Chet Flash wuz here Circulation: 135,120,757 Issue: 269 | 8th day of Celebrating, Y8
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Still Waiting For That Neomail Lost in Transit?


by itchyfan220

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Neither rain nor sleet nor virtual snow is supposed to stop Neomail deliveries, but what happens when the virtual postage starts disappearing? Do you really want to know? You get stuck waiting five weeks for a measly 100 NP paycheck! Where's all that postage going? The mystery revealed...

When the Neopian Times Staff commissioned me to write an article exposing the truth behind the disappearing stamp phenomenon, Hermie, the owner of the Neopian Post Office (henceforth referred to as the NPO), was not happy. He was worried that the NPO would lose business, but we promised him otherwise. His first comment addressing this issue was of an event that had happened only three hours prior to our interview. "It was horrible! I came home from my annual vacation to Terror Mountain, and my front door wouldn't budge. It was sealed shut with stamps. Since when do stamps stick better to metal than paper?! I also found this note on the door." He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me. It read: "STAMPS NEED NEW TEXTURE AND NEW FLAVOR! WE'RE ON STRIKE!" Hermie began to rant, "My stamp licking staff is on strike! I need a solution, pronto!" I could only acknowledge his difficulty until I began to delve deeper into the madness and the history...

Through the years, the NPO has had to get a new stamp licker every two weeks. This was primarily because the taste of the Neopian Stamps were so wretched and tough like sand paper that the employees would come down with a bad case of "Itchy Smooth Tongue." Many safety precautions have been made but as of yet none have been effective. In the past the NPO has issued many purchase orders to grant the stamp lickers relief, such as buying a Genuine Stamp Licker 5000 or countless pre-wet sponges, but these quick fixes actually caused the stamps to not stick! This created a problem so huge that no one thought it could get worse. Then one day, the Neopian Stamp Safety Regulations Committee (NSSRC) came to the NPO for a surprise safety regulations check. By the time the check was over, it was obvious to the NSSRC that the NPO had been taking shortcuts. And they knew exactly where those shortcuts had been taken, because none of the stamps were sticking! Big oops! To follow the lack of stamp lickers, because of the condition issues, the NPO had many unhappy customers. With misplaced postage or no postage at all, the flow of Neomail was beginning to slow drastically. The Tax Beast was also having a tissy fit (quite scary he was actually)! The taxes that were supposed to come from stamp sales were missing in action, getting the Neopian Central City Council (NCCC) involved! In the process of my investigations, I also found that Neopians who bought and licked their own stamps were dipping their stamps in Mystery Island prune juice on the off chance they might taste better. Rumors have also gotten around that Edna's mixtures included the NPO's stamps as an ingredient because they added the spunk, nasty smell, and magic to her spells.

At the NCCC meeting (which was closed to the press but I snuck into anyway) last Friday, after discussing Edna's use of the stamps the Head Elder said, "Well I don't think we can see any more weird occurrences for the use of stamps than that, but that's beside the point! We need to come up with an answer for this problem!" After a few hours, a brilliant but simple solution was brought before the NCCC. They all agreed that the stamps must have a new flavor, but which flavor? The Head Elder gave them a week to decide.

The next week I again snuck into the meeting and hijacked the list of test flavors. The results were very intriguing:

Blueberry Splurge: Failed. Neopian test subjects came down with a permanent blue tongue. Who would have known blueberries stained blue? The NSSRC wasn't happy.

Ochango (Clever way to say orange, cherry, and mango mixed together XD): Failed. The test subjects began buying the stamps as if they were food or candy. (Clearly not what they were for.)

Woodland Frost: Failed. The Neopians found the taste so refreshing they substituted the stamp flavor for water! The hospital was not happy when it began to fill up with our dehydrated test subjects.

Cedar Spike: Failed. We decided to take a different angle and went for stick texture. (Don't ask what we were thinking, it was late and we had drunk too much Neocola.) We gave it the flavor of wood with a rough surface. Bad Idea! We gave the test subjects splintered tongues!

Triple Chocolate Fudge: Failed. Everyone likes chocolate, right? Well, that's the problem. All the female owners got together and mobbed our supplies. They stole every single stamp! Before we even got them to out test subjects! And when we decided to not make our stamps again, they threatened us! We've spent the last week in hiding and barely made it here with our lives!

Neocola: Failed. We realized no Neopian really knew what Neocola tasted like because the cans have always been found empty although sealed (I smell a future investigation here!). So we just made up a bad symptom for this one. *insert bug here* (Just play along, we're not out of our minds. Really!)

Sour Lemon: Failed. Just didn't pass the safety test! When licking, 8 out of 10 Neopians would get bitten tongue injuries (half of which were almost fatal).

Ice Cream Mash: Failed. Our closest attempt to success. The reason for failure was because every Neopian who tried it thought it so wonderful that they had to lick it twice! Which of course made the stamps not stick. This taste defeated the whole purpose of our experiment, so Ice Cream flavor is just no good!

After the NCCC argued for four hours, they arrived at a conclusion to fix both issues of stick and the licker's condition. The stamps must have NO flavor except for the flavor tasteless! As in flavored tasteless nothingness! Blank! Not even a flavor of the nasty stick from the old stamps! The first step to this change will start tomorrow. All stamps must be returned to the NPO to be donated to Edna's Stews and Brews business. But don't worry, in the exchange you will receive the same amount that you gave but in the new tasteless product.

Hmmm... How do we really implement this? Well, that's an excellent question... Umm... It's Neopets! It should be possible! Shouldn't it?

This article written with the permission of the NPO, NSSRC, and the NCCC.

 
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