Bonju Vs. Jhuidah
Greetings, people who decided to read this article! I also extend the same warm
greeting to the confused people who clicked the wrong button and ended up here.
You have no choice now but to read this, so I pity you greatly.
Now, if you've been keeping up to date with the news, you will notice that
a certain ship called the Cyodrake's Gaze has been sailing around Neopia, arriving
in ridiculous places and causing mass hysteria. If you didn't know this, you've
obviously been living under a rock for the last month. The Cyodrake's Gaze was,
and still is, a major point of conversation throughout Neopia. Even the avatar
collectors became interested when a chef Bonju avatar was released, which is
obviously a figment of all of our imaginations, as it is clearly non-existent.
Chef Bonju insists that his so-called 'Cooking Vessel' is unique, and he is
pure genius. On the same grounds, I insist that bow ties are unique and I am
a genius for inventing them. As we all know, Chef Bonju is horribly wrong. A
similar contraption exists on Mystery Island, guarded by an infamous island
faerie called Jhuidah.
So, who really has the right to use such a potent magical object? Who here
is the underachieving copycat?
With careful analysis, I have created an extensive profile of both of the individuals
and the claims they have to the magical cooking pots and vessels they let the
Neopian public use frequently.
Chef Bonju: This master of cuisine has shown he is fearless when trouble comes
around. He lives on a ship that braves the fiercest storms and can fly to the
highest points. He's not exactly a knight in shining armour, but I bet if you
gave him the right motivation, he'd rescue a damsel in distress if they asked
Jhuidah: Mystery Island is fraught with danger. Not only are the natives more
primitive than me when I've woken up, it is also the home of Gadgadsgame, a
game in which giant fruit falls from the sky.
Both of these entrepreneurs score a mighty 10/10. Life isn't easy if you're
a powerful chef in charge of magical pots.
2) Fear Value.
Chef Bonju: This angry Blumaroo scores high in this area. Not only does have
a broad selection of meat cleavers to choose from, he also has a habit of throwing
fellow crew members overboard into the raging sea if they insult his cooking.
Jhuidah: Unfortunately, this happy faerie doesn't have the same kind of manic
overbearing persuasion Bonju does when it comes to scaring honest Neopians.
All she has is a giant ladle! However, in hindsight, she does state that she
can easily invoke the wrath of a god or two. You may want to watch out for this,
but Bonju beats her hands down.
Bonju scores a formidable 8, whilst Jhuidah has to settle for a meek 5.
3) Comedy Value.
Chef Bonju: Never before have we met such a surly Blumaroo! At least Commander
Garoo wanted world domination! This Blumaroo just likes to be spiteful and cruel.
He probably spends most of his time complaining about his lack of suitable meat
cleavers and annoying crewmates to vengefully attack. However, it is funny when
you blow his cooking vessel up in his face.
Jhuidah: This is the kind of Faerie who would happily exchange jokes with you,
and is even kind enough to be polite when you anger her gods. She probably meets
up often with the Soup Faerie to talk about helping the poor and needy, and
may one day star in a Neopian sitcom.
Bonju gets a pathetic 2, whilst Jhuidah scores a high-ranking 7. Round 4 begins!
4) Cooking Prowess.
Chef Bonju: Despite the fact that he's a chef, this poor Blumaroo simply cannot
cook. As I have mentioned before, his terrible cooking resulted in a chain of
events that ended up with an Aisha with a cool hat ending up in the sea. Bonju
needs to rethink his career options.
Jhuidah: We don't know if she cooks things, but she does carry a ladle! As
I haven't heard anyone complain about her ladle skills, we can only come to
the conclusion that she actually can cook.
My verdict is that Bonju should score a fat 0, whilst Jhuidah can be happy
with her above-average 6.
5) Dress Sense
Chef Bonju: This category puts Bonju back into the competition. He is dressed
in a full chef's outfit, which is probably ironed, and so fall of starch it
could stand up tall without anyone actually wearing it. Bonju has the ultimate
suit in the whole of Neopia, and you have to respect something like that. Don't
even get me started on his hat.
Jhuidah: She's wearing some coconuts, a flower and a grass skirt. Not only
does this make her look shabby, it must also be a nightmare in the dry cleaners.
This suit is hardly impressive, as all it does is show off her tan.
Bonju scores a huge 10, whilst Jhuidah ends up with a rubbish 3. Maybe she
should buy a tie, or something.
6) Magical Pot/Vessel Age:
Chef Bonju: Ouch. Only owning his vessel for a month and a bit, he is overshadowed
greatly by the mysterious island faerie. This chef needs to build a time machine,
so he can slingshot into the future and impress Neopians, because at this moment
in time he's simply not cutting it.
Jhuidah: Her pot is so old it's probably developing wrinkles.
Bonju sinks down to a miniscule 2, whilst Jhuidah can stand high with a triumphant
7) The Winner Of An Apocalyptic Battle.
Chef Bonju: If Bonju was pitted against Jhuidah, we can only speculate what
would happen. My guess is that his uncontrollable rage would aid him greatly,
and his supply of meat cleavers are an arsenal that could make even the bravest
run screaming away. Whilst not being the brightest spark, the formidable chef
would prove to be a difficult opponent to overcome.
Jhuidah: Armed with only a ladle and some big bushy hair, the poor faerie would
have to rely on the powers of her mythical god. Bonju would have trouble chopping
up a god unless it was a giant carrot, so he would easily lose. But if the gods
do not favour Jhuidah, she will be at the Blumaroo's mercy.
As this is speculation, Bonju scores a 7, whilst Jhuidah scores a 5.
Now, if you add all these numbers together, you get a high number. The maximum
score is 70, whilst the lowest score is 0. This is fairly obvious, but I'm an
adept at stating the obvious, and can't help off flaunting my skills. With the
aid of my brain and a very large calculator, the results show that Jhuidah is
the winner of this tough competition, scoring a high 46. Bonju will have to
settle for second place with 39 points, and should take up a form of origami
to ease his sorrows.
Obviously, Bonju will never give up his cooking vessel, but we can tease him
about it, which sounds fun!
Note: The author takes no responsibility for any of the following- Maiming,
grievous bodily harm, large bumps on the head, internal wounds, gouging, deep
emotional trauma and bludgeoning.