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How to be an Awfully Good Musician


by violinoutoftune

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NEOSCHOOL – Welcome class! Yes, it is me again; your fun-loving, interminably intelligent, kind, loving, fat, frenzied, fabulously un-fashionable red Bruce of a teacher: Prof. Knowitnot! Now, I’m not one for long introductions, so let’s get started!

Today’s lesson is all about how to be an awfully accurate, ear-popping musician! Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I know absolutely nothing about music. You’re thinking that I’ve never held a musical instrument in my life. On the contrary, my doubtful students, I am an accordionist. Yes! I found a nice new accordion in a shop yesterday, I started playing it, and now I’m famous! I’m wanted everywhere. Don’t believe me? Have you seen all those posters around town? There’s a huge picture of me under a big black “WANTED”. Below my picture it says “Reward 10,000 NP”. That’s a LOT of money for a musician, and there are tons of those posters around Neopia Central and abroad. I guess a whole lot of people really want me to play for them, and they’ll pay a lot for it too!

So now we get to you, class. All of you surely want to earn lots of Neopoints and have your picture all over town, right? Of course you do! But first you need some tips on musicianship. So pick up your pencils, class, and get ready to take notes! On your mark… get set… and HERE WE GO!

Get the right instrument – The first thing any musician needs is an instrument! (Duh!) Now the question is what instrument is right for you. Well, pets without fingers should definitely go with the instruments that you need fingers for, like the violin, or guitar. That way, you’ll have a challenge in your paws. Pets with small lungs should get some kind of blowing instrument. That way you’ll increase your lung capacity or pass out, both of which are very good. Increasing your lung capacity will increase your health and passing out, falling, and hurting yourself will increase the Neopian Hospital’s wallet. It’s a win-win situation either way.

Getting that instrument - You can pick up your instrument at the Neopian Music Shop in Neopia Central. Now shopping is a very difficult task. It works best if you go at night after the store closes, as it will be less crowded then. Just break the lock on the door (why does anyone need locks, anyway?) and wipe your feet on the mat before entering. (You wouldn’t want to dirty the floor now, would you?) Next find your dream instrument and leave quickly before it gets crowded. It’s as easy as that.

Once you have your instrument there are some general things about playing it that you better know:

Don’t Practice – Practicing is a sign of weakness. Weakness is a sign that you’re weak. Nobody wants to be weak, so don’t practice.

Make sure your instrument is out of tune before attempting to play – Being “out of tune” is the latest fad in the music world, believe it or not. In a recent unofficial and uncompleted poll, 76% of Neopians said they wanted to hear “different music” over the 20% that “didn’t care,” and the 4% that said they “didn’t want to hear anything at all.” So hopefully for that 76%, “out of tune” music is “different” enough for them.

Don’t use sheet music – Musical notation is very, very confusing and extremely unnecessary. Besides, without sheet music you will have to improvise EVERYTHING; which shows that you are very, very talented. But improvising does take a lot of creativity, so you may have to drink some juice to get some more of those creative juices flowing around in you. I find Juppie Juice to be very inspiring and quite tasty too!

When playing, be bent over at the waist exactly 63 degrees – If you don’t know how much 63 degrees is, get a giant protractor. By doing this, the sound will bounce off the floor, then bounce off the ceiling, then bounce off the floor, and then the ceiling again. This will help the sound resonate throughout the room and make your playing seem louder by producing a very ineffective echo… Ha! Ha! I was just kidding! The real purpose is to make the sound waves look prettier. If you could see sound that is. Ha, ha, ha!

When Auditioning:

Be as nervous as possible – When you’re nervous, you sweat. Sweat is created when you burn energy. So if you want to have an energetic audition and prove to the judges how good you really are, then be nervous and sweat.

Don’t smile at the judges, especially if you have a nice smile – The judges will know when you are trying to fess up to them, and it won’t work. They’ll eliminate you then and there. You can save that suave smile of yours for when you get your picture in The Neopian Times for winning Best Musician of the Year.

Drink Neocola right before the audition – You’ll be burping the whole time. The judges will probably feel sorry for you. Thus they will give you a high score out of pity and since they never actually heard any of your performance because they were too busy listening to your burping.

Eat garlic right before the audition – The key to a good audition is making a good impression with the judges. And what better way to do that than by having a strong odor? It’s bound to leave an impression! If you don’t want to use garlic you can use whatever distinctive food scent you want. Just don’t use any savory-smelling scents as the judges might get a bit hungry and go out for lunch. Or even worse, start eating you!

When Performing:

Get in the right mood beforehand – The right mood is EVERYTHING! If you aren’t in the right mood, you may totally forget everything you’ve learned. Of course, that may not be that much, but you better be on the safe side, okay?

Always perform for sleeping audiences – You’ll get a better response that way.

Always use an extremely large and bulky music stand – It must be big enough to block the audience from you, and you from the audience. (So, really, REALLY big!) This will help with two things. You will not be distracted by the snoring audience and, if the audience does wake up, they will not be able to let their prejudices of species and taste of clothing interfere with their enjoyment of the music. If an extremely large and bulky music stand is not available, you can simply turn off the lights for the same benefits. Using an extremely large and bulky music stand is better, though, because it will reflect your beautiful music back to your own ears and reassure you that you’re doing wonderfully.

At the end of your performance, don’t bow – You are already bent over exactly 63 degrees, so bowing isn’t really necessary. Besides the audience can’t see you, so whether you bow or not doesn’t matter to them, especially is they are still sleeping and never heard your performance, anyway. This might actually be a good time to stand up straight, but you don’t have to. If you do you’ll be saving your back, but if you don’t, you’ll be saving the Neopian Hospital from bankruptcy. It’s another wonderful win-win situation.

After the Performance:

If the audience clapped – They’re just trying to be nice. This really means that you are practicing and need to stop the bad habit immediately.

If the audience boos you, throws things at you, and screams “Get off the stage!” – Then they are simply jealous of your wonderful playing. But don’t try to stop them. They need to vent their anger properly, and if booing, screaming, and throwing their chairs at you helps, so be it. Please note that this could be where the extra large and bulky music stand comes in handy. But if you don’t have one of those, do realize that as you are helping the audience vent steam by being their target, you will also again be helping the hospital pay it’s bills. And this is also yet another win-win situation. You aren’t winning by getting hurt, but you are winning in regards that you must be doing something right if other Neopians are jealous of you.

If the audience is still asleep – Your playing needs to be louder, and the audience needs to drink more coffee.

Well class, sadly that’s all the notes I have for you today on being awfully good musicians. Now I would be giving you a demonstration of my playing ability, but my accordion and I have tons of job offers in the form of wanted posters. So for now, so long! I hope to hear about each one of you popping the ears of audiences everywhere real soon!

 
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