One Angry Kyrii: Part One
Hawkins laid down his pen, leaning back from his desk contently.
After nine straight, grueling hours of writing, working through the night into
the morning, he'd finally finished it - his next great article! Six pages of pure
unadulterated genius - a splendid article on how to raise petpets (something Hawkins
was sure no one had ever thought to write about before) which he was sure would
Dark circles beneath his eyes, the green Kyrii
wandered out from his bedroom and into the main living room of the apartment
he shared with a certain red Lenny.
Speak of the devil, there he is now!
Lennert stood in the middle of their kitchenette,
obviously (making an attempt at) cooking breakfast while he stood behind a pan
of bacon with some pieces of bread sitting on the counter waiting to be toasted,
an apron around his front. When the Kyrii walked out, Lennert turned, smiling
wildly. "Morning, Hawkins! Sleep well?"
Hawkins, too content to worry about why his
roommate was so darn cheery, or why he was cooking breakfast again, just smiled
back, sleepily. "Oh, I didn't sleep at all! But I'll tell you what I did
"Finish writing you're article?"
"…Yeah…" Hawkins was a bit taken aback by the
Lenny's guess. "How'd you know?"
Lennert shrugged. "Lucky guess." He paused,
looking around the apartment, a bit confused. "Something about this feels familiar…"
"Oh… Well, I'd better be getting to work," Hawkins
replied. As he crossed the room and reached for the door, the Kyrii stopped,
looked back, and pointed at Lennert. "Ummm, just out of curiosity, you don't
happen to have a flamethrower under there, do you?"
Lennert shook his head. "I'm just trying to
cook bacon," he replied, motioning to the frying pan cooking on the stove before
him. As he did so, a huge flame shot up from the pan, reaching three feet into
the air; the Lenny didn't even notice.
"Okay..." nodded Hawkins, eyeing the pillar
of fire coming out of the frying pan. "Well, just try not to burn the apartment
down." And with that, he opened the door and walked out.
Lennert just smiled, turning back to the burning
bacon, still not noticing the tower of flame in front of his face. "Pssh. Now,
why would he say a thing like that?"
Hmmmm… why indeed…
Neopian Times HQ, Brintle's Office
Hawkins worked (less than proudly) at the Neopian
Times - Neopia's premier news magazine (as well as its only one), where he held
the prestigious job of Reporter/Writer. Or something like that. Even Hawkins
wasn't sure what his exact job was. But he got paid. And that's all that really
mattered to him.
Hawkins strode proudly into the office of his
boss, a white Blumaroo who answered to the name Mister Brintle. The Kyrii wore
a wide, victorious smile on his face. He marched right up to the desk, slammed
his article down on the top - and looked up only to realize the office was completely
"Uhhh, Mister Brintle?.." Hawkins' eyes glanced
around the room, confused. The room was completely devoid of any Blumaroos…
or so it would've seemed…
"What?! Who's there?"
The voice, along with some rustling sounds,
came from beneath the desk. Curious, Hawkins leaned over the top of the desk
in wonder - only to jump back in surprise as a certain white Blumaroo popped
out from underneath it, startled.
"Oh, Honkenson!" the Assistant Editor breathed,
holding his chest in relief as he stood up. "It's only you! Thank goodness!
I was just… ummm, looking for something…"
Hawkins, bewildered, leaned over the desktop,
trying to peer behind it. "Mister Brintle, were you… sleeping under your
"Oh, uhhh, no! Of course not!" the Blumaroo
replied defensively, his eyes shifting side to side suspiciously. "I was just,
ummm, searching for my shoes!" He let out a nervous cough.
"But you don't wear shoes…"
"Well, of course I don't, anymore - I
lost them!" Brintle glanced down at his desk and noticed the Kyrii's article
on top. "Oh! What's this?" He picked up the group of papers and started reading
through it, nodding approvingly. "Well, Howkers, this is very good work!"
"Howkers" grinned, impatiently waiting for what
he knew was coming. "It is?!"
"Yes. I really like it!"
"Yes. And I believe there's only one thing to
do with it…"
Brintle looked up at the Kyrii, handing him the
article. "Reject it."
Hawkins' face dropped in surprise. "What?!..."
"Sorry," the Blumaroo shrugged, sitting back
in his chair, "but I just gave away our last space about an hour ago."
Hawkins, green jaw agape, could only stare back
in shock. "You did? To who?"
"Stoneman3x," the Assistant Editor replied,
adding a muttered, "of course, if maybe you'd remembered to pay your restaurant
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing!" Brintle smiled. "Now get out -
I have to keep looking for my socks."
"You mean shoes…"
Brintle scowled. "Yeah, uhhh, whatever. Just
leave." He pointed to the door.
Walking out, Hawkins closed the door behind him
and leaned against it, paws clinched into tight fists, scowling. "Stoneman…
You'll pay." The Kyrii fumed. "You'll pay, Stoneman! You'll pay dearly!"
"Hey!" came Brintle's voice from behind his office
door. "Some of us are trying to nap- I mean, search for our shoes in here! So
would you mind making your horribly cliché death threats elsewhere?"
"Hmmph!" Hawkins mumbled, stomping off.
Outside the Neopian Times HQ
Stoneman3x, better known to the world as Stoneman,
Stoney, Mister Pebbles, Mister Geological-formation, and about a million-and-one
other names, walked out of the Neopian Times building, strolling down the paved
walkway to the sidewalk, his long brown hair reflecting the sun almost as much
as his brown eyes. The sky above was clear and cloudless as he strolled along
merrily, a cheerful smile on his face and a black "Wock Till You Drop" tee on
Man, acceptance felt great!
