Dear Crabby: Bring On the Happy!
Well, readers, I'm back in all my crabby glory! Or not. You see, my last article
was so popular that even some psychiatrists took notice and wrote in. However,
they didn't send in their advice questions. They sent a prescription. It seems
that my crabbiness isn't just my name, it's a disorder. So those friendly psychiatrists
prescribed me some happiness pills! Isn't that great? I feel so happy now! In
fact, I feel that my column is heading in a new direction: towards happiness!
No more crabby responses that don't actually help. From now on, I'm going to
be as helpful as possible!
The doctor that filled my prescription warned me about some side-effects, though,
and I figured I'd warn my faithful readers as well. I guess the happiness can
wear off at random times throughout the day, and my daily activities could reflect
this sudden reversion to crabbiness. So be warned, readers! The crabbiness isn't
completely gone! Argh! I can't stand this stupid happiness, but if I don't
take the pills, my column will be canceled! Help me readers! If you're reading
this, save me from the pills!
Ahem. Sorry about that. One of those relapses, you know. On to the advice!
I bought stocks several years ago and have grown rather attached to them; they
are my friends. However, recently the worth of them has increased dramatically.
Now I'm wondering whether or not I should get rid of my friends to make a buck.
-Stocks Are Friends, Not Food (Or Money)
My crabby self would tell you to sell them, as there's no true friend in this
world but money. But now I can tell you my true feelings! I want you to keep
those stocks, and never sell them! Those sheets of paper are too important to
be sold, and you should reflect that. Maybe paint the deeds with a bright myriad
of colors? That'd totally show that you guys were best friends!
This is sickening. I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Sell those
stocks, I say! Do it!
I was a Lupe until about 4 days ago, when I got transformed into a Shadow Chia
through a morphing potion my owner bought. This is really good and all, since
I look pretty cool but... my natural Lupe instincts tell me to eat myself. Please
help me because it's hard to write while biting my wrist.
-Hungry in Haunted Woods
You poor dear! What a terrible predicament you're in. I would suggest buying
some Chia Snacks to eat. Sure, it'll look weird when you're buying them, but
it's for your own good. I hope you can adjust to this terrible change in your
I'm seriously laughing my head off right now. That's the funniest thing
I've heard all week. Too bad for you.
Don't tell anyone, but I'm a Feepit working undercover for the PPL to test
out owners. My owner is the laziest, meanest, and most dim-witted Kacheek in
the world! I mean, I live in a house outside, attached to a five foot chain!
I need help escaping, but I'm never let out, and the 'house' doesn't even have
a good roof. Hopefully when I send this my owner doesn't read the mail. Or else
I'll be dressed up in pink bows.
-A Feepit in Distress
Oh dear. You need to get some help. Have you tried talking to your owner? Try
writing him a long, thoughtful letter that shows your opinion on the matter.
He'll definitely come around if he knows what you're thinking. I do hope your
living quarters improve!
Who am I kidding? That'd only worsen the problem! I swear, this happy side
of me must be as dumb as they come. Write him a letter?! Don't do it! You have
no chances of getting a better life, so you might as well give up now. Sorry.
I am a baby Kougra. Now, ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem, but no one
takes me seriously! People don't ever talk to me like I'm a grown-up, although
I'm older than my two sisters. And they give me baby toys, baby food (yuck!)
and unwanted attention! And don't even get me started on the personal bubble
invasion of diaper changing. What can I do about my terrible situation?
Aw, ickle babykins is so cyoot! Why would you want to grow up? You're too cyoot
to grow up! Don't do it! Stay a baby forever!
Did I really just write that? I feel sick...
I have three sisters and a female owner. Every now and then I get this weird
urge to wear make up or play with Usukis. Is this normal?
-Girly Boy Grundo
Sure, Usukis and makeup are fine! Who says only girls can do that stuff? I
would suggest Fire Truck Red lipstick, it goes great with anything you wear!
Coral Pink accentuates your lips without being over the top, but my personal
favorite would have to be Fuchsia. It is simply a great color!
I'm literally crying right now. How do I know all of this stuff? Oh, and
dude: get a male friend. He'll do wonders for your manliness. You need it.
My Gelert has a problem with practical jokes. What can I do to stop him from
being so serious?
-An Owner with 3 Playful Pets, and one Not-So-Playful Pet
Practical jokes are not funny. I myself have had many jokes played at my expense,
and it is not fun. People just don't understand that jokes hurt, ok? Don't do
Wow, my happy self is being serious? Weeeird... anyways, Owner, here is
my real advice: play as many jokes on the Gelert as you can. No holds
barred. Not only will it loosen him up at least a little, but it'll be incredibly
What's your favorite color?
-Pointless Question Lover
What a perfectly wonderful question to ask me! I'd have to say my favorite
color is mauve, followed by sky blue, then perhaps periwinkle, and any color
And just so you know, there's no such thing as a pointless question! All questions
Pink?! Disregard anything this imposter says, please. Black is the best color.
And not only was your question pointless, but you are pointless.
I am trying out for Yooyuball in my school and thankfully I made it. Every
time I practice my team never passes me the ball. Either that or they like to
chuck it me real hard so I see novas dancing in a circle. What do I do?
Aw, that's terrible! I'm so sorry for you! Perhaps try talking to them? Or
better yet, talk to the Yooyus. If they know the problem, they'll probably try
to avoid you, don't you think? Hopefully that helps! *hugs*
Okay, now I'm just going to ignore myself. My real advice: throw it right
back at them harder. Didn't you know violence is the only solution to problems
Ugh. I have never felt sicker. I'm never taking another one of these pills,
ever. In fact, I've fed the rest of them to my brother, Mopey (Once again, I
didn't choose our names). He's a Grey Krawk, and I cannot tell you how funny
it is to see a Grey Neopet singing and dancing giddily. It is truly a sight
Before I sign off, I'd like to take the time to write a short note back to
My name is Crabby. I am a Mutant Lenny. My personality fits with my name, ok?
So don't go running around thinking you can change things, thinking it's what
the patients want. First of all, I'M NOT YOUR PATIENT! Second of all, maybe
I like being crabby. It's the persona, you know? It fits me, I fit it. Finally,
I'd like to see your papers certifying that you guys are doctors. What you did
to me was cruel, and scary, and it made me cry. Please, please, PLEASE don't
ever give those pills to another being (besides my brother).
Your unhappy (and proud of it) patient,
If you have a question for me, Crabby, send a neomail to dan4884. It may get
answered in an upcoming Dear Crabby article. Please note that not all questions
will be used and your username will not be credited.
'Til next time, readers. I've got to lie down for a bit...