Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 128,277,782 Issue: 261 | 13th day of Collecting, Y8
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Some Kind of Sandwich?


by ishmalian42

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...Wow, that was pretty humiliating. What in Neopia was I thinking? I definitely messed up big that time, but at least people will forget about it... hopefully. Shoot. Ok, you're probably wondering what I'm talking about, huh? It all began a couple months ago...

      I was bored. Very bored. Lock-me-in-a-room-with-the-Snowager bored. I'm not sure if that made sense. Oh well, who cares. I was idly flipping through the Neopian Times, just to see if there was anything in there that was, well, interesting. Not much caught my eye. I began by reading the editorial. Not much going on in there at all. I kept flipping. There were just some really insane stories and comics, written by some close friends of mine. Pretending that I had no clue who these people were, I turned to the advertisements. Most of one page was taken up by just one ad. Curious, I read it.

     Coming to Meridell in the near or distant future? Come see the newest sensation that's gripping the dung heap... Turmac Roll!

     ...What was Turmac Roll?

     Needless to say, I found myself a couple days later in Meridell, trying my hardest not to be smushed beneath some giant monster thing and rolling cheese. What an extremely odd place. Besides the extreme weirdness, it seemed like a pretty cool place. I wouldn't want to live there or anything, but it was cool. There was just one problem... where was Turmac Roll? True, I had no clue what it was, so it didn't bother me too much, but still. After I came all this way, I wanted to at least see it. I took my time searching. I kissed some Mortogs, had some Ixi make my brain hurt, and narrowly avoided being kicked out of the place by some fat dude on a throne. That dude had some anger issues or something. He completely flipped out at me because he didn't like my joke. What a loser. I kept up the search. There was no sign that said "Turmac Roll!" or anything like that. I went up to some green-clad girl with wings to ask for directions, but she just threw dirt clumps at me. Not very nice. Does everyone in Meridell have temper problems? I was just trying to find my way. Actually starting to panic now, I quickened my pace. I only had a limited amount of time here, and I needed to see what Turmac Roll was. Was it some kind of sandwich, perhaps? I decided to check the food court, if that's what they call it over there. Potato. Raw potato. Potato with gravy. Mouldy potato. I asked the shopkeeper if he had something that wasn't somehow related to a potato, and he laughed at me. Stupid, no-good, potato-loving peasant. I asked him if he knew where I could get a Turmac Roll, and he started laughing so hard he cried. Muttering under my breath, I left his store, stealing a couple of potatoes. You can't blame me for that; he was being mean and I was hungry.

     Later that day I finally found my destination. Man, was I disappointed. It wasn't a sandwich at all. It was some weird tumble thing involving berries. I decided to stand around and watch for a tiny bit, just to see if there was anything else to this 'game'. Well, I became hooked. There's just something about rolling off really high, dangerous jumps while scrunched up that appealed to me. It's a pity I wasn't a Turmac. I kept watching. I got an idea.

     Yep. Later that day I found myself rolling down a hill like a Turmac. It really hurt. I don't know how those things do it. There were sharp, pointy rocks decorating the course. In search of a less painful place to practice, I walked past another Ixi, this one selling petpets. Curious to see if they had a Turmac that would help me with my rolling, I went and looked. Sure enough, I saw a Turmac sitting on the shelf, but some little dude came up, snarled at me, and ran away with it. Wondering what kind of person snarls, I looked to see if there was another. There wasn't. All there was left was some sort of miniature steed. The shopkeeper said it was called a Whinny. I bought it.

     Turns out that Whinnys don't know the first thing about rolling down a hill and collecting berries. Oh well, at least we were on the same page. I decided to start my training without using the jumps. I needed to master rolling first. I attempted some somersaults, and I didn't do too badly. I couldn't imagine doing them nonstop while flying up into the air on occasion, though. My Whinny (I cleverly named him Whin) watched me for a bit before joining in. He mastered somersaults pretty quick, and was eventually able to roll fluently. I returned him to the shop. I didn't need some Whinny doing better than me. At this point in my training, I was pretty discouraged. I needed to take my mind off of things, so I began to work on the second part of my Turmac Roll quest.

      I made a costume in the shape of a Turmac, though bigger. All day long I labored away, trying to recreate a Turmac exactly. In the end I forgot one eye and a foot, but hopefully no one noticed. It was quite snug and comfy inside, and it protected me from nasty bumps in the ground. Better yet, when people saw me in this costume while I was training, they would come over to me and support me and my goal. At least, I think that's what that pointing and laughing was about. Ok, so I might have looked a little ridiculous, doing somersaults in a Turmac suit, but it's not like it's the craziest thing anyone's ever seen.

      I found out a couple days later that there was going to be a tournament later that week. I instantly signed up. This was my one shot at fame, and I needed to take it! Plus, I had gotten a lot better at rolling, though I still hadn't attempted any jumps yet. I decided that now was the time to do that. I climbed up to the top of the biggest hill I could find, and got into position. A crowd of people came to watch me. Some people were wishing me luck, others were simply laughing. Before I knew it, I was tearing downwards, rolling like a maniac. I was pretty good though. I didn't lose my balance; I didn't crash into anything. I could hear the crowd applauding on the hilltop above. Up ahead I could see the jump. I hit it at full speed.

     "I'm flyyyying!" I screamed, and crashed down to the world below.

      I woke up a couple days later in the hospital. I never did make it to the tournament. Shucks. To add insult to injury, I read in the Times a little later that a Whinny, cleverly named Whin, had won.

      Luckily, he was disqualified when it was brilliantly discovered that he wasn't a Turmac. He should have made a costume.

The End

 
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