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Sloth's Destruct-O-Match II


by garoo_

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Destructomatch 2... “2” be played at your own risk. (Get it, get it, 2? Haha? No? Darn...)

Destructomatch II has got to be my favorite Neopets game. It sent the original straight to the Game Graveyard. This game is so treacherous, so full of trickery, deceit and boondoggling, that I simply refuse to accept that the Neopets Team created it. No, it must be the work of my master, Doctor Sloth.

I am writing this article to assist you, you filthy excuse for a peon... I mean “Neogamer.” In the following paragraphs, you will learn to play Destructomatch II like a pro! Forget about the old Destructomatch. This one is so completely different, it’ll make your head spin! (Or at least join Sloth’s cause.)

The first thing you’ll notice is the really nifty menu. Go ahead and click “Start Game.” I'll tell you everything you need to know from the “Instructions” tab, and much, much more.

When you begin a level, there will usually be a boulder with a timer on it. If it’s touching any other boulders of the same color, get rid of it quickly! You can destroy the boulder with the counter the same way you destroy any other boulder, excluding the Fire Boulder. We’ll talk about the Fire Boulder later. If you listen closely, you’ll notice that the Morph Boulder--the boulder with the counter--counts down its seconds with the clock sound from the Carnival of Terror. The Carnival of Terror is a game owned by Dr. Sloth. The familiar jingle of the clock/timer in both games should please you. Dr. Sloth welcomes you with open arms. OPEN ARMS I SAY! Or at least, throw down your arms and join Sloth’s army. Or bear arms in Sloth’s army... or try to rip off a joke from an article in the second Neopets magazine. *cough* pure coincidence *cough*

When the Morph Boulder morphs into an Indestructible Boulder, it also morphs all the other boulders of the same color that are touching it. If you listen closely, you’ll hear a sound characteristic of the morphing sequence. You don’t want to know where we recorded the scream--I mean morph sound. If a gaggle of boulders just happen to morph, I have two suggestions for you. One, to turn on your speakers, and two, to restart your level. I wouldn’t try to destroy more than two of those. Every Indestructible Boulder created is a point lost. DON’T LOSE THOSE POINTS! Er... *clears throat* a gaming pro wouldn’t allow a hoard of boulders to morph.

The next boulder we should discuss is the Fire Boulder. Now, I usually wait until I am almost out of boulders to use the fire boulder. I’m not saying you should do that. Develop your own tactics, don’t listen to me. Go ahead and use your fire boulder to destroy an Indestructible Boulder. Really, just use the fire boulder frugally. Sloth put it there to tempt you. ;)

I will briefly mention the Multiple Boulder. I know that when you see it, your cursor is drawn to it, and you double click before you can blink. Now, trying not to do that *may* interfere with the brain washing process, but it really isn’t a good idea. What do you get, six points? Ha! I laugh at you. Try to assemble a patch of boulders before you exploit the magnificent Multiple Boulder.

Now, I only have two more types of special boulders to discuss. Let’s talk about the Fill Boulder; I demand it! Again, use it only when you’re nearly out of boulders. The Fill Boulder creates more possible moves, and helps you collect more points. I usually use the Fill and Fire boulders last.

The Overkill Boulder is a terrible, treacherous thing. The Indescribable Boulder may irk you, and the Multiple Boulder may deceive you, but nothing is trickier than the infamous Overkill Boulder. I’d have to say it’s Sloth’s greatest invention. Wait, I think I said that wrong... *looks around nervously* I hope Sloth doesn’t read this... *sees delete key* Nah... too easy.

Well, I suppose now you want me to tell you about the Overkill Boulder. Never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, ever use it, unless you’ve satisfied the following:

a) that there hardly any boulders of the color you want to destroy left.

b) all the boulders of the color of the Overkill Boulder are grouped together, or cannot ever be destroyed because there are not two or more grouped together, and you have used the Fill Boulder.

Now, fall on your knees and worship me! Wait, I guess you want me to explain why I told you to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, ever use the Overkill Boulder. The reasoning is simple; the overkill boulder does not give you any points over the value that is awarded by it being destroyed.

Example: If you click on two boulders, given that one of the two is the overkill boulder, it will give you two points. Two points, great, but look at all the other boulders that exploded! So devious... again, I firmly believe that only Dr. Sloth could come up with such a cruel deception.

Yes, Sloth owns the Destructomatch II game, but don’t expect to see adverts popping up all over your screen. That would interfere with the mind control mechanism. Er... player satisfaction. (Yeah, that’s it!) If you find yourself playing Destructomatch II for hours at a time, remember that you’re doing it for the fun of it... not because the game hypnotizes you.

Well, that concludes this article. Expect to see more of me. Commander Garoo will be coming out of hiding....

meanwhile....

Commander Garoo: Hi, Sloth.

Sloth: *is mildly irritated* What do you want?

Commander Garoo: The javascript said that I was 12 words short in my article.

Sloth: *starts shooting lasers at Commander Garoo* I will have none of this nonsense!

 
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