The Tax Beast Truth
The Tax Beast - what do we really know about him? Where does he live? What is
he? Why does he- for lack of better word- tax? What is his real name? When I thought
of this story I began research the next day. The first place I looked was the
Neopedia; there wasn't an article about him there.
The next place I turned to was the Gallery of Evil.
This evil little imp seems to think that he is owed a portion of your money.
In fact, when he arrives demanding his fair share, with his teeth bared and
his claws drawn, most people usually just give him what he wants!
Keep all your Neopoints safely in the bank - you have been warned!
Not very helpful, don't you think?
I tried everything, even the Battlepedia. I couldn't find any information on
him. Then it hit me- if I was writing an article on him, maybe other reporters
would be interested in writing about the same subject. The Neopian Times was
a gold mine of information. I found four articles about him.
But all of their descriptions were contradictory. One common theme they could
all agree on, though, was that the Tax Beast is hairy, fat, and green with horns
on his head. They could not agree on whether his arms and legs were stubby or
long or if he was tall or medium height.
Some of my questions were answered, but many other ingredients swirled around
in my head. Seemingly unrelated things became parts of the same mystery. Out
of all of it my questions were answered with questions.
I heard a story that he was once King Skarl's tax collector. One that he had
a brother and sister (more like the Tax Beast?). One that he once worked at
the Neopian Bank.
I felt that the only way to answer any of my questions was to find the Tax
He wasn't hard to find.
When I found him he was bellowing to a crying Lenny, "Go! Get away! And thank
you for donating to the Tax Beast!" He pocketed the money as he laughed evilly.
"Excuse me, Mr. Tax Beast?" I asked quietly.
"What do you want, you human?" he roared.
"I just wanted to know about you. You know, why you tax. Things like that."
He looked angry at first, then stopped, "Okay." It was shockingly easy to
get him to agree. "Just don't interrupt me!" he ordered. He threw a small pinch
of foul smelling pale blue dust and we were suddenly at the Money Tree. The
Tax Beast sat a sack underneath its branches.
He took me around the back of the tree and opened a door that led into a dark
tunnel. I followed him in. He pressed a button on the wall, lighting up the
place. It was a shocking collection of junk.
Bottles of sand were lined up on a shelf and posters plastered the wall; hanging
from the ceiling were almost all of the piñatas, except the Tax Beast piñata.
There was every kind of furniture ever; at least a million plushies sat on a
bed. There were dozens of wardrobes filled to bursting with clothes, shelves
crammed with books, even a stack of all the CDs. I was jealous of his Chomby
and the Fungus Balls collection. He handed me a can of Neocola that I accepted.
"When I was young, I was often teased for being huge, but weak and harmless.
Grundos stole my NP everyday. Unis would laugh saying I needed a good trip to
the beauty parlor. I had an older brother and a younger sister, but they weren't
beasts like me. My father was a green Grundo and my mother was a green Xweetok.
So it was kind of obvious I would be green, but I wound up big and hairy. My
brother was a regular Grundo, and my sister was a regular Xweetok.
After a while, my parents were abandoned at the pound. My only consolation
was that I still had my siblings and my loving owner. Not for long.
My owner grew up and lost interest in Neopia. We were abandoned and later
adopted by an owner who was lazy and didn't take care of us. Soon she abandoned
us again. The years went by and none of us was ever adopted again.
When my brother was old enough to leave, he left without looking back. When
I was old enough my sister pressed me into going too. I promised I would be
back for her. For a long while I worked at the Neopian Bank. The day my sister
could leave, I set off to meet her.
My sister was there waiting for me. She had been adopted and later abandoned
by a rich owner after she didn't win a beauty contest. We moved to Meridell
where I became King Skarl's tax collector. My sister got a job at the Cheeseroller.
But when the villagers stopped prospering so well, I realized the tax was
too big and lowered it significantly. King Skarl kicked me out of Meridell,
after barely letting me pack my few possessions, and captured my sister.
I went to Mystery Island and got a set of codestones at the Trading Post.
I used them at the Training School.
During that time I decided that King Skarl was too rich for his own good.
Since I was banned from Meridell, other rich Neopians would pay his debt.
I began to steal from the richer citizens and put it under the Money Tree.
I assembled the ghosts to help me, but since they're smaller, they can't carry
as many Neopoints, so I still tax the most," he finished.
"What about your sister?" I breathed.
"I don't know," the Tax Beast replied. "King Skarl released her to the pound
and she was adopted. I don't know by whom. My brother went to work for Dr. Sloth.
Being a Grundo, he was accepted easily and quickly."
"What about your real name?" I asked.
"GET OUT!" the Tax Beast bellowed and I ran, dropping 1,000 NP under the Money
Tree as I ran.
That still left many questions, but at least the Tax Beast's true tale has
finally been told. I can offer you two pieces of advice, one: donate to the
Money Tree, and two: get a bank account that's locked up tight with a PIN number.
I would just like to thank slamina83, tropicanadude107, illianatgd, and
podgeb for their research on the Tax Beast.