The Guide to Getting Rid of Pesky Owners
Hey there, it's me, Dark_Thief_van_Evil, but you can just call me Sly. For that
matter... if you don't call me Sly, then you will di-... *cough* I mean, I won't
be too happy. ANYWAY, I'm sure you're wondering why a Kyrii is entering the Neopian
Times... well, why not?!?! There are all those get-rich-quick guides out there
and goodness knows what else, but I have - thanks to my genius brain - come up
with a guide idea which will interest every single pet in Neopia: "The Guide to
Getting Rid of Pesky Owners!" Fascinating, isn't it? Yes, yes, I know, I'm so
clever! *evil laugh*
Alright, so let's get started. I'm sure all you poor little weak pets are all
eager to have revenge on your owners for not feeding you enough, or letting
you get sick, or simply - as in my case - not allowing world domination before
bed time. Well, no fear, my guide is the answer. Before we begin, you must make
sure that your owner is in the vicinity. I mean, you couldn't get rid of him
or her if they weren't nearby, right? So, once you have your so-called "parent"
nearby, you can start.
The first step is distraction. If your owner notices what you are planning,
then everything could go horribly wrong, so beware! For me, a cute fluffy petpet,
such as a baba, works just fine. Set it on the doorstep and your owner will
spend the next five centuries doting over it (how embarrassing). If this doesn't
work, then do not despair, for there are many other sneaky tricks. Those extremely
annoying creatures called siblings are the easiest. Hide your little brother's
milk bottle under the sofa or throw your sister's hair brush out the window
and your owner is guaranteed to be distracted!
Well, you have completed the easiest part of getting rid of your owner; now
the real work begins! There are many different approaches to getting rid of
him or her, so I will list the most effective ones below.
Plan A: Bribing a Villain
This is the easiest and also most efficient way of dealing with your pesky
owner. Sometimes - for example Dr. Sloth who voluntarily turns people into soot
- you needn't even pay your villain for their efforts! The best choice is usually
the meepits, though. These irresistibly cute little fluff balls love kidnapping
innocent Neopians and their cuteness hides their evil intentions until the last
minute! The easiest option would be to get one as a petpet; though they are
quite expensive, it will be worth the effort.
Plan B: "Accidentally" Losing Your Owner
It happens all the time! An innocent Neopian wanders off into the Geraptiku
Tombs and never returns. Though luring your owner into these dangerous catacombs
with the thought of unending riches is quite easy, there is always the high
risk that they will make it out and then your plan will have been ruined. Still,
with some luck, they will be eaten by a giant Hissi which I have heard rumors
about. Now wouldn't that be nice?
Plan C: Finding a Hobby
I find this plan absolutely useless, but as I am sure there is some silly little
pet who would be sad if its owner were completely gone, I shall include this
semi-plan in my list... blah! Not only is this plan the most useless, but it
is also the hardest, as one must find some sort of marvelously interesting thing
for one's owner to do and then present it so that they fall for it. A good idea
would be to try the Beauty Contest. In my opinion, it is simply a collection
of insane Neopians struggling for votes, but amazingly, it has become very popular.
Your owner will spend tremendous amounts of time on the neoboards advertising
their scribbles and when they are at home, they will be utterly exhausted. Not
such a bad thing, is it?
Plan D: Guilds
Horror! Guilds are the most frightening things you will ever come across. A
group of excited Neopians with nothing better to do all day than... CHAT and
do... things. *shudders* A guild, to me, is like a getting-rid-of-owners-machine
and you should see it that way too! All you need to do is find a nice group
of friends and send them off to a guild and your owner will never been seen
again. Just make sure that you are not seen by the other members, as it would
be awful to be pulled into their "circle" yourself!
There is one last step in this guide which you must follow: making sure no
one ever knows it was you! Nothing could be worse than someone finding out that
you got rid of your own owner and so you must be clever and "cover up your footprints"
as one would say. With plan A, it is easy, as the villain will obviously blamed.
Plan C and B and D are a lot more difficult, but with some wit, convincing anyone
suspicious that you were simply working for the good of your beloved owner should
not be too difficult. A couple of tears of remorse and sorrow always make you
more convincing and one cannot deny that being a cute fluffy pet, such as a
JubJub, always bring across an innocent message.
And there you are, you have now gotten rid of your pesky owner, thanks to my
wonderful guide... I'm expecting some fan mail and worshippers here! *drums
fingers with impatience* I do NOT whatsoever want to get any questions! Blah,
don't you think I have enough problems with my own owner? Just thought I'd make
that clear... good bye.
Note: No owners or siblings were hurt in the making of thi-... oh well, nevermind,
just move on the the next article, dum de da...
"Real" Author's Note: Hey if you're reading this... *drumroll* ... then,
yes, this is my first time in the NT! *squeals with joy* I hope you liked the
idea of writing from Sly's perspective and comments are always appreciated.
(Please don't be offended by his arrogance; he's always like that. -.-)