I File for Irreconcilable Differences
FAERIELAND - Hello, all readers of the Neopian Times. I am Jhudora. I know you
all know me, oh, yes, you know all about me because of that snivelling little
brat, Illusen. Sorry. (Here I am trying to clear my name, and I rant about Illusen
like I'm really the horrible person she's made me out to be.)
Anyway, as you may have gathered from that last sentence, I am here to tell
you that everything you've heard is a lie. Yes, drop your Illusen-themed toys
now to listen in horror as I tell you the truth about your favourite little
She has lied about everything she'd passed to Queen Fyora, whom, may I add,
I am a great supporter of. She's the best Queen Faerieland has ever had. Yes,
so, lying. She claimed that I had planned to overthrow Fyora and put all Neopia
into a Dark Age, which is totally untrue. She says I have a grudge against all
other faeries. I am absolutely friendly to my neighbours and all those who happen
to come for a quest. Another lie: I do not give impossible quests, or give dark
artefacts for rewards! Those are dangerous; do you have any idea how bad that
would be? Maybe I give, as the top reward, a powerful staff that obliterates
all your enemies, but how is that different from selling the Rainbow Swirly
Thing in the Hidden Tower?
And I am most certainly not 10 000 years old. I have not a grey hair in sight!
And I do not dye it purple and green - that is all natural, thank you very much.
I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but I'm a great deal younger than Illusen,
I can say.
I keep blaming Illusen, and that is the one truth she's spilled to the world.
Yes, Illusen and I are bitter enemies. We hate each other. She may act like
she doesn't, in that entire better-than-thou glory stance she's taken as her
guard, but she may hate me more than I hate her. Okay, this is the true story
about what she did.
I was the top student, most popular faerie in high school, and Illusen (who
was already in college, mind you) came to talk to the students about the future.
I was not enjoying her speech, all about her and nothing about what we needed
to do. So I kind of cast a little spell. Just a little one, nothing big, to
make things interesting. All I did was momentarily make her seem, like, 10 000
years old. (Maybe that's why she said I was, later.) It was a joke! Everyone,
even the teachers, laughed. She flamed up. And cast a spell on me that turned
me into a duck for three weeks! My spell - one second. Hers - three weeks. See
the difference? I hardly did anything!
Then she started spreading rumours. I went to college, and all the teachers
thought I was a stupid delinquent. My false rep was everywhere. My life was
ruined, as it seemed. She had told everyone I'd flunked so many grades I was
ten years behind (which may seem bigger to you than it does to us)! She said
I lived to make fun of others, prank them, and I was prejudiced against all
other-element faeries. She twisted my life into something that was more like...
if you really want to know, hers. In elementary school, she was a diabolical
little troublemaker. I know you don't believe me. Come over someday, and I'll
show you the reports and pictures.
So I fought back, as anyone would. Illusen woke up one day to see her house
was on fire, all her plants dead. A simple illusion spell that had her crying
for days. She spelled a Kadoatie to follow me around all day, mewing and crying
and screaming like a devil. When I got annoyed and made it go poof!... I was
suddenly the bad faerie! I became Jhudora the cuteness hater.
Illusen moved to Meridell to escape Fyora's questioning eyes. You believed
that rubbish about moving for the peace and quiet? Bah Humbug.
Anyway, I moved away from the other faeries because they all looked at me like
something that was stuck to the bottom of their shoe. I was miserable. Then
I realized Illusen was giving out quests. And I recognized instantly what those
ingredients were for. The Everlasting Darkness Spell. As ominous as it sounds,
it really means that a dark cloud of evil will follow around someone for a few
days, casting the illusion of evil on anyone near. In short, it would make me
look like an evil jerk.
Notwithstanding, I was not fazed. I handed out my own quests, to brew the counter
spell. I worked much harder than she did to make my quests known, and yet she
gets all the business! What is that? More lies spread to ward off customers.
Have you seen the look on her face when she demands the items? That, I tell
you, is pure evil. She stands there, all superior, with that do-this-or-you're-a-moron
look. She looks down on the questers with disdain. They're just pets there to
serve her needs. And that clapping her hands together, smiling in joy thing
she does when you complete the quest? Have you ever seen such bad acting? If
I've ever brushed you off at the end of your quest, you have my sincere apologies.
I am always preoccupied and I have little time to socialize.
I apologize for the state of my cloud. Again, I am very preoccupied. Busy,
busy, busy. No time to clean up the green on the violet floors. The green mist
just kind of came. Is it wrong that those are my favourite colours? Green is
Illusen's favourite colour and you don't pounce on her with those comments:
"Green is acid and poison, and evil!" No, for her, green is the colour of nature.
Of healing, and growth, and purity of heart! Do you see why I hate her? She
gets everything she wants, and everything I ever wanted, too!
Now, she's tried repeatedly to spell me, and I've continually stopped her in
her tracks, and it goes on and on. She keeps serving the ball, and I always
send it back to her. But now, in this article, the ball is in my court and I
can finish the rally, and get a point. (So I like tennis. That won't become
the sport of evil, too, will it? Now do you see the folly of these things you've
accused me of?) So I ask of you - will you believe me? I'm on my knees here.
I'm not threatening you or anything, as Illusen would have you think. I'm just
asking. If you'll accept my story as true - which it is.
I can't make you think one way about me, but I can only tell my story, if you'll
listen with an open mind.
That was your mind closing, wasn't it?
I guess I couldn't do much more, so I'll leave you now. Look, I'm walking away
- staff not raised to threaten you - calm, not evil.
I'll have you know that, wherever you are, I am fully capable of blasting you
into a little smear on the floor.
Isn't it nice to hear the truth? Smile and nod, smile and nod. Do you believe
me now? Smile and nod. Do you now understand my quarrel with Illusen? Good.
And you're on my side now, aren't you? Thank you very much. Your life is now
back in your hands.