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Dear Crabby


by dan4884

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My name is Crabby. Don't laugh, I didn't choose the name. I am a Mutant Lenny and proud of it, baby! For years I have heard compliments on my wonderful advice I give to anyone asking (or not asking, for that matter). So I've decided to expand my advice to readers all over the world! Soon I will be all-powerful! *cough* I mean, spread my advice to you! Here is my first piece of advice: read my article now or suffer the consequences. This is for your own good. Do not deny it. You will not be able to. I have friends in high places. Got it? Good. Now, let's get onto the advice!

***

Dear Crabby:

I love my owner very much, but she always forgets to feed my siblings and me. I wouldn't complain so much, but I am a Strawberry Poogle. I guess you understand why this is a problem now. What should I do?

- I Am So Yummy

Dear Yummy:

That does seem like a problem, doesn't it? Well, it's your own fault for joining a hungry family being the color that you are. My advice to you would be to take one for the team. You know, sacrifice yourself? It couldn't hurt much, right? What's one leg to a hungry family? This way, everyone's happy. You get to ride around in a wheelchair, and everyone's satiated. How's that for a win-win situation?

***

Dear Crabby:

For my birthday, I received a Dung Slorg. Now while I have always wanted a petpet, I didn't expect it to leave trails of... well, you know. I am quite disgusted, and I'm not sure if I should be offended or not. Please help me for the sake of my sanity... and my plush carpets.

- Freakishly Neat Neopian

Dear Neopian:

So what were you planning on doing with this petpet? Tossing it out with the trash? I don't think so, young lady (if you are a lady, I can't tell. I'm not a psychic, just a columnist.). You will keep that Slorg and love it! And I'm expecting some kisses as well! Don't give me that look! It was a gift and a very nice one at that! I wish I had friends as nice as yours. For my birthday, all I received was a pile of dung. I'd much rather have a dung Slorg than a pile of dung, wouldn't you?

***

Dear Crabby:

What in Fyora's name is a slug? The shop near my home has recently started stocking Slug Flakes. On the label it says, "The delicious taste that slugs just love!"

Is it just a company that can't spell 'Slorg"?

-Very Confused

Dear Confused:

Stop wasting your time asking questions like that. Get a job.

***

Dear Crabby:

Why hasn't Skarl tried a diet yet?

-Skarl's Bath Time Assistant

Dear Assistant:

My sympathies. I would perhaps nudge him in the right direction (as opposed to the left, that's where the cookies are) and hire a trainer? That should get him as fit as a fiddle, if you can call fiddles fit. Whatever.

***

Dear Crabby:

I just saw some ghosts heading off toward the Wishing Well with what looked like stolen Neopoints. Aren't they supposed to donate those to the Money Tree?

-Was Hoping for Some Neopoints

Dear Hoping:

Well, aren't you the most sheltered little Neopet on the planet! Look, kid, lemme tell you about a little thing called greed. It's what makes the planet turn, did you know that? See, those ghosts are tired of having their hard-stolen money stolen from them by some snot-nosed little Acara! Would you want to give it up? Didn't think so. So don't go complaining when those hard working ghosts decide to wish for a codestone or two. They're allowed. It's like the law or something.

***

Dearest Crabby:

I am an avid reader of the Neopian Times and have stumbled upon your advice column. My question is: how do you write an advice column? Is it hard? And where do you come up with the answers?

-An Aspiring Advice Column Writer

(Not So) Dear Writer:

Don't even think about it. This is my turf, and I won't have any old Neopet come waltzing in on my job! Got it? It's not like this is an easy job! I have to deal with moochers like you who want in on the advice every day. I don't think so, kid. Try the short story authors down the hall. They'll let anyone in!

***

Dear Crabby:

I just :) can't stop :) smiling. I try :) to stop :) but I just can't :) help :) my :) self. What should :) I do? :)

Your fan :),

Mr. :) Smiles

Dear Mr. Smiles:

Your happiness disgusts me.

***

Dear Crabby:

My felings are hurt because evereone I come accros always tellz me I am dimwittud. I can't help it; I'm a Grundo! So I was wonddering if you could giiv me some advise by sugesteng some wondurful books that I could read.

Thankz,

Not A Bookwurm

Dear Bookwurm:

Well well, so you're undergoing sentiments of despair! Boo hoo. I've witnessed an abundance of whiners throughout my life. So you're unintelligent. Big deal. Just seize any old manuscript and examine it! Might I advocate Basic Spelling Songs? That might assist you with your spelling predicament. It's quite atrocious, I must declare.

***

Dear Crabby:

Please help me! I've been trapped in a castle for seven weeks and I need to know an anagram for "taopot." Help!

-Hopeless in Haunted Woods

Dear Hopeless:

Fi ouy ctan' sloev granams lkei taopot, oyu aer lohpesse. Oot dab ofr ouy.

***

Dear Crabby:

I've been zapped occasionally by the Lab Ray, and I've had so many changes that I don't even know what my own gender is anymore! Please help me!

- Very Confused Lab Rat

Dear Rat:

Wow, I feel your pain! I used to get zapped and once I came out as a rainbow Uni! Now how ironic is it for a rainbow Uni to be named Crabby? Very ironic indeed. As for your problem, well, just go back to the Ray and hope for something better. You'll figure it out eventually. Maybe.

***

Dear Crabby:

There's this pretty girl I know that I really want to get to know better, but the problem is, she's a really pretty Uni and I'm a big fat Skeith. I don't know whether I'll scare her away, do you think I should try anyway, or just not bother?

-Lost in the Lost Desert

Dear Lost:

Well, that is a problem! Just talk to her and see what she says. The worst that could happen is you completely fail and lose all self-esteem you ever had. That's not so bad, is it? I wish I could be there to see your rejecti-I mean you talking to this Uni! Good luck. You're going to need it. Seriously.

***

Well, there you have it. Advice for any and every question you might have! If you have a question for me, Crabby, send a neomail to dan4884! It may get answered in a Dear Crabby article! Please note that not all questions will be used and your username will not be credited. Thanks for reading!

 
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