Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 90,555,321 Issue: 168 | 2nd day of Celebrating, Y6
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The Great Fears of Neopia

by gloss_frozen


My Neohome – Halloween has passed a few weeks ago and so I decided to start preparations for next year. After all, having a spooky, creepy and horrible Halloween is hard work! So I started to think about something new for Halloween besides Jack-Os with Adams face, Spyder webs and a Meepit on the doorstep. Then an idea occurred to me! What could be a better way to find out Neopia´s greatest fears, than asking some famous Neopians? But who to ask?

I decided to begin with the scariest person in Neopia: The Island Mystic

After all he tells horrible stuff to most Neopians every day, or would you like to be chased by a pack of three-headed Lupes? So I went to Mystery Island and entered his little hut.

Mystic: Welcome, I guess you want your fortune told.

Me: Actually we already did that this morning. You said I’d forget to gargle with jelly. By the way, very messy idea.

Mystic: Well, what’s your concern then?

Me: I’m doing a little research for an article for the Neopian Times. So, what’s your greatest fear?

Mystic: My greatest fear already happened when the five guardians of this island were kidnapped and…

Me: Yeah, yeah. I know that story. No personal fear? Heights? Fire? Darkness?

Mystic: Uhm, OK, I’ll tell you. But you must keep it a secret!

Me: Sure will.

Mystic: My greatest fear is these petpets they have in the Rock Pool. Smileys just give me the creeps!

Me: Oh! Well, I’ll try not to mention it.

My next Stop was the Virtupets® Space Station. Actually I had hoped to meet famous Dr. Sloth here, but when I asked one of the Grundos walking around where Sloth’s hideout within the Space Station was, he suddenly became very frightened and ran away.

Note to myself: For next Halloween, a tape with the question “Where is Sloth’s hideout?”

So I decided to ask the nearest almost celebrity. The famous Gormball player and master chef: Gargarox Isafuhlarg

He’s a big scary Mutant Grundo and don’t tell me his Chicken Cordon Bleu doesn’t look creepy.

Me: Mr. Isafuhlarg? May I have a minute?

Gargarox: Sure, but hurry up. Customers are waiting!

Me: OK, I’ll make it quick. What’s the scariest thing you can think of?

Gargarox: Now that’s easy. That evil Island Faerie stealing my fine recipes.

Me: Why would Jhuidah steal those yuck…

I get a harsh glare from Gargarox.

Me: I mean yummy food recipes. I’m pretty sure she’d do everything to get those for her cooking pot!

Gargarox: Exactly what I told ya.

Me: Thanks Mr. Isafuhlarg. I won’t forget it.

Suddenly two huge Mutant Grundos entered the Café, I got blindfolded, grabbed and taken away. When I could see again I was in an office and the chair behind the desk turned. In there sat Dr. Sloth who I’d been searching for.

Sloth: So, you pathetic mortal have been searching for me?

Me: Yes, Dr. Sloth, Sir. I’m working on an article for the Neopian Times and wanted to ask you a question.

Sloth: So you want to have access to my wisdom, eh? MUAHUAHUAHUA! But I feel generous today, so ask right away.

Me: My article is about fears, and I’m asking famous Neopians what their greatest fear is.

Sloth: You fool! You think I’m afraid of something?

Me: Well, everyone has a little bit of fear now and then. It’s what makes us human. Or Neopet. Or green chicken thingy. Whatever.

Sloth: MUAHUAHUAHUA! The only thing I’m afraid of is the Space Faerie telling our little kindergarten stories. And she hasn’t been around in Neopia for years.

Me: You mean like, when you broke her yellow crayon and she…

Before finishing the sentence I got thrown out of the space station and landed directly on Roo Island in Von Roo´s crypt. He woke up and hissed at me. So here is my next interview partner: Count Von Roo

Me: Sorry to just drop in, but may I ask a question or two?

Von Roo: Yes, but make it quick. I want to get back to my nap!

Me: All right. So, what’s your worst fear?

Von Roo: My greatest fear would be the introduction of churches to Neopia.

