Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 110,063,438 Issue: 169 | 10th day of Celebrating, Y6
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50 Uses For A Copy Of The Neopian Times

by kougra_cool167


DEEP CATACOMBS - I bet every week you wait outside the news stand to get your hands (or paws) on a copy of the Neopian Times. You read it. Now what? What can you do with it after you have read it? Do you really want to know? You have come to the right article! Here you will hear the opinions of a user, three Kougras and a Pteri on what to do with your copy of the Neopian Times.

stripz38: SQUAWK!

(By the way, dusty_rusty_3211 requests that you read this article after you read everything else in the NT, because you won’t be reading the rest of it after use #18, that’s for sure.)

1. Eat it. I hear that Issue #150 was quite tasty, although this did come from a deranged blue Pteri.

stripz38: SQUAWK!

2. Scrunch it up and throw it at the head of a celebrity you really despise. I, personally, chose Edna. *throws scrunched up NT at Edna’s head*

Edna: WHA?!!? Where did this piece of rubbish come from? I’m being attacked by the psychotic Nimmos the Island Mystic warned me about!!! *hides in cauldron*

3. Photocopy tons of copies and sell them to your friends for 1000 NP each (I don’t think you will get many buyers, however).

4. Throw is into someone else’s rubbish bin so everyone will laugh at the *cough* loser *cough* who threw out a copy of the NT.

5. Make it the 675368396th copy in your award-winning collection of NT’s

6. kougra_cool167: *eyes magic_snowy_2001 suspiciously* Are you sure there are already 675368395 editions of the NT?

magic_snowy_2001: *shrugs*

7. Wallpaper your Neohome.

8. R_plac_ th_ _‘s that hav_ b__n d_lib_rat_ly l_ft out of this s_nt_nc_.

9. kougra_cool167: RUSTY! I thought I told you not to put in strange-and-annoying-statements-that-were-added-just-to-confuse-everyone-reading-this-article!

dusty_rusty_3211: But th_ k_y brok_.

kougra_cool167: It worked for me.

dusty_rusty_3211: Fixed it!

kougra_cool167: *sigh*

10. Make a papier Mache model of my master Sloth and sit it in the middle of the marketplace.*

Sloth: Mmmph! Mmmmmm mmmmph!

tikitaki454: Ummm... Aren’t you supposed to pop the balloon inside after you finish the model?


11. @!$@$$Hfgre9yt0nv505&^*B%^b6b5^&

kougra_cool167: RUSTY!!!!!!! Stop it!

dusty_rusty_3211: But...

kougra_cool167: But nothing! We’ve already wasted 366 words because of your immatureness.

Dusty_rusty_3211: Sorry...

12. Read every article again so many times that you remember every word off by heart and can use your new found “ability” to annoy all your friends.

13. Make an umbrella out of it.

stripz38: *comes walking (because he can’t fly yet) into the room soaking wet holding a soggy NT umbrella*

14. Make a paper hat.

15. Make a paper crane and run around yelling, “My crane is sooooooo much better than your hat!!!”

16. Roll it up and smack anyone else who says, “My crane is sooooooo much better than your hat!!!” because everyone knows that you can’t make a crane with a rectangular piece of paper.

17. Roll it up and smack anyone else who smacks people who yell, “My crane is sooooooo much better than your hat!!!” because everyone knows that cranes don’t exist in Neopia.

18. Rip it into shreds and feed it to the Uber-Spiffeh Muffin that lives in your backyard.

19. magic_snowy_2001: I didn’t know there was such thing as an Uber-Spiffeh Muffin.

Dusty_rusty_3211: There isn’t. But we have to think of something if we’re going to reach the minimum word count.**

Magic_snowy_2001: Good point.

20. Laugh in hysterics while reading the comics until everyone stares at you.

21. Think of a good excuse to stop everyone staring at you.

22. Send lots of spam neomails to everyone in the NT who mentions Jelly... er.... I mean... Mystery Island :)

tikitaki454: Don’t be silly! Everyone knows that Mystery Island doesn’t exist!

23. Dusty_rusty_3211: *looks up at word count toolbar* Look! We already have 635 words!

kougra_cool167: KEEP TYPING!!!

dusty_rusty_3211: Okay, okay.

