The 10 Worst Holiday Gifts
Also by hurricanegirlyeah
Every year every pet, and owner, runs into the same problem; what to do with
those unwanted, unneeded, and just plain weird Christmas gifts you received
from your mischievous sibling, distant second cousin, and your weird aunt. Sure,
everyone gets socks, jumpers and shampoo under the tree, but this article will
deal with the worst of the worst. I will also try and give you some helpful
suggestions on what to do with your unwanted, unneeded and just plain weird
10. Dying House Plant
This is exactly the type of gift a distant relative sends you. A VERY distant
relative, probably from another country or from another planet; after all, the
plant was alive when it was wrapped up and mailed to you. While they probably
meant well, they had no idea that it would take 9 weeks for your present to
arrive at your door. Plants can make a nice gift, but not the dead ones, only
the living ones. There are two things you can do with this gift: Write a thank
you note and throw the plant away, or try and nurse it back to health. If you
live in a sunny area, where the ground doesn't freeze in the winter, you can
try planting it outside.
Here is a perfect example of a gift you would receive from that "weird" relative
everyone has somewhere in their family tree. The gift giver probably had good
intentions; after all, nothing says practical gift like a tombstone. When the
day comes where you actually need to use one, they can get pretty expensive.
See? That relative wasn't being creepy, they were thinking of your future. In
reality, they were being creepy. Double creepy, in fact. There isn't much you
can do with this gift except stash it in your attic, or maybe your closet, and
try and forget about it. Just make sure you cover it with a sheet; you don't
want to get scared the next time you look in your closet for something else.
8. Dung Biscuit Jar
If you are a Buzz, this gift is pretty nifty; after all, which Buzz doesn't
appreciate a bit of dung? If you are not a Buzz, this is probably one of the
worst gifts on record. There aren't many options with a Dung Biscuit Jar. You
can hope that a visit to the Lab Ray turns you into a Buzz (and reverses your
dislike for dung at the same time) or you can take a chance and re-gift this
jar to one of your Buzz friends. "Accidentally" flushing it down the toilet
should be a last resort.
7. Invisible Meekins
Meekins are absolutely adorable. The soft fluffy fur, the cute floppy ears,
the constant ear splitting screams. Combine that with the inability to see your
hungry screaming pet and you have a winning combination. A regular meekins is
cute enough to overcome the shrieking, but the invisible variety is a little
harder to handle. They are always underfoot or screaming in some remote corner
of your Neohome and you can never find them. Your only hope is that someone
else got you a petpet paint brush.
Most people enjoy getting books as gifts. Even if a book is not very exciting
or particularly good, it still takes space up on a shelf and makes you look
smart. I am sure that Glurp (the story of an Aisha that can't stop drooling)
is a very engrossing story, but you can never seem to get through the entire
book. Once you open it for the first time, the book starts to drool uncontrollably.
The pages get soaked and the text runs all over the place. The drool also tends
to leak all over your table, bookshelf, or anywhere else you put it down. My
advice is to read it as fast as possibly and stick it in the freezer as soon
as the drool starts flowing.
5. Ugga Chair
Getting past the fact that there is no possible market for the ultra-uncomfortable
Ugga Chair, this is just a bad gift, plain and simple. Well, it does have a
nice colour, and would look great with the rest of the Tyrannian motif in your
bedroom. You just need to take care to not sit in it. You can always drape a
cloth over the spikes and let annoying relatives who overstay their welcome
use it. It could also be useful for pesky door-to-door sales-pets who won't
take no for an answer. Hey, maybe this isn't such a bad gift after all.
4. Stone Paddleball
Granted, your run of the mill paddleball is not all that exciting, but it is
pretty good at whiling away those rainy afternoons when you are trapped inside
the house. While regular paddleballs are boring, stone paddleballs are infinitely
more boring. Have you ever tried bouncing one rock off of another? Imagine trying
to do it over and over and you can see why this is not such a great gift idea.
The worse thing is when the string breaks and the small rock goes through the
window. Missing with the paddle to have the smaller rock smack you in the forehead
is no picnic either.
3. Cosmic Broccoli
I can tell you exactly what your aunt said when she saw this at the shop. "Ohhh...
I know little Timmy doesn't care for broccoli, but this is COSMIC broccoli!"
Not even the nerdiest of nerd will appreciate this bastion of nutrition despite
the fact that it comes from outer space, Broccolix VII to be exact. You can
try hiding it in your napkin during super, or maybe even trading it to your
vegetarian sister for that chocolate ghostkersword she got.
2. Pile of Dirt and/or Dirt Hole
There isn't much worse than a pile of dirt under the Christmas tree with your
name on it, except maybe a dirt hole with your name on it. But, if you combine
the two items, you can have the ultimate gift: a plot of earth! Okay, okay...
I didn't think I could put a good spin on that either. Maybe you can hide some
of your other unwanted, unneeded and just plain weird gifts in there.
1. Pant Devil Attractor
At long last, we have the ultimate in bad gifts. This is the sort of gift that
is given exclusively by bratty, mischievous, insidious siblings. While no one
is really quite sure whether or not the pant devil attractor really attracts
a pant devil, you certainly don't want to be the person testing it out. Your
only hope is is to hide it on the offending gift giver's person when they aren't