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The Guide to Getting Rid of Pesky Owners


by abhobbs

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Hey there, it's me, Dark_Thief_van_Evil, but you can just call me Sly. For that matter... if you don't call me Sly, then you will di-... *cough* I mean, I won't be too happy. ANYWAY, I'm sure you're wondering why a Kyrii is entering the Neopian Times... well, why not?!?! There are all those get-rich-quick guides out there and goodness knows what else, but I have - thanks to my genius brain - come up with a guide idea which will interest every single pet in Neopia: "The Guide to Getting Rid of Pesky Owners!" Fascinating, isn't it? Yes, yes, I know, I'm so clever! *evil laugh*

Alright, so let's get started. I'm sure all you poor little weak pets are all eager to have revenge on your owners for not feeding you enough, or letting you get sick, or simply - as in my case - not allowing world domination before bed time. Well, no fear, my guide is the answer. Before we begin, you must make sure that your owner is in the vicinity. I mean, you couldn't get rid of him or her if they weren't nearby, right? So, once you have your so-called "parent" nearby, you can start.

The first step is distraction. If your owner notices what you are planning, then everything could go horribly wrong, so beware! For me, a cute fluffy petpet, such as a baba, works just fine. Set it on the doorstep and your owner will spend the next five centuries doting over it (how embarrassing). If this doesn't work, then do not despair, for there are many other sneaky tricks. Those extremely annoying creatures called siblings are the easiest. Hide your little brother's milk bottle under the sofa or throw your sister's hair brush out the window and your owner is guaranteed to be distracted!

Well, you have completed the easiest part of getting rid of your owner; now the real work begins! There are many different approaches to getting rid of him or her, so I will list the most effective ones below.

Plan A: Bribing a Villain

This is the easiest and also most efficient way of dealing with your pesky owner. Sometimes - for example Dr. Sloth who voluntarily turns people into soot - you needn't even pay your villain for their efforts! The best choice is usually the meepits, though. These irresistibly cute little fluff balls love kidnapping innocent Neopians and their cuteness hides their evil intentions until the last minute! The easiest option would be to get one as a petpet; though they are quite expensive, it will be worth the effort.

Plan B: "Accidentally" Losing Your Owner

It happens all the time! An innocent Neopian wanders off into the Geraptiku Tombs and never returns. Though luring your owner into these dangerous catacombs with the thought of unending riches is quite easy, there is always the high risk that they will make it out and then your plan will have been ruined. Still, with some luck, they will be eaten by a giant Hissi which I have heard rumors about. Now wouldn't that be nice?

Plan C: Finding a Hobby

I find this plan absolutely useless, but as I am sure there is some silly little pet who would be sad if its owner were completely gone, I shall include this semi-plan in my list... blah! Not only is this plan the most useless, but it is also the hardest, as one must find some sort of marvelously interesting thing for one's owner to do and then present it so that they fall for it. A good idea would be to try the Beauty Contest. In my opinion, it is simply a collection of insane Neopians struggling for votes, but amazingly, it has become very popular. Your owner will spend tremendous amounts of time on the neoboards advertising their scribbles and when they are at home, they will be utterly exhausted. Not such a bad thing, is it?

Plan D: Guilds

Horror! Guilds are the most frightening things you will ever come across. A group of excited Neopians with nothing better to do all day than... CHAT and do... things. *shudders* A guild, to me, is like a getting-rid-of-owners-machine and you should see it that way too! All you need to do is find a nice group of friends and send them off to a guild and your owner will never been seen again. Just make sure that you are not seen by the other members, as it would be awful to be pulled into their "circle" yourself!

There is one last step in this guide which you must follow: making sure no one ever knows it was you! Nothing could be worse than someone finding out that you got rid of your own owner and so you must be clever and "cover up your footprints" as one would say. With plan A, it is easy, as the villain will obviously blamed. Plan C and B and D are a lot more difficult, but with some wit, convincing anyone suspicious that you were simply working for the good of your beloved owner should not be too difficult. A couple of tears of remorse and sorrow always make you more convincing and one cannot deny that being a cute fluffy pet, such as a JubJub, always bring across an innocent message.

And there you are, you have now gotten rid of your pesky owner, thanks to my wonderful guide... I'm expecting some fan mail and worshippers here! *drums fingers with impatience* I do NOT whatsoever want to get any questions! Blah, don't you think I have enough problems with my own owner? Just thought I'd make that clear... good bye.

Note: No owners or siblings were hurt in the making of thi-... oh well, nevermind, just move on the the next article, dum de da...

"Real" Author's Note: Hey if you're reading this... *drumroll* ... then, yes, this is my first time in the NT! *squeals with joy* I hope you liked the idea of writing from Sly's perspective and comments are always appreciated. (Please don't be offended by his arrogance; he's always like that. -.-)

 
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