Monster Attacks And You
In Neopia, wars are almost an everyday thing. Whether as a way to beat an ancient curse or dominate all of Neopia, someone (or something) causes these wars. Now, wars may be fine and dandy (and give some really swanky prizes) but what about all the collateral damage? In Meridell, hundreds of homes were destroyed, making for millions of Neopoints of damage. Now the king usually makes all this back from Double or Nothing, but still, how can we commoners save our Neopoints? Well, after participating in two wars, I noticed one thing that causes all these problems: giant monsters. Yes, the giant monsters. Not your cuddly happy fun fellow Neopians, but rather an insurance Chia’s nightmare. So what can we do to protect ourselves from these monsters? There are many cheap knock-off methods, but here is the golden way to assure no monster destruction. (Or your money back!)
Made by the same company who made nOOb-be-gone. An easy to use spray worth thousands of Neopoints, guaranteed to work or your money back (that is, if the company wasn’t destroyed). Now a simple spray may not seem to be the best repellant for a giant monster, but it smells as bad as a Skeith who just ate beans. In fact, you won’t even want to be around the awful smell of monster-eradicating success!
2. Loud noises
Big monsters mean large appendages, and large appendages means VERY large ears. So let’s go to one of Neopia’s most underused stores, the music shop. Better stock up on trumpets and snare drums, and make the musical Neopians happy. Just be careful, it takes practice to be good, and your loud noises might get the whistle-blowing Chia police on your tail (or fins)!
They might seem small and obsolete, but JubJubs are a well known food source of many strong and mighty beasts, like the monoceraptor. You’ll need lots of them, though, since they are pretty small. But rather than sacrificing real JubJubs, why not buy some JubJub plushies or chocolates? May cost you a little, but you’ll be happy you did. Now if your monster isn’t as easily fooled as most monsters are, get a garlic JubJub. Once they get close enough and try to eat your cute little JubJub, they will immediately spit them out! Just make sure you have soap and water ready, because monster saliva is not pleasant to be around.
4. Monster diplomacy
Even a monster knows Neopian diplomacy. First, all you need is that oral commitment, make a contract, and boom! You have nothing to worry about. Here’s a contract excerpt I dug up between Maraqua and a giant kelp field destroying guppy.
“And so, we the Kois and other citizens under the equal protection and just rights of all pets and petpets alike have concluded with the giant monster from the deep to make a cease fire between our Maracite armored forces and the giant monster's devastating claws. The terms of the terms and conditions are that the citizens leave the monster fifteen acres of land, and in return the giant monster shall not devour, destroy commercial or residential districts, or cause any other damage to our property in the range this contract protects.”
Unfortunately, they didn’t have a monster-sized pen to sign the document, and the Maraquan village houses were completely destroyed anyway.
5. Have a dinner party
What better than to have a few buttered scones and tea? A very polite, nice way to say to your attacker, “Hey, care to have some brunch?” Not only will the monster easily accept, he gets fed and your house doesn’t get destroyed. Although there are a few problems concerning a dinner party. There might be a shortage of chairs, and when a big monster wants food, he may consume your whole potato stock pile! And a shortage of potatoes means really easy potato counter games, and MPC would go bankrupt.
6. Just say no!
Big monsters not only means big ears, but big feelings. Just simply mock them and say, “No, bad monster!” Be the assertive parent and scold the savage property-rearranging beast. And even if you have to, give the big bad monster a good spanking. Just make sure you mock or tease them well enough to send them home crying and not into a mighty strong fit of rage destroying you and possibly your beloved neohome. And if you do make them bawl out their eyes, prepare for the gigantic river of tears (and I don’t mean that figuratively)!
7. Sic a bigger monster on them
Though I wouldn’t suggest bullying the monster yourself, go hire a flunky monster to do the dirty work of battling for you. Just make sure you get a pretty strong, easily-controllable monster. Don’t want your hired gigantic hand to do what the attacking monster does; destroy your precious property. Make sure you have the neopoints to cover the monster, too; as I’ve heard the Monster Union is pretty strong. They might even want a giant tooth dental plan and a long lunch break!
8. Feed them to your Skeith
Skeiths will usually eat anything, from the disgusting dung furniture to rare jade scorchstones. Maybe they would even eat a giant monster for you? Well, not exactly, but if you have your pet Skeith, you could at least taunt the big bad monster with threats of your Skeith attacking. So unless you get a giant Skeith, just hope you can trick the monster into thinking your Skeith is hungry for monster a la mode.
9. Sue them!
Have damages that can never be repaired? Is your arm broken and your Lupe’s food been eaten? If so, call Chia & Chia Law Firm to get your rightful justice. Guaranteed to make sure your justice will be served with a side of asparagus! So sue the pants off that evil monster (that’s if he wears pants, of course.) Just one problem with suing a monster - you might have to find a very large courtroom, and usually monsters break the witness stand’s chairs.
10. Call the Neopian Defenders
Who ya’ goina’ call? THE MONSTER BUSTERS! Well, close enough. With their super powers and abilities to easily stop any crime, these guys are top notch in the art of monster extermination and eradication. For years they have gotten all of the greatest villains and monsters groveling on their knees! Maybe it’s their awesome Battledome weapons or their sleek and cool costumes. They are sure to save your day. Just make sure to leave a message at the Defender’s home. Right now they are too busy saving bikes!
11. Destroy the monster's house first!
You definitely need to destroy the monster’s house. They always destroy your precious rooms and gardens; why not give them a taste of it themselves? You'd better get your super attack peas ready, though, since these houses/lairs are notorious for being large and well built (i.e. caves and floating monoliths). And let’s not forget the Mrs. Monster. She might get in your way of conquering her beloved house. She might get a little testy.
12. Hide under your blanket and hope they go away
If you just can’t win, hide under your comfortable little blanket and hope they don’t attack you and your house. Normally the coward’s way out seems to be a weak and stupid way out of any problem, but hey, who wants to have to fret about the monster's feet destroying your house? Plus, it’s simple. All you need is a blanket, some luck, and a good insurance company. Monsters smell fear, so make sure you don’t sweat!
Monsters are people too, though slightly larger than your average polarchuck. Not all are bad either, so if you might accidentally hurt a friendly monster’s friend, you better run or apologize. Hey, even the ugliest, most hideous monsters have a heart and feelings too. So hug a good monster today and let them feel the love, and stop the problem of angry destructive monsters! You’ll save plenty of neopoints on not buying overpriced law suits and cans of monster spray, that’s for sure.