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The Most Famous Beards in Neopia

by iamskot


Greetings Neopia!

Have you stared at shaving cream and razors in utter horror and contempt? When you attempt to cut your Neopets' long tangled hair, do they immediately find a chair and bludgeon you to an inch of your life? Do you see disgruntled Neopets stroking their chins in worry, and suddenly burst into tears screaming their laments to anyone nearby?

Well, I certainly don't. It just doesn't happen in today's Neopian society. If you don't like your shaving cream and razors, you'll just go out and buy a new one. If you pet doesn't want a haircut it'll simply run away and take you on a merry extravagant run across Neopia, and you'll give up and let it do what it wants. And the only Neopian that bursts into tears after stroking their chin is me, because I have a deep phobia a new species of head lice will converge upon my chin and take over my brain.

Nevertheless, there is one famous quality that is on famous Neopians full of quality. This is why it's a famous quality. I'm talking about a characteristic that differs with everyone. It's always very hairy, can be different sizes and shapes and gets covered in food when you eat. If you haven't guessed yet, you're stupider than me. I'm talking about beards. I have compiled a list of the most famous beards ever to grace Neopia with their presence, and just how they changed Neopian history.

Yes, I am obsessive.

1) King Kelpbeard's beard

You may remember this fellow from the Curse of Maraqua Plot, which happened ages ago, and ended with a tumultuous battle that emerged with King Kelpbeard triumphant and lots of people angry that Scarblade never took his hat off. The wise King's beard isn't too special- it's just a small clump of blue hair that sticks out, making a point.

What this beard seems to say: 'I'm a beard. I'm attached to a very upset King who isn't very jolly.'

How this affected Neopian History: Lots of Neopians spent the following few months after the plot dying their beards blue and gelling them into short stumps. Most of these Neopians had eggs thrown at them by pirate supporters, so they stopped.

Beard rating: 2/10. It's small, and disappointing. The name 'Kelpbeard' would suggest that there's a beard made out of kelp somewhere, but alas, this is not the case.

2) The Chairman

This rather shrewd chap can be found at the Altador Cup Prize Shop. We don't know much about him, apart from the fact that he's a Kyrii with an abnormally large nose.

What this beard seems to say: 'Hey! Don't look at his nose! Look at me! I'm smart and professional! One day, there'll be an avatar about me! HEY! HELLO?'

How this has affected Neopian history: Jokes involving large noses have become more popular. One Ruki remarked 'his beard is red'. This Ruki soon won the jackpot in buried treasure, so maybe the beard is magic!

Beard Rating: 3/10 His beard is simply overshadowed by the colossal bulk of his nose.

3) The Techo Master

We all know this wizened old wrinkly Techo from the Mystery Island Training School. I know him well, as he spends hours whacking me with a stick when I keep on bringing him the wrong codestones. His beard is huge and bushy, and covers his entire chin.

What this beard seems to say: 'I'm big bushy and white. This makes me a wise beard, so you will need to respect me for it. If not, I will berate you with a long pointed stick.'

How this has affected Neopian history: Alas, this has not changed Neopian history at all. Techo Master Mimics may decide to grow a bushy messy beard and dye it white, but I don't think anything else has come of it.

Beard Rating: 4/10. Make no mistake, it's a nice beard but it's not famous enough, despite the fact that this Techo appears in an avatar.

4) Chocolate Factory owner

This fellow seems jolly on the outside, but on the inside we all know he's an evil conniving extortionist of unspeakable evil.

What this beard seems to say: 'I'm so evil, I don't have to grow to create a lasting impression.'

How this has affected Neopian history: -pokes the chocolate avatar-

Beard Rating: 5/10. He's so evil, he can get a five without really trying.

5) King Hagan

We all know whom this fellow is, so let's get down to facts!

What this beard seems to say: 'I'm wise. You're not.'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: Thousands of Neopians have decided King Hagan's beard is superior to almost every other beard out there. Also, there is a rumour that the rift between King Skarl and King Hagan was actually caused by jealousy for this wondrous beard.

Beard rating: 5.5/10 It scratches just above an average five because of the King's popularity. It does not rate very high because it actually isn't very long, if you take a good look at it.

6) Yaniq Avaan

This was the goalkeeper for Mystery Island in the Altador Cup. Mystery Island may not have won the cup, but had a dedicated following who supported the team all the way.

What this beard seems to say: 'I'm covered in cool white streaks, so I have a bubbly character. I'm also very useful in battles because I look very nasty when angry.'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: Unfortunately, only a few can grow a beard like this talented player, so copycats are rare. After this goalkeeper became famous, items in the grooming parlour did inflate slightly, and white hair dye was the new black for a while. Confusing, I know.

Beard rating: 6/10 This beard is amazing, and would probably be even more famous if Mystery Island had progressed further into the tournament.

7) King Coltzan II

As we know by now, it's not the size of the beard that matters, it's the impression you create on the massing hordes of the Neopian Public.

What this beard seems to say: 'Well, isn't this a shocker? A giant disembodied head floating above Coltzan's Shrine? Obviously, every hair I possess is more magical than a sack of Starry Battle Dung!'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: Mass respect, panic, worship and hysteria.

Beard rating: 7/10. It's not spectacular at all as you can hardly see it. It gets a seven purely because of magical value.

8) Me

I've been around for a while, and as some of my previous articles show, I've caused quite a lot of chaos.

What my beard seems to say: 'Ummm...'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: I'm not famous, so I shouldn't be on this list at all. I was surprised at the amount of people who point at me and say, 'We need to make sure we never let another abomination like this walk upon Neopia.' So, it seems that my beard has become slightly infamous, granting me a place on this list.

Beard Rating: 8/10. I'm only saying this because I'm biased and I refuse to let my beard become slandered.

9) Magax

This critter is a very spooky Wocky. He works for justice, but is shrouded with dark secrets so many dare not approach him.

What his beard seems to say: 'I'm just making a point here. You see this axe? Yeah. It's big, isn't it?'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: You can still see Neopians walking round with their beards gelled into fashionable short spikes.

Beard rating: 8.5/10. This beard has become a classic in fashion, and whether or not you like the crazy Wocky, you still might look like him.

10) And our final candidate is... King Altador

This wise warrior and adventurer has gained celebrity status since the Altador Plot began. His statue can be viewed by hordes of the Neopian public, and some say they have even seen him. His beard is one of the finest beards around, as it is finely groomed, is the pinnacle of cleanliness and style.

What this beard seems to say: 'Man, I'm too suave and cool for you. Now leave, before I smite you.'

How this beard has affected Neopian history: Millions of Altador plot enthusiasts have grown their own long grey beards, which they stroke intelligently when they are puzzled or simply bored.

Beard rating: 9/10. This only loses one point because it is not practical. It's very easy to get food caught in such a beard, so you'll need to eat very carefully.


So, you've just wasted ten minutes reading a pointless article. Are beards really important? We'll never know, but at least you now know what is 'in' and what is 'foolhardy and dangerous'.

Until next time, goodbye.

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