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Nine Ways That Toast Can Save Your Life


by buckbeak807

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If someone asked you to name an item that could save your life, what would you say? A parachute? A slice of neopox pizza? A giant jelly that works like the giant omelette? (What a crazy idea!) Yes, those would all save you (except for the last, which is just plain crazy). But what about toast? Yes, I said toast. I have made it my life's mission to educate you on the powers of toasted bread. Okay, so maybe I was bored. But during those 8 hours of boredom I could have been doing absolutely nothing, so be grateful that I made this sacrifice for you.

1. You promised your petpet feepit that you would take it to the Haunted Woods for Halloween, but its idea for a meepit costume would be much too scary (for little children and yourself). But it's the 30th day of Haunting already! Where will you find a costume in time? In your babaa toaster, of course! Simply hollow out a piece of pumpkin ghost toast, grab your petpet, and shove it inside! A fast, cheap, and yummy costume!

2. Oh no! You insulted your feepit by telling it that it couldn't be a meepit so much that it swelled with indignation and riiiiiip! To your horror, you realize that your beloved feepit is actually a meepit pretending to be a feepit wanting to pretend to be a feepit to confuse you! (It worked, I bet; the clever beastie.) In its rage, those creepy, staring eyes began to glow. You stare back, transfixed. It might have had you then if you hadn't remembered the piece of mecha tiger jam and toast in your hand! You quickly reflect that gaze of PY0R 3B1L back at it with the mirror-like surface of the metal toast. You scoop up some of the jam and throw it at that little fiend! (Everyone knows that tiger jam is the meepit's only weakness.)

3. The meepit is gone. After you showed off your 1337 jam throwing skills, it won't be back, right? Left. Or wrong. Not only had it returned, but it had also brought backup! With deadly weapons! But instead of running from their marshmallow shooters (they shoot marshmallows up to 30 ft!), you valiantly block the would-be-fatal blows with your toast shield! Extremely tedious to make, these rare shields are gradually toasted over the course of many years, giving it a hard, crisp, and tasty exterior.

4. Unfortunately, the meepits think the shield is just as tasty as you did. Not good. Whose idea was it to use a toast shield? Oh... wait... Anyway. You're surrounded! What do you do? Then it hits you. Literally.

Something has happened!

The Golden Pteri flies by, but since none of your Neopets are Pteris, it just drops a piece of faerie toast with butter on your head and flies away.

You hastily grab the wing-shaped toast and stick it to your back. Butter is a surprisingly strong adhesive! Somehow you manage to fly away. Huzzah for butter!

5. Or maybe not-so-huzzah-for-butter. You flew too close to the sun and the butter melted! Your toast becomes even more toasted and you fall down... SPLAT! Uh oh. You landed into a Pteri's nest (luckily empty) and broke one of its eggs! Could this day get any worse?! Yes, apparently. Out of all the nests you could have landed in, you HAD to choose the Golden Pteri's nest! (I bet it wishes that it hadn't dropped that toast on your head now!) You know that no one messes with the Golden Pteri and gets away with it. And if things could possibly get worse, you could see the meepits breaching a hill in the distance! Hurry up and get that boiled egg on toast out of your pocket! Take out the inside, put the shell on the ground, and offer to pay a shady looking beakadoodle 10k if it pretends to be the Golden Pteri's chick for the day. (Hopefully the Golden Pteri has a bad case of Blurred Vision!)

6. The Golden Pteri was so grateful that you protected its chick from the meepits (which is of course what you were doing *shifty eyes*) that it dropped you off in the farthest place possible from them: the Altador Dance Club! Maybe you could get help there! (At this point the meepits had retreated to their fortress of EBIL to plot.) But Jenna da Bouncer said you couldn't enter unless you were in costume. How could you forget? Tonight was the famous Altadorian Masquerade Disco! Although you try to explain that you were hiding from the meepits, she just laughed at you and your n00bish excuse. Hmm... now you're really in a pickle. (Psst... d-i-s-c-o t-o-a-s-t... but you didn't hear it from me. *shifty eyes*) And it came to you as plainly as if someone had spelled it out for you! Which no one did. Honest. You bite out eye-and-mouth holes in a piece of disco toast! Jenna da Bouncer lets you in, where you seek help and refuge.

7. You explain your situation to the Quiggle who runs the club and the only other member, who is an orange Yurble that looks vaguely familiar. You all agree that the only way to defeat the meepits is to take down their walled fortress of EBIL... But how? You turn to the book Gallery of Toast for help. It's full of toast sculptures, which gives that Yurble an idea...

8. You can't believe you went through with his idea! Building a giant, hollow Kau toast sculpture would never work! Someone would have thought of it thousands of years ago, used it to win some war, and then some blind poet would have written an extremely long poem about it, which would still be revered as a timeless classic. But has it been? No! The Kau is rolled up to their fortress of EBIL, from which you could hear the meepits, well, meeping. They open the gate and brought it in, at which point you jump out, sporks at the ready. There are a lot more than you expected. They stare at you, then at each other, and then they start rolling around, meeping with laughter... They are so amused that they don't even notice as you push the Kau over. THUMP! It smushed them all and their fortress of EBIL! Which was the plan all along. Honest. You celebrate your victory and then you go home, rather hungry.

9. And now for the final and best way that toast can save your life (and it only takes one plain piece of toast)... by eating it! Well, you probably never want to see another piece of toast again after- Ding-dong! Hold on... Oh! Isn't it a cute little feepit at the door! What? You want to be a meepit for Halloween? Here, why don't you wear a piece of this piece of pumpkin ghost toast instead?

 
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