When Gnomes Go Bad - A Guide
Dun dun dunnn. *thunder clap*
Watch out, watch out! The Gnomes are about!
Gnomes. They may look pretty and innocent but let me ask you this. That time your shoe went missing and the next day you mysteriously found it on your gnome's head, didn’t you ask yourself how it got there? Oh you did? Well, I can confirm it wasn’t a random piece of faerie toast. (Yes, I am well aware that faerie toast does not actually have arms.)
Have you ever wondered just what they’re thinking and maybe, just maybe, what they intend to do with your rubber duck? Well, they like to plot and scheme. That is their nature, but some gnomes, well, they turn bad. So very, very, bad. Ordinary gardeners may not stand a chance on their own but by reading my article you have made the right decision. I, dear reader, took the time to analyse their thoughts and nocturnal dealings with what I can only describe as a mutated Grundo. I have come to one conclusion. I am not alone in this. Maybe you have been watching your gnome acting more suspicious. Maybe he asked for a Delipicator for his birthday (yes, I am well aware gnomes can’t talk! Ever heard of telepathy? Oh, the wonders of gnomes). And you had to turn him down. This is cause for a very angry gnome. (Alas, I am not at liberty to say what this curious instrument is. It is for your own protection, my dear readers. A certain Dr. Sloth would find you.) Maybe, and this I have found comes up in many sad cases, your gnome was found guilty of ordering several thousand left socks, which vanished just as mysteriously as they turned up. This could mean your gnome is plotting, getting ever closer to one thing: Taking over the whole of Neopia. Be forewarned, however, that my guide does involve confiscating things from your gnome.
Listen to my advice before it is too late. If you take caution because of what I say, you may stop your gnome quickly. Before he and Doctor Sloth... But no. I have said too much. I must get on. Here are my steps. Please, dear reader, take heed. I am a fully qualified gnomitician. The fact that I am also trained in the art of juggling is no need for mass chaos.
1) Search your gnome's plant pot for a small paper card. He will be sure to have one, or if not, a business book. Just because your gnome cannot read or write doesn’t mean your gnome won’t own these. If you find one, confiscate it. Your gnome cannot get what he wants if he doesn’t have his contacts.
2) I’m sure you have heard the expression “Back to the Drawing Board”. Take away your gnome's Drawing Board. He cannot go back to it if he doesn’t have one.
3) Feed him organically grown vegetables and food free of artificial colours and ingredients. Remember, readers. A happy gnome is a well fed gnome.
4) Get your gnome the best counselor neopoints can buy. He will have a lot to talk about. Or he and his counselor could engage in a friendly staring contest. It’s all good, my dear readers. And remember: A happy gnome is a mentally stable shoe. I mean gnome. *cough*
5) Read to your gnome. That vacant expression is harbouring an exceptionally high IQ. He will love to hear new things. Like all about the Reign of Doctor Sloth. (*Muhawhaw-coughchokesplutter* I’m okay. I’m *cough* fine.)
6) If you ever find your gnome enrolled in “How to take over the world and still be a good gnome” classes, be suspicious; immediately take your gnome home and force feed him croissants. Just because... BECAUSE! Okay? ‘Kay.
7) Take away his spoons. He cannot make smoothies without his spoons. And this dear reader, could work to your advantage.
8) Take the time to talk things over with your gnome. Make him understand that it isn’t fair for you to keep buying him perfectly good cheese only to have him to throw it at people. Make him see that it just isn’t acceptable. That cheese was perfectly edible.
9) Force your gnome to read a book all about happy Neopets who dance around and burst into song every 4 minutes. This is a fate so terrible, so ghastly, I am shaking as I write these very words. This should, fingers crossed, shock your gnome into never trying to take over Neopia again. For who in their right minds would want to read the “Oh, We Are So Happy” book ten times? This shouldn’t make your gnome want to take over the world even more to ban the book. Oh no.
10) Cooking is known to be very therapeutic. How about you and your gnome get some bonding in and cook a nice pie? Please, dear readers, resist all temptation to make a “gnome surprise”. Gnomes don’t do well in pastry.
