There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 135,120,757 Issue: 269 | 8th day of Celebrating, Y8
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Roo Island - Under Siege


by iamskot

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ROO ISLAND - As many of you may know, the fated day of the 29th of October heralded the arrival of a supreme race of sentient gummy dice within small, peaceful Roo Island. Even though this was openly declared in the news, it seems the vast majority of Neopians have simply turned a blind eye to Roo Island's plight in favour of mixing endless concoctions in the Haunted Woods, hoping to be the one who achieves fame and glory by curing the monstrous denizens of Neovia.

This was foolish. These dice are ruthless. Do you think they will stop at conquering Roo Island? My friends, when the 29th of October graced us with its malignant presence, we were in fact witnessing the rise of a new Neopian power. These dice are as bad as - if not worse than - Dr. Sloth himself. I decided to witness this terror firsthand and interview the wise king on the dramatic current events.

Even the short boat trip to Roo Island was foreboding. The skipper was constantly staring at the placid waters warily, his eyes peeled for signs of sudden attack. I asked him if this was completely necessary.

"Young'un, them dice kin float. This'll be the last trip ah make to that accursed place. Ah jus' hope you kin find a way back."

I told him I was experienced in the art of the pogo stick. He seemed satisfied.

On arrival to the king's quarters, I realised just how dire the situation was. Maps showing areas of conflict were strewn over tables, Blumaroos were running frantically along relaying important messages to commanders on the battlefield. Even more shocking were the clear remnants of gummy dice. There were dripping stains on the wall and carpet and the air smelt strongly of strawberry, blackcurrant and lemon. I spied King Roo at the end of the room, ushering captains towards him and angrily stabbing at a complex map of the island. The meeting was brief, and the captains soon charged off to fulfil whatever deed the king had given them. Finally, he turned to me.

Unfortunately, I was inspecting the ceiling tiles as I was planning on refurbishing my Neohome, so the grand effect he was casting was about as impressive as a chocolate oven. I looked round to see his slightly crestfallen expression.

"Everyone does that. I knew those ceiling tiles were too eye catching. Anyway, I heard a writer from the Neopian Times had come ashore, and instantly sent my guards out to fetch you. Sorry if they were slightly rough."

It was true. I didn't include that bit in this article because they said some mean things. They may make you blush. To be honest, the bludgeoning wasn't too bad, and they were civil enough to leave my feet untouched, so I decided to say nothing. King Roo sat at a desk completely covered by a grand ornate map, and one of his advisors offered me a seat.

"I brought you here because I fear you may be our only hope," the king muttered in sombre dejection. A warm flush filled my cheeks. I'd tried the whole saving Neopia thing before, and it hadn't gone exactly right.

"As you can see, Roo Island is under siege. Even though my most trusted warriors battle the gummy dice valiantly, I've already lost my most valuable captain."

I spluttered in shock. "It's that bad?"

"Yes. He went to the lavatory, and I fear he may have locked himself in and is trapped. It was disheartening for the troops."

I paused. The logical thing to do would just to unlock the door from the outside, but King Roo had probably thought about that and knew something I didn't. Maybe there was an evil pie guarding it or something.

"I think the only way I can get help is by making a direct plea to the Neopian Times, so millions of Neopians can read it," King Roo began, halfheartedly studying the map before him. "Everyone is so busy fighting off animated trees and dark shadows in the Haunted Woods that they've completely forgotten about our dire circumstances! Of course, this article you write will have to be good or else we'll be doomed for eternity."

Great. No pressure, then.

"I suppose you'd better tell me just how these dice managed to arrive here in the first place," I said, genuinely puzzled.

"Well," the king stammered. "We ordered a large shipment of gummy dice from the chocolate factory. We were incredibly pleased with ourselves, as we'd bought many for an incredibly low price. It was a cause for celebration and many Blumaroos took to the streets in merriment."

King Roo's eyes glistened with deep hurt. "But, you see... the dice turned against us. Before we knew what was happening, the merry go round was... overcome." Here he burst into a strangled sob.

I looked uncomfortably away. "Umm... your majesty, you haven't heard the particular rumour that the chocolate factory owner is... you know... evil?"

King Roo looked up in outrage. "He was very civil in the neomail he sent me! How dare you suggest such a thing!"

"Okaaaaay..." I murmured, and scribbled 'violent tendencies' in my notebook.

I decided to take a different approach. "Now, I'm sure many readers are wondering why your army simply can't eat the dice. Surely, if these things are mere lumps of concentrated sugar and pure evil, couldn't you just eat them?"

There was a sudden flurry of movement behind me.

"AHHHAVAMPIRESOMEONEHELPME!" I screamed.

As you may have guessed, the sudden arrival was none other than Count Von Roo, doing the typical vampire thing. Arriving suddenly behind Neopets and scaring the living daylights out of them.

"Ze problem, little vun, iz zat ze dice have so much sugar wiven zem zat zey rot teeth almost instantly. I have stronger teeth zan most of ze Neopets here, so I can dispose of ze dice quickly. 'Owever, I am not sure just how long I can continue zis."

I stared at his teeth. They weren't just yellow, they were glowing.

"Thank you, Mr Von Roo. I didn't realise you spoke like that," I stammered. Vampires are scary.

"Ve quiet, mortal. I have ze Neoflu."

In the blink of an eye, the count suddenly departed. I searched under the desk for him, but I had no luck. He was obviously really good at Kacheek Seek.

There was a sudden commotion from outside and as one, the King and his advisors turned towards the balcony in horror. Von Roo hurtled over the edge and onto the desk, stuck there rigidly by his sharp teeth. I suddenly saw a huge gelatinous mass flop over the edge of the balcony and wobble angrily towards us. It was clearly one of the dice.

The king turned towards me. "RUN, YOU FOOL! TELL NEOPIA OF OUR PLIGHT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!"

I turned back towards him. "Sorry, what was that? I was admiring the ceiling tiles again."

"JUST GO!" the king roared, then threw a chair at the attacking mass.

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By secretive means involving a pogo stick and a balloon, I managed to escape the decrepit shell of Roo Island. I am now going to send this to the editor, and hope that this article will be published. If it isn't, Roo Island will be destroyed and the dice will attack another Neopian tourist attraction.

No pressure, Mr. Editor.

 
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