Preparing Neopia for the Meepits Circulation: 132,843,682 Issue: 273 | 5th day of Sleeping, Y9
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The Annual Conference of Evil


by eriskigal

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“Welcome to the Annual Conference of Evil!” A sign hung above the door to Dr. Sloth’s Lair. I gathered my special quill and paper and boldly stepped inside, flashing my Neopian Times badge. They wouldn’t stop the press this year.

I know, I know, your first question is obviously, “Annual? But I’ve never heard of this conference!” I’ll be the first to admit it’s not a well advertised event. Why would the Neopia’s Greatest Villains want their conference interrupted by the arrival of heroes? And there’s the little fact that the past few years all agents of the press have been barred. But not this year. Things are going to change. But I digress. The article is not about my freedom of press, but the activities of Neopia’s most dangerous criminal masterminds.

Like all conferences, once inside I was given a name tag and handed a schedule. As I slapped the name tag on my shirt I looked at the schedule. It looked to be a full day. Luckily, there were breaks for lunch. I have never been so grateful that villains have to eat too. The first talk was at 7 am. Villains are early risers. They need to be in order to stay one step ahead of the competition. Or the heroes. The talk started in a few minutes. I found myself rushing down the hall to get to the room on time.

Surprisingly, villains are much like everyday people when they are left in a room, bored, waiting for the speeches to begin. I overheard many tantalizing snippets of information as I settled into my seat. Jhudora was talking quietly with other dark faeries. Dr. Sloth was sipping Neocola, surveying the room and looking smug. Balthazar was grumbling and shifting in his seat. Oh, there were many more recognizable faces, but it would take far too long to list them all. There were some faces I couldn’t quite make out; even their name tags were shadowed. Those villains haven’t been introduced yet. There were vacant seats too. Razul couldn’t make it this year, thanks to being heartily destroyed by Jazan. Some still couldn’t believe the loss. The Darkest Faerie wasn’t able to come either, though they did save her a place of honor beside Jhudora. And Vira was yet to be seen.

The lights dimmed. Everyone still standing took their seats. Dr. Sloth headed onto the makeshift stage. The Grundo technicians turned the lights on him, making my eyes see spots momentarily. Dr. Sloth always did have a dramatic flair. He began to talk.

“Welcome to my humble abode. I am so glad to see all of you this year. We have so much to talk about. I trust your trip here wasn’t too much of an inconvenience?” There were some chuckles at this. It was hard to find a shuttle to get to the Virtupets Space Station. In fact, Dr. Sloth had to send his personal fleet out to help transport everyone here. Which meant until the conference was over, we were pretty well trapped.

“Seriously, I’m glad to see so many old faces this year. It has been a hard year for some of us. And, of course, where would we be if we didn’t have some new faces too? I’d like to personally introduce our newest member, Games Master Aaa.” Aaa stood and mumbled a response before going back to playing games on his personal computer. Dr. Sloth didn’t seem to mind. But then again, he probably supplied the computer and got Aaa addicted in the first place. “Now, without further ado, I’d like to introduce the first speaker of the conference: Everyone please welcome Vira!”

I sat through Vira’s talk on the power of magic mirrors. It was very informative. I never knew there were so many different types. She wrapped up her speech by giving some great gift ideas. Give one of Vira’s magic mirrors to your enemy. Then watch from afar, with a different type of magical mirror, as they give into the power suggestion and start to believe they are ugly. It is a slow yet satisfying way to sap your enemy’s spirit. I noticed several dark faeries went to talk to her after the speech. I could tell she was going to get a lot of business this holiday. What better evil gift than that of utter demoralization.

After her speech there was a short break for refreshments. Some Neocola and whatever food Grundos had to spare. Then it was off to another room for the second talk. This one looked promising. Balthazar was going to talk about the best ways to capture faeries. For anyone who had wondered about his techniques, this was the talk for you. Of course, the faeries wouldn’t be attending.

