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How (Not) to Eat Gross Food like a Champion


by triplechewychocolate

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Neopia is the home of extraordinary culinary achievements. Various outlets around Neopia have conceived of a multitude of the finest foods fit for a Neopet. Who would not say yes to a piping hot Strawberry JubJub Cake fresh from the Neopian bakery? Or some Fluffy Faerie Pancakes served fresh from Faerie Foods? The truth is that anywhere you visit in Neopia is prepared to serve you with a fine and extraordinary dining experience- whether it is under the sea, on top of a mountain, or in orbit.

But amid these masterpieces of mouth-watering perfection, there are some less-than wholesome foods that we as Neopets may sometimes find on our plates. There are, I am sad to report, cases of Pickled Leeches, Toe Nail Soups, Chewing Dung, Lice Rice, Finger Crisps, Grubwiches, Chocolate Coated Fish Pops, Maggot Stews, and the list goes on. Gross foods manage to squeeze their ways into our owners' safety deposit boxes, and from there, our practical owners like to remove the gross foods in the form of our dinners. It is time that these less-than-edible "foods" were addressed. Why are they here? Who invented them? Why, oh, why, in the name of all that is good, does my owner want me to eat them? And how should I go about receiving (or rejecting) this food without being a snob, and without making myself sick? These questions and more will be the topic of the following discourse. Bon appetite!

Gross foods have been around since as long as I can remember. You can ask why Gross Foods were invented in the first place. And I would tell you that I have no idea. So I thought I would go around and ask some fellow Neopians for their thoughts.

A blue Bruce replied, 'Cruel and unusual punishment.'

'It's the Meepits... the Meepits!' whispered a purple Kiko conspiratorially, while glancing nervously around. I would like to note that the Kiko was wearing a tinfoil hat, though I decided not to ask why.

The simplest answer, though, is the best. A red Grarrl provided what I believe to be the true origin of Gross Food:

'It all happened back in the early days of Sloth,' the Grarrl began over a cup of Strongberry tea, 'back when he was just beginning to form diabolic plans. He managed to use a special out-port brainwashing device that forced the "food makers" ' (the Grarrl lifted his claws in the accepted quotation mark sign at this), 'to create a series of foods that involved select combinations of normal foods along with rotting foods that, when used correctly, could enable Sloth to force any Neopian to do his bidding. While his plans gradually changed, involving the enslavement of Grundos blah blah blah,' I nodded amicably, encouraging him to continue, 'Dr. Sloth never bothered to un-brainwash the "food makers," and thus they continued to create unsavoury, un-succulent and most importantly, unappetizing foods. Since Sloth no longer had a use for the Gross Foods, they were passed to the only other Neopian who would accept them in large quantities: the Tiki Tack Man, who in turn gives them out to unsuspecting pets as "prizes" at the Tombola.'

Now, a wise Neopian will visit the Tombola every day because there is the opportunity to win bottled faeries, codestones and Neopoints. But, sometimes the prizes turn out to be less than worth it. I am talking, of course, about Gross Foods. There are many ways to deal with Gross Foods when they come our way. Some owners discard them, others donate them. Still others try to sell them while other owners store them away in their safety deposit boxes because they are hoping to get the coveted packrat avatar.

In the world of Neopia, however, there are some not-so-wise owners. These ones see free food that they can use to feed their pets who are dying of hunger. I can only guess at what runs through their heads...

What's not to love? It's chocolate, and a taco!

The Rancid Old Meat can't be that rancid...

Fish Flavour Ice Cream? Well, at least it's got protein.

Scab Cake...

...

...

Ok, I have nothing. Sometimes I am certain that these owners are OUT OF THEIR MINDS!

If you ever do find yourself with a plate of Gross Food in front of you, remember that it is not polite to throw the food across the room and have a tantrum, refusing to ever ever eat such vulgar stuff ever. Such a reaction to your dinner might earn you a swift reprimand from your owner. Turning your nose up at it and demanding only gourmet foods may earn you a label of having a snobbish disposition, and such actions are not acceptable. However, that is not to say that you should ever, EVER, eat Gross Food for fear of risking your own health and sanity. Instead I have provided a step by step guide to getting yourself out of a situation which could end in you being forced to eat Gross Food.

1. If you ever get Gross Food as a prize at the Tombola, try dropping hints to your owner that it looks unhealthy and should be discarded for his or her own safety as well as your own.

2. Make sure to always remind your owner to visit the Giant Omelette because you just love the taste of free omelette.

3. Should your owner ever consider giving you the Gross Food, simply make a small hint that the Packrat avatar is looking pretty nice these days, and that you would like to have one of your very own.

4. If your owner already has the avatar or has doubles of a Gross Food (for some strange reason), suggest donating the gross Foods or selling them. After all, it would be 100% profit.

5. If you still find Gross Foods have found their way into your dinner, you could politely suggest other foods that you would enjoy (hopefully sending a hint that you do not want to eat your Stuffed Frog).

6. While your owner is looking away, you could try to discreetly remove the Gross Foods, such as into your napkin or into a nearby potted plant. **Note: This could have serious repercussions, especially if your owner were to find the hidden food at a later time. Be careful!

7. Should your owner insist that you eat the Gross Food, refuse flat out, saying something along the lines of "No thank you, I would prefer to eat something else, please." Remember, being polite is important.

8. If all else fails, be more forceful and direct in your refusal, saying, "I will not eat this Hot Worm Hot Dog."

9. If even this fails to deter your owner, simply walk away.

10. As a last resort, and only as a last resort, fling the Gross Food across the room and have a temper tantrum before storming out of the room. This way you will have spoiled the food, making it... less edible. And you will have made your point crystal clear.

But remember, if you fling your food across the room, you may be forced to clean it up. So follow my advice and hopefully your future dining experiences will be Gross Food free. Happy eating!

A note to owners: Please, please consider your pets! Say no to Gross Foods!

 
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