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The 10 Worst Holiday Gifts


by ngc_5128

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Also by hurricanegirlyeah

Every year every pet, and owner, runs into the same problem; what to do with those unwanted, unneeded, and just plain weird Christmas gifts you received from your mischievous sibling, distant second cousin, and your weird aunt. Sure, everyone gets socks, jumpers and shampoo under the tree, but this article will deal with the worst of the worst. I will also try and give you some helpful suggestions on what to do with your unwanted, unneeded and just plain weird gifts.

10. Dying House Plant

This is exactly the type of gift a distant relative sends you. A VERY distant relative, probably from another country or from another planet; after all, the plant was alive when it was wrapped up and mailed to you. While they probably meant well, they had no idea that it would take 9 weeks for your present to arrive at your door. Plants can make a nice gift, but not the dead ones, only the living ones. There are two things you can do with this gift: Write a thank you note and throw the plant away, or try and nurse it back to health. If you live in a sunny area, where the ground doesn't freeze in the winter, you can try planting it outside.

9. Tombstone

Here is a perfect example of a gift you would receive from that "weird" relative everyone has somewhere in their family tree. The gift giver probably had good intentions; after all, nothing says practical gift like a tombstone. When the day comes where you actually need to use one, they can get pretty expensive. See? That relative wasn't being creepy, they were thinking of your future. In reality, they were being creepy. Double creepy, in fact. There isn't much you can do with this gift except stash it in your attic, or maybe your closet, and try and forget about it. Just make sure you cover it with a sheet; you don't want to get scared the next time you look in your closet for something else.

8. Dung Biscuit Jar

If you are a Buzz, this gift is pretty nifty; after all, which Buzz doesn't appreciate a bit of dung? If you are not a Buzz, this is probably one of the worst gifts on record. There aren't many options with a Dung Biscuit Jar. You can hope that a visit to the Lab Ray turns you into a Buzz (and reverses your dislike for dung at the same time) or you can take a chance and re-gift this jar to one of your Buzz friends. "Accidentally" flushing it down the toilet should be a last resort.

7. Invisible Meekins

Meekins are absolutely adorable. The soft fluffy fur, the cute floppy ears, the constant ear splitting screams. Combine that with the inability to see your hungry screaming pet and you have a winning combination. A regular meekins is cute enough to overcome the shrieking, but the invisible variety is a little harder to handle. They are always underfoot or screaming in some remote corner of your Neohome and you can never find them. Your only hope is that someone else got you a petpet paint brush.

6. Glurp

Most people enjoy getting books as gifts. Even if a book is not very exciting or particularly good, it still takes space up on a shelf and makes you look smart. I am sure that Glurp (the story of an Aisha that can't stop drooling) is a very engrossing story, but you can never seem to get through the entire book. Once you open it for the first time, the book starts to drool uncontrollably. The pages get soaked and the text runs all over the place. The drool also tends to leak all over your table, bookshelf, or anywhere else you put it down. My advice is to read it as fast as possibly and stick it in the freezer as soon as the drool starts flowing.

5. Ugga Chair

Getting past the fact that there is no possible market for the ultra-uncomfortable Ugga Chair, this is just a bad gift, plain and simple. Well, it does have a nice colour, and would look great with the rest of the Tyrannian motif in your bedroom. You just need to take care to not sit in it. You can always drape a cloth over the spikes and let annoying relatives who overstay their welcome use it. It could also be useful for pesky door-to-door sales-pets who won't take no for an answer. Hey, maybe this isn't such a bad gift after all.

4. Stone Paddleball

Granted, your run of the mill paddleball is not all that exciting, but it is pretty good at whiling away those rainy afternoons when you are trapped inside the house. While regular paddleballs are boring, stone paddleballs are infinitely more boring. Have you ever tried bouncing one rock off of another? Imagine trying to do it over and over and you can see why this is not such a great gift idea. The worse thing is when the string breaks and the small rock goes through the window. Missing with the paddle to have the smaller rock smack you in the forehead is no picnic either.

3. Cosmic Broccoli

I can tell you exactly what your aunt said when she saw this at the shop. "Ohhh... I know little Timmy doesn't care for broccoli, but this is COSMIC broccoli!" Not even the nerdiest of nerd will appreciate this bastion of nutrition despite the fact that it comes from outer space, Broccolix VII to be exact. You can try hiding it in your napkin during super, or maybe even trading it to your vegetarian sister for that chocolate ghostkersword she got.

2. Pile of Dirt and/or Dirt Hole

There isn't much worse than a pile of dirt under the Christmas tree with your name on it, except maybe a dirt hole with your name on it. But, if you combine the two items, you can have the ultimate gift: a plot of earth! Okay, okay... I didn't think I could put a good spin on that either. Maybe you can hide some of your other unwanted, unneeded and just plain weird gifts in there.

1. Pant Devil Attractor

At long last, we have the ultimate in bad gifts. This is the sort of gift that is given exclusively by bratty, mischievous, insidious siblings. While no one is really quite sure whether or not the pant devil attractor really attracts a pant devil, you certainly don't want to be the person testing it out. Your only hope is is to hide it on the offending gift giver's person when they aren't looking.

 
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