He had just reached the sidewalk when heard
someone shout out "Hey Stone!" from behind.
Stone turned back to see a familiar Kyrii storming
towards him, eyes narrowed. "Oh, hey!" the human greeted with a smile, extending
his hand to shake. "Hawkins, look, I heard about your article, and I just wanted
to say good try and better luck next-"
"You're gonna die, Stone!" The Kyrii cried,
lunging at Stone's chest and knocking him to the ground
"Help! Someone, help!" the human cried, trying
to shield himself as the Kyrii scratched at his face. "I'm being attacked by
a crazy Kyrii, and he's going for my beautiful face! Oh gosh, please, someone,
save my face!"
A few random people stopped to watch the scene,
mouths agape. "Oh no!" one random person shouted. "Stone's in trouble! We have
to do something or that Kyrii might hurt him!"
"Or even worse," cried a second, "he might hurt
the lucky green boots!"
"Get him!" shouted a third.
All at once, a whole mop of people converged
on the two, trying desperately to pull them apart. After a few seconds, Hawkins
was able to climb above the swarm of people, crackling hysterically. "I've got
his boot!" he shouted, waving one of Stone's trademark lucky green boots in
the air. "I've got his boot! I've got his boot! I've got his boot! Hahahahaha!!!"
Neopian Central Courthouse, a few days later…
*BANG! BANG! BANG!*
The judge, a blue Eyrie garbed in a black judge's
robe, banged his gavel loudly, calling the court to attention with an, "Order!
The courtroom was an average-looking courtroom,
with white walls, rows of benches in the back for seating, and short, waist-high
fence separating the seating area from the judge, plaintiff, and defendant.
It was packed full for the trial, with journalists,
reporters, and other curious people alike all crowded together - everyone wanted
to see this trial. It wasn't everyday that the greatest author in Neopia
was attacked by an insane Kyrii!
Stone sat to the judge's left at the plaintiff's
table. He resided in a wheelchair, his leg propped up in a cast, his neck in
a brace. Hawkins, in the mean time, sat at the defendant's table to the right.
"Hawkins," said the blue Eyrie of a judge, turning
to the green Kyrii, "you are hereby charged with Assault, Battery, Assault with
Battery, Battery with Assault, and Assault while Attempting Battery. Do you
have any legal counsel to defend you?"
Hawkins nodded grimily, motioning to the pet
sitting next to him - a wide-eyed, goofy-grinned Lennert. And he was
wearing a cool business suit!
Lennert patted his roommate's arm reassuringly.
"Don't worry," he comforted. "I know exactly what I'm doing - I'll get
you out of this!" He stood up, adjusting his fancy-looking suit and tie. Grinning
and waving at the judge, Lennert greeted with a "Hiya! I'm Lennert!"
The judge eyed the Lenny suspiciously, unimpressed.
"And you're this pet's legal council?..."
Lennert rolled his eyes. "No, I'm his lawyer."
He turned to Hawkins, whispering (though, loud enough for the whole room to
hear) "Boy, this guy sure is stupid, huh?"
Hawkins buried his face in his paws. This wasn't
going to end up good…
The judge sighed. "How do you plead?"
"I plead ignorance, you honor," Lennert replied,
standing up straight.
The judge stared back, blankly. "… That's not
one of your options…"
"Oh no, I'm serious!" Lennert replied, shrugging
his shoulders and smiling, embarrassed. "I mean, really - I have no idea what
I'm doing here! This suit? It's a rental!" Lennert reached down and held up
a book titled "The Book of Law". "Seriously, I have no idea what this thing
says - I carved out the inside and use it to hide the money I steal from Hawkins!"
"Hey!" Hawkins cried out from behind.
Finished, Lennert retook his seat next to his
client, who seemed less-than pleased with the Lenny's defense - judging by the
shocked, pale white look on his face.
"Do you have any idea what you just did?!"
Hawkins whispered exasperatedly to his "lawyer".
"Of course!" Lennert replied, waving his wing
as if Hawkins was being silly. "See my plan is simple - I'm gonna pretend
to be stupid now, then turn around and get us a miss-trial later!" Lennert tapped
his head, grinning. "Genius, huh?"
Hawkins, wearing a look of complete fear, was
too shocked to reply.
The blue Eyrie judge let out an exasperated
sigh, putting his face in his paws. "Okay, then. Well, in that case, Hawkins,
I hereby find you guilty of all charges."
Lennert raised his wing in the air, wiggling
it like a schoolboy who knew the answer to a question. "Umm, wait a minute.
Doesn't it say somewhere in The Book of Law about a trial or… something?"
"Have you read The Book of Law?"
The judge shrugged. "Then it doesn't say that."
He turned to face Hawkins. "Hawkins, as punishment for your crimes, you are
hereby sentenced to undergo anger management therapy and counseling." He grabbed
his gavel. "Court dismissed!"
And with the fall of the judge's gavel, everyone
in the courtroom began to file out. As Hawkins got up from his seat, Stone wheeled
himself over in his wheelchair, neck-brace and leg-cast and all, but still smiling.
"Look Hawkins," he began, "I'm really sorry
about all this. Tell you what - you just apologize and I'll tell the judge to
take back the punishment. Then, we can just forget about this whole thi-"
"Die Stone!" Hawkins cried out, enraged, tackling
the author to the ground.
Some guys will never learn…
To be continued...