In the past, Balthazar had done demonstrations, or so I heard. He had captured a dark faerie to show the others how it was done and refused to let her go, much to the concern of the other dark faeries in the room. So now whenever Balthazar was invited to do this little speech, the faeries held their own talk in a different room. No one ever knew what they were doing, but Dr. Sloth didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he personally went to make sure they were comfortable before returning to introduce Balthazar.

Overall, the speech was just what I expected. Balthazar uses special magical bottles. His traps are elaborate, if not downright devious. It was obvious Master Vex came up with some of the brilliant faerie catching devices. Balthazar did mention that he kept up a correspondence with him, though he didn’t mention how he knows Vex. Perhaps, while bored, Master Vex decided to make a faerie proof cell? All I know is that Master Vex probably would have loved to come, but sadly, he couldn’t leave the cells unguarded. Maybe Lord Kass will let him come next year? I’ll have to look into that next.

At the end of the talk Balthazar did something unusual. He called for Dr. Sloth to come up to the front of the room. Dr. Sloth didn’t look like he was expecting this, but he went with a smile. Balthazar doesn’t smile. But he looked happier. “I’d like to present you with a gift,” Balthazar said, “since it is the Month of Giving, and you are giving up your lair for our use.”

“Oh, really, it’s nothing. I don’t need a gift, I like hosting these things.” But we could all tell Dr. Sloth was as pleased as he was surprised at Balthazar. I looked around. Most of the villains weren’t surprised. It seems that they could be caring when it suited them. Or when good wasn’t watching.

Balthazar took out a strange contraption and ceremoniously handed it to Dr. Sloth. It was a black leaded bottle... A black leaded bottle hooked up to a hose and a bag with a pump... wait, is that a vacuum? “I made this to capture the space faerie. I know she is used to living in a vacuum.” A smattering of chuckles came from the people who got the joke. “And I know you have had some problems with her in the past. Perhaps this can be of use.”

Dr. Sloth was speechless. A tear glittered in one eye. Or perhaps it was just a trick of the light. I guess I never realized how much Balthazar appreciated being part of a group than wanted him. Or how much Dr. Sloth loved gifts. It was a touching scene. But, the conference had to go on, and lunch was next.

Lunch was an organized affair. We all had assigned seating and the food was served by Grundo workers. When the invitations had gone out originally, you had to select what you were having for lunch and dinner. For lunch you had either the option of eating Chicken Cordon Bleu, with a Spudnik on the side, followed by Spiced Apple Pie, or Beef Rouladen, with a Rockfruit on the side, followed by Metal Ice Cream Sundae. Everyone drank Neocola. For vegetarians or those on a diet, Cosmic Broccoli could be substituted for the chicken. No one went hungry.

After lunch there were more speeches. Captain Scarblade, arriving late and making quite an entrance, did a speech on the values of a good ship. Most of it was technical, such as where you should get the proper type of wood or metal used. Or what types of sails you should purchase. But the ending paragraph was truly amazing.

“There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can beat the power of a good ship. The better it is, the better your reputation; all in all, it’s a win-win situation. Just look at my lovely ship, the Revenge. It sails on and in the water. Just think! With the power of a ship like this, who would dare challenge me? I am said to rule the seas. Not just what is on the seas, but what is IN the seas as well. All because of my ship. Do yourselves a favor; take the time and the money to get a good ship. If you never have to use it, fine. At least you have it and you have the rumors about what it can do. But if you do have to use it... If you have to use it there is no better way to shock your enemies into losing the fight. Oh, and don’t forget, a little curse goes a long way.” Captain Scarblade’s eyes twinkled an eerie shade of red. Now I understand how he could be late. He used his special ship to sail here. Through the void of space. I guess the rumors that he doesn’t need to breathe are true. Creepy. No place is safe from that captain.