24. Eat it. (Okay, I know I’ve already said this but they’re just so tasty. *munch*)

25. Cut out any petpet picture and try to feed it to Turmaculus.

Magic_snowy_2001: *easing a paper Slorg into Turmy’s mouth* Here, Turmy, yummy yummy foody foody!

26. Looked stunned for 10 minutes because you have survived all the way up to #26.

27. Go through and replace all the author’s names with yours.

28. Run away from the Chia Police as they try to freeze your account for plagiarism.

29. kougra_cool167: Half of these things have nothing to do with the NT!

dusty_rusty_3211: This one doesn’t either.

kougra_cool167: *face turns red* Just.... get to work.

Dusty_rusty_3211: *smirk*

30. Give it to the Library Faerie to solve the crossword and then realise that the NT has no crossword.

31. Whiteout all the #32’s in lists such as this.


33. Read each article thoroughly and grade them.

kougra_cool167: *raises eyebrow* Grade the articles?

dusty_rusty_3211: I’d like to see you think of anything better!

kougra_cool167: Okay, I will.

34. Roll it up and smack Rusty in the head with it.

kougra_cool167: *rolls NT up and smacks dusty_rusty_3211 in the head with it*

dusty_rusty_3211: *faints*

kougra_cool167: Ah-hah! Now I’M in control!

35. Magic_snowy_2001: Hey! We have 853 words now!

kougra_cool167: You’re just as bad as your brother!

36. Magic_snowy_2001: 866...

kougra_cool167: Do you want this article to be accepted or not?

37. Play “Who Can Rip The NT Into The Longest Strip”. Do I really need to explain?

38. Play “Who Can Rip The NT Into The Most Pieces”. I don’t think I really need to explain this one either.

39. Play “Who Can Hit The Most People Who Play One Of The Games In #37 And #38”.

tikitaki454: And I thought YOU were telling HIM off for typing strange-and-annoying-statements-that-were-added-just-to-confuse-everyone-reading-this-article!

40. Grab your paints and give your NT a makeover.

41. Pin it up to a tree so everyone can marvel your work of art.

42. Cut out each panel of a certain comic and rearrange them to make an even funnier one.

43. Draw silly faces on all the Neopets in the background picture.

tikitaki454: Now you’re just being silly!

kougra_cool167: Got any better ideas?

magic_snowy_2001: Hey! We just passed the minimum word count!

44. Roll it up and smack Snowy in the head with it.

kougra_cool167: *rolls NT up and smacks magic_snowy_2001 in the head with it*

magic_snowy_2001: *faints*

tikitaki454: This article is very violent, isn’t it?

kougra_cool167: They started it.

45. Use it as a toilet space for your new petpet.

tikitaki454: *places Gruslen on top of NT*

kougra_cool167: Hey where’d you get that? I didn’t buy a Gruslen.

tikitaki454: I found it in Stripz’s room.

*faint whimpering noise coming from Stripz’s room*

kougra_cool167: Uh oh. *walks into Stripz’s room and sees the room full of petpets*

stripz38: SQUAWK!

*all the petpets start crawling up Kougra’s legs and in a matter of seconds she is covered by petpets. Suddenly her mind goes blank. She wakes up at the table with an unfinished NT article in front of her*

kougra_cool167: *panting* That was weird.

46. Turn to the Editorial and write all your made-up questions and answers.

tikitaki454: *scribbling on Editorial* Yes, Sloth DOES wear ladies’ underwear...

47. Use it as fertiliser for your crop of Neggs.

48. Use it as fertiliser for something else if you don’t have a crop of Neggs.

49. Colour all the Weewoos pink using permanent markers.

tikitaki454: What about green?

kougra_cool167: Yep, green is good too.

50. Cut out this article and stick it on the wall so everyone will remember the day that my first article made it into the Neopian Times!!! Yay!

There you have it. Delirium really is contagious. You just heard it from three Kougras (two of which are unconscious), a mentally disturbed Pteri and an even more mentally disturbed user.

* Sloth is not really my master. Hannah is. *bows down to Hannah*

** Uber-Spiffeh Muffins really DO exist. Just ask my friend, the Uber-Spiffeh Turtle.

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