(Almost) Ten Fun Uses for Your Lawnmower
Lists, lists, lists -- everyone seems to be obsessed with lists, but I have yet to find the one list that will truly be useful to all Neopians. In all the issues of the Neopian Times that I have read (and there have been a lot of them, mind you), I have never once read a good list, or even a bad one, on the many uses of a lawnmower. Tragically, it seems that most people really do not know how extraordinarily functional this handy piece of machinery is! As I am the (self-proclaimed) Queen of Functionality and of Lawnmowers, I feel that it is my duty to fill you in on all the best uses of this great piece of equipment. Been waiting on that list of the many uses for your lawnmower? Fret no longer -- your wait is over!
1) As the name implies, the most obvious and perhaps the most common use of a lawnmower is to mow your lawn. Swiftly and easily, your lawnmower can level any overgrown jungle of a backyard into a soft, cushiony turf that is as great to look at as it is to run and play on. As an additional bonus, any lawn clippings you get from your mowing job can be made into a delicious Healthy Grass Hot Dog and a chilling Freshly Cut Grass Slushie to refresh you and cool you off after all that hard work. Yum!
2) For those of you who may not be blessed with a green thumb, you may be stuck having to use an alternate ground covering for your Neogardens. One very realistic alternative to grass is snot. Sure, it’s really quite gross to step in, but it’s green, it can be found in great abundance for very cheap, and it has that nice shine that healthy grass has so it’s likely that no one will ever notice the difference! The only problem left lies in that if you never have to sweat and toil over your lawn the way your neighbors do, they will quickly catch on about it not being the real thing! With a lawnmower, you need no longer worry that in your laze, you are giving away your secrets. Just push your lawnmower across your lawn every few days to give your yard the true appearance of being the real thing without all of the horrible Moffits and Fleafs that a great lawn usually attracts! Now won’t all your neighbors be jealous?!
3) If you are really looking to impress your neighbors, just use your lawnmower for those extra-difficult hedging projects. Want your Dwarf Tree to look like a Star Tree? Of course you do! Is your Blazing Frooble Shrub dying to be shaped into the head of the grand and mysterious (and handsome!) Dr. Frank Sloth? Of course it is! With a lawnmower, you will easily be able to tackle this and many other hedging jobs at once and you will have your neogarden winning awards in no time, making your neighbors jealous all the while! (Bonus: One tool serving multiple gardening purposes is an excellent space-saver. No more cluttered garden shed for you!)
4) Sadly, some of us aren’t even blessed with the luxury of having a neogarden at all. For those city-dwellers among us, a lawnmower may at first seem rather unnecessary, but let us not be so hasty to judge! Even if you have no gardens at all, a lawnmower still really is an ideal tool for you! Stand your mower against the wall in your den, place a potted plant beside it, and voila -- you’ve got a stylish and tasteful new piece of modern art to show off to all of your friends! How fabulous!
5) If your style is less modern and more something else, and if your lawn is completely under control, you may really feel now that a lawnmower would be a useless tool for you to have around. This is simply not true. If this is the case for you, the next best use for your mower would be in place of Kyrii Hair Scissors the next time your pet’s hair needs a trim (after all, we don’t all have a Kyrii!). Careful, though -- you wouldn’t want to clip off an ear (unless your pet is a Gnorbu*)!
6) A lawnmower also makes an excellent addition to your kitchen tools. The fastest and easiest way that I have found to cut sandwiches up for a party is to pile them on the floor and run your mower over them a few times. The resulting bits of sandwich are in a variety of shapes and sizes so there will surely be something to please even the most discerning guest. Anyone hungry?
7) While we’re on the subject of parties, there is no party event that will bring your guests more fun and excitement than will lawnmower racing. Get on your mark and race your mower to the finish line. Just as a warning, though -- when racing your mowers against other racers, it really is best to give your mower the lead. If you don’t, you may just be run over! On your mark, get set, GO!
8) If partying isn’t your thing, I can fully relate. I, too, am far more work-minded than I am fun-minded (really!), so trust me when I say that I can assure you that a lawnmower is still the perfect tool for you. Too many days, I have gone to my office only to find that my Quiggle Scissors have been eaten again right when I need to cut out Neopian Times clippings to paste on my wall. “What to do?” I would ask myself, and then it hit me! A-Ha! Just as you would with sandwiches for the party that you would have if you were more fun-minded, lay out the paper and run your lawnmower right over it for perfectly cut pieces. (Bonus again for the less work-minded among us: Run the paper over a few times more and you can use the shreds as cracker filling at your next party!)
9) One thing most Neopians fail to realise is that lawnmowers could make an excellent toy for their pets. Don’t have the neopoints to spring for for a soft plushie or a fun bouncy ball to give to your sad and bored Gnorbu? Give your lovely pet his very own lawnmower and he’ll be entertained for hours! Up the enjoyment by giving your pet all of the additional attachments for hedging and trimming!
So there you have it -- almost ten fun uses for your lawnmower. I am willing to bet that you never before knew how useful that your lawnmower could be. While some of these may seem at first to be a little risky or off-the-wall, I am certain that after you’ve tried them, you will see that every single use I have provided is completely safe and is 100% sound**.
* I’m kidding! I honestly love Gnorbus. They’re positively delicious!
** By “completely safe and 100% sound” I mean “Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, try these at home!”