There was no short break between speeches like there was in the morning. Because Captain Scarblade was late, we had to scramble to get to the next room on time. There is nothing quite like a large group of villains running through the warehouse halls. I’m sure Dr. Sloth was amused. I was out of breath. I never realized how large Dr. Sloth’s Lair is. It is huge! I barely had enough time to get out my paper to write when the next speech began.

Jhudora flowed up onto the stage effortlessly. I thought I saw her wink to Dr. Sloth, but I could be mistaken. Her green nails clicked on the podium, calling the room to silence. She smiled and began her speech,

“As you know, while my reputation is one to be feared, no one knows why. No, I’m not here to give a talk on the power of reputation. Captain Scarblade would be better suited for that. No, I’m here to talk about the power of possibilities. The power of not doing anything. For it is the possibility of doing something terrible that keeps most people in check.

“I know this is hard to believe. Why, it sounds more like something a fluffy light faerie would talk about. Possibility? How can anyone truly believe that? Well, it works for me. And if that isn’t enough proof, allow me to explain. Say you were to steal a cookie from me. I see your looks. No, I don’t have any cookies, nor would you take them, but bear with me for a moment. Let’s say I see you taking the cookie. You notice me, but it is too late. You ate part of my cookie. It is in your hand. You know you are guilty. And what do I do? Nothing. I simply smile knowingly.

“I see you shaking your heads at me. How can any self-respecting evil villainess do nothing? It is easy. I’ll just watch you, smiling, as you slowly creepy away. You see, you already know that you are guilty. And you even think you should be punished. You also think that if you are punished, then you are forgiven and all is well again. But I never punish. So you never believe you are forgiven, and the guilt of what you did eats away at you. Isn’t that brilliant? And the best part is no one ever blames me, and I look good for doing nothing!

“Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Actively trying to take over Neopia is considered evil. Passively causing fear and mental anguish is, well, fine.” Oh, Jhudora knew her audience well. She baited them and then proved her point! She didn’t end there either. No, she went on to tell of other passive ways to undermine sanity. I could see other dark faeries taking notes. At the very end of her speech, Jhudora asked for donations of any spell or weapons not being used “to help one of my relatives.” No more was said, though it was hinted that the Darkest Faerie is somehow related to her. I shudder to think about those family reunions.

There was a brief snack after Jhudora’s speech. More Neocola and some strange looking Gloof Sticks. Most villains ended up taking a stick but not eating it. I didn’t blame them; they looked weird. The final talk was a mystery speaker, to be announced when we arrived. There was rampant speculation on who was going to talk. We were all wrong. The speaker was none other than the Pant Devil.

He whirled into the room and came to a sudden stop at the podium. He spoke surprisingly well. Most people were shocked. After all, we usually only hear his horrible cackle. The fiend. His speech, the final speech of the day, was on a subject near and dear to his heart: stealing. With great relish, the Pant Devil explained the best ways to steal from all. How to pick targets, making sure that there are very few items out so you have a better chance of successfully taking something good. How to avoid that hideous “I taunt the Pant Devil” avatar. The Pant Devil concluded with his usual rakish smile and his signature laugh.

Dr. Sloth smiled and took the podium. “Well, that wraps up the Annual Conference of Evil. I’d like to thank you all again for taking time out of your busy schedules to come here. Don’t forget to grab your complimentary ‘I love Sloth’ pins on the way out. Oh, and I look forward to seeing you next year! Remember we are voting on where to meet in a month. You should all receive the proper fliers. Call me if anything goes wrong, such as heroes destroying your home or raiding your stores of weapons. Speaking of raiding, where are those pins? Hey, where is my Neutralizing Ray?” A look of understanding slowly dawns on Dr. Sloth’s face.

“Pant Devil! I’m going to get you!” Dr. Sloth races from the room after the Pant Devil. Several other villains are noticing their empty pockets at this time and a large group tramples out in pursuit. So ends the exciting Annual Conference of Evil. I can’t wait to be invited next year. I hear that the Darkest Faerie might make that one.

 
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