11) The word: “SQUUUE!” is the gnome battle cry. If you hear this, hide in your empty bath-tub because your gnome is fast approaching phase 3: “The Neocritter Plot” which is very far indeed. Work quickly, readers!
12) If your gnome mutters, “Brilliant. Brilllllliannnnnnnt,” then be afraid. Seriously. Just, be afraid. Lock the basement and run.
13) Oh and if the basement door jams, and I’m sure it won’t, just scream for the amusement of your gnome and then run.
Now I have covered what to do, I wish to cover the types of Gnomes you may come across. All of these I encountered as I was trying to find my shoe. Unfortunately, this occurs on the sad times a Gnome climbs up your Neohome wall, sneaks in through the window, and takes all left shoes he can carry. Or throw at people. Well, you didn’t honestly think it was raining shoes, did you? Anyway:
1) The “Cool” Gnome
This gnome wears only the best designer sunglasses. He’s so posh, dahling, *air kiss* and of course his plant pot isn’t the least bit “un-cool”.
Most commonly found: Buying Sunglasses
Lives in: His “crib”
2) The “Oh So Random” Gnome
This gnome likes cheese! To quote him: “I am like yes cheese! My hat is brick and blue sky yellow cheese hahah! Window window said the penguin. Ooh shiny.” I think he has a short attention span. However, I may be wrong. Of course.
Most commonly found: Eating Kreludor. *gasp*
Lives in: (He told me Sloth's office. I think this was a lie.)
3) The “Pie” Gnome
This gnome likes pie. Any kind of pie. He wants to be a PIE. He wants to eat PIE. May be facing extinction. If this type of gnome wants to be a pie and wants to eat pie, then if he eats himself, they must be dwindling in numbers. So sad. *sob*
Most commonly found: Hiding in your shoes.
Lives in: Your wardrobe *uh-oh*
4) The Invisible Gnome
This Gnome is unfortunately... wait for it... you’ll never guess... invisible! He likes to sneak in via open doors and windows and steal food items. Mainly your sister's CDs (yes, they’re edible!) or your brother's Babaa Baaaab. I know this because I have become so skilled in the art of gnome detecting that I have developed a sixth sense. I see gnomes! *cue the spooky music and lighting* So the next time you’re blamed, remember. It wasn’t you. It was the invisible gnome! Or a rogue flying meepit. DUCK! No silly. You just missed it.
This gnome is also the main cause for the headaches most people suffer: Unfortunately Gnomey likes to tap dance on people's heads.
Most Commonly Found: Hiding outside your window and of course learning the jig.
Lives in: Your teddy bear's picnic basket.
Thank you, dear readers, for taking the time to read through my gnome guide. I hope you can bring your gnome to a mentally stable frame of mind before it is too late for you and the whole of Neopia Central. Because seriously, who wants Neopia to be re-named Gnomitopia? Okay, so your gnome does. That’s enough reason to listen to me and make sure it never happens. And if that isn’t enough to convince you, what if I said that right now, your gnome is standing over you brandishing a chicken?
Credits: A big thanks to a few terrified Neopets that let me observe their dealings and that told me about their experiences. No names. My own dear gnome who came to me clutching his only possession: a half eaten hat and of course my invisible friend for all the help and support he has given me when the gnomes were scaring me so much I couldn’t sleep and when they were so nasty they turned to stealing my cheese.
I guarantee no gnomes were harmed in the making of this article.
And please remember: If you go down to Kreludor tonight you’re sure of a big surprise: Today’s the day the gnomes have their picnic. I know. I’m so shocked.
(“In no way are mutated grundos working for a Doctor Sloth. Doctor Sloth is not trying to raise a Gnome Army to take over Neopia and do his bidding. Doctor Sloth does not have an office in Kreludor and Kreludor is not made out of Vegan Cheese. The Kreludor Cheese Plot is not a big cover-up and neither Doctor Sloth or anyone else are covering this up. Doctor Sloth likes flowers and yellow and nice things. He doesn’t want to rule Neopia and I am not being paid to write this. Thank you”. – A ‘friendly’ message from Doctor Sloth's P.A.)
Sponsored by: We like the shoe song. Do you? (The people to ask about left shoes.)