teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 126,483,444 Issue: 255 | 1st day of Gathering, Y8
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Rigged? Naw...


by militancy

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DESERTED FAIRGROUND - We've all played Test Your Strength, right? If you haven't, you've either been living under a rock, or... well, you're smart.

The game is as simple as it gets. Firstly, and most importantly, pay your small fee of 100 NP. Next, raise the mallot and bring it down as hard as you can on the red raised spot. The meter rises slowly, and when it finally stops... your score? Three out of one hundred? Less? Don't feel bad, it happens to the biggest and strongest of pets. It's because of this that rumors that the game is rigged have been floating about.

I went to the Deserted Fairground to interview the Mynci that's behind the game--Arnold. No one really knows about him, except that he seems very... suspicious, and enjoys poking fun at his customers' low scores (which happens to be just about everybody).

I found Arnold lurking around the Spooky Foods stand, apparently on his lunch break. Munching on a huge piece of Rest in Peace of Chicken, he didn't seem to keen on talking to me or... anyone for that matter. He tried to shoo me away, but I was persistent! After a 2,000 Neopoint bribe, I was finally able to get some answers out of him.

Me: Let's start off this interview by getting this question out of the way. ARE YOU PLOTTING WITH THE MEEPITS!?

Arnold: No.

Me: Are you sure you're not taking money from the game and funding it to the Meepits for their quest of Meepitopia?

Arnold: I thought this was about the game? And me?!

Me: It is. I'm asking if the money you make from this GAME-

Arnold: NO! No, I'm not. Okay?! Next question?

Me: The first time I played Test Your Strength, I received a score of 2 and got a badge that said "Weakling". Any chance we might be getting some positive prizes for low scores sometime in the future?

Arnold: Hehe... I remember that; it had to have been the weakest swing I have ever seen. Haha. As for the prizes, they'll most likely stay the same for the time being.

Me: You know, you're not very good at advertising your game.

Arnold: And yet people still flock by the millions to play it. :D

Me: Bu... Wh... *sigh* How did you get set up with this job?

Arnold: Well, I've been pretty good friends with Sidney from the scratchcard stand for a long time. I worked at this one game for a while and was tired of watching everyone win... er... lose, so he offered me a job at Test Your Strength. Yes, Sidney owns Test Your Strength; come to think of it he owns just about every scratch card kiosk and wheel. Anyway, the pay is WAY better here and plus, everyone wins a prize no matter how weak they are. Heh, heh.

Me: Hm... Onto the next question. What's your house like?

Arnold: Well, it's a 37 room mansion on Darigan Citadel. It has central air and heating systems, chandeliers, top notch security system, royal wallpaper, OH I almost forgot, the Meepits have the whole third floor to themselves.

Me: Right. The Meepits, eh? Interesting. Do you think you're well liked by the people and pets of Neopia?

Arnold: Of course!

Me: Er... May I ask why you feel this way?

Arnold: Because I have one of the ONLY gambling games where you get a prize no matter what your score is!

Me: That's a good point, but don't you think you're kind of full of yourself?

Arnold: Well, no. Don't you like me?

Me: Moving on, do you or don't you like asparagus?

Arnold: No. I can't stand the stuff. It's bitter and... green. I hate green!

Me: Uhm... Your shirt's green.

Arnold: The purple stripes counteract the green and make it a cool green.

Me: Er...

Arnold: What?

Me: So, what do you think of Haunted Woods winning the Altador Cup?

Arnold: Psh. They're overrated. Roo Island should have won. I could ride on that Merry Go Round for hours! Anyways, rumor has it that Krell Vitor was on transmogrification potions.

Me: Really? Wow. That explains it.

Arnold: Yep.

Me: Next question. Ahem. Do you believe in Jellyworld?

Arnold: Why yes. I've been there before. It's made of ALL jelly.

Me: But, there's no such thing as Jellyworld.

Arnold: Yeah huh! Here's the link! -blocked-

Me: See. No such thing.

Arnold: It's there I tell you, it's there.

Me: Okay, enough with the craziness of Jellyworld and onto the next question. Has anyone ever, ever won the jackpot?

Arnold: Well, it's only been won twice since. By two little scrawny things. I thought I had those bolts tightened as hard as they could... Wait. I... uh... forget that last sentence. I honestly don't know WHAT I was thinking. Anyway... so, yes. The Jackpot has been won before, but most of the time I'm just giving out Zomutts and Halloween Paint Brushes and such...

Me: Wow. Lucky them. If you ever would win Test Your Strength, what would you do with the prize money?

Arnold: I'd quit this job and I'd paint my self RAINBOW!

Me: Why rainbow and not a color such as... I don't know, Darigan, Halloween...?

Arnold: Hm, no. Pink would have to be my second choice, though!

Me: I see, I see. And last but certainly not least, IS TEST YOUR STRENGTH RIGGED?!

Arnold: Of course not! That's just a biased opinion some bad sport made up because he didn't win.

Me: Oh yeah? Prove it. Play Test Your Strength right now and show it's not rigged.

Arnold: Fine. Gimme that mallet!

Arnold walked over to Test Your Strength, lifted the mallet in the air and slammed it down. I watched as the meter went up, and up, and up, all the way to the top... to the jackpot.

Arnold: EEE! FINALLY! RAINBOW PAINTBRUSH, HERE I COME!

Arnold completely forgot about his lunch, which I gladly finished off for him, and ran off to find the quickest way to the Trading Post. There you have it, though. Test Your Strength is NOT rigged.

TONS OF CREDIT GOES TO XDEVI FOR EDITING!

 
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