
with shock. "Wha… Wha… Where's all our stuff?!"
"Hmm…" Lennert wondered aloud, coming to Hawkins'
side. "This is really weird - Hawkins, did you know all our stuff is gone?"
Hawkins continued to stare, mouth agape, at
their bare living room.
"You know," Lennert continued, "we should probably
ask Doctor Charmain where all the stuff is - she was here all day, so she'd
Hawkins closed his eyes tight, trying with all
his might to hold in his anger as he replied, "Lennert, please don't tell me
you gave my therapist, Zarrel Charmain - formally one of the most feared assassins
and thieves in all of Neopia - the keys to our apartment…"
"Of course!" Lennert replied. "She said she wanted
to do some remodeling to try and make the apartment more 'friendly roommate-friendly'!
So, I gave her the keys to let her work on it while we were gone!" He turned
to Hawkins. "Why, do you think she knows where all the furniture went?!"
Hawkins took a deep breath, eyes still closed,
as he tried to keep his temper. "Yeah, she wanted to do some remodeling - remodeling
by taking all our stuff!" Hawkins caught himself, pausing in an attempt
to regain control of his anger. "Alright," he continued, this time more calm.
"I'm going to bed. I'll… deal with this tomorrow."
With that, Hawkins made his way off to his bedroom
and closed the door, leaving Lennert alone in the living room. After a moment,
Lennert walked out to the kitchenette and opened up one of the cabinets, only
to see that it was completely devoid of any and all cookies.
"Aww…" he pouted. "She took the cookies, too…
Man, that makes me so angry!" He clinched his wings into fists. "I could just
beat up a random Neopian Times author right now!"
Stupid 'Times authors, with their "stories"
about Kyriis and Lennies… I hate them… Every single one…