Me: I see, because of all the holiness and you being a vampire, right?

Von Roo: No, I just can’t stand these stain glass windows. The colorful lights scares me.

Me: Well, at least still a vampire thing. By the way, you better stay away from Brightvale then.

I had some fears of Neopians you would consider scary now, but next Halloween not only these scary people would come by my Neohome. I went on to Meridell to ask some people that are even in the book of heroes. And I got an audition with: King Skarl

Me: Your highness, you’ve already experienced lots of terrible thing within the wars between Darigan and Meridell. But is there still something like a worst nightmare for you?

Skarl: My worst nightmare already happened when we were fighting against Lord Kass. He and the evil witch Morgus hypnotized my fellow peasants.

Me: I understand. It must be really hard to have his very own peasants against oneself. All the trust and effort you put into each other and then this strong bond is broken by two evil fiends trying to conquer Meridell!

Skarl: What are you talking about? There was no one to harvest the crops and my kitchen almost ran out of food!

Me: Oh yeah. I can totally feel the agony there.

While in Meridell, I decided to also ask Skarl’s brother, a guardian of true wisdom and king of Brightvale: King Hagan

Me: King Hagan, you are a wise and knowledgeable, uhm, Skeith and King of Brightvale.

Hagan: Guardians! Who let this peasant in?

Me: *clears throat* I am a Neopian Times reporter and want to ask your highness a question.

Hagan: Spreading my wisdom? That’s a fine deed. I will grant you your question.

Me: Of course. Exactly what I had in mind. So would you please tell me, what your greatest fear is?

Hagan: My greatest fear is, that Neoschools will never come out and all those poor Neopets out there will never have access to the great pool of knowledge.

Me: Yeah, I’m sure all those happy homework- and testless Neopets out there thank you for your big concern.

My next and almost last station on my search for fears was Faerieland. What in the world could someone living in the clouds, surrounded by pastel colors ever fear? After falling down the stairs of the hidden tower twice (you try climbing invisible stairs) I was going to find out in an interview with: Faerie Queen Fyora

Fyora: No, I don’t do loans!!!

Me: Uh, yes I know. And I didn’t want to buy anything. I’m here to ask you a question.

Fyora: Sorry then. Sometimes people get up here and become very annoying about my high prices. They ask why I don’t have a half price day and why I won’t haggle!

Me: I understand. Having the greatest assortment of powerful battle items must be really hard. But anyways, I came up here to ask your highness a question.

Fyora: And the question would be?

Me: What is your greatest fear?

Fyora: My greatest fear is this evil fiend called Pant Devil ever finds out the location of this tower. All my precious items being robbed by this nasty guy. That’s my worst fear.

Me: I think everyone who ever got a visit from the Pant Devil can understand that. But when he ever does that, you can still beat the crap out of him in the Battledome with the rest of your weapons.

For a final fear I wanted the opinion of a Neopets staff member. But who was I going to ask? Adam? Yeah sure, his greatest fear would either be missing asparagus or a Psimouse-Spyder crossbreed. Mr. Insane? Probably the fear to be forced to come up with a third part of Neoquest. I finally decided to ask who (if you read this) was so generous to publish this article in the Neopian Times and is the friend or mortal enemy of every Neopian writer: Snowflake

Me: Snowflake? Can I ask you a question?

Snowflake: *looks up from a huge pile of papers* I don’t have that much time. The next issue will come out soon.

Me: I know. I know. Just a quick question.

Snowflake: Go on.

Me: Thanks. What is your worst fear?

Snowflake: …

Me: Snowflake?

Snowflake: Black Weewoos.

Me: What?

Snowflake: You heard me right. Black Weewoos.

Me: But why black Weewoos? There aren’t any in Neopia!

Snowflake: No comment.

Me: *sigh* I guess I have to leave it at that.

So now I will sum up how to make the perfect mega spooky Halloween for next year:

1. Put Smileys everywhere around your house.

2. Steal Gargarox recipes and give them to Jhuidah.

3. Publish Sloth’s kindergarten stories in the Neopian Times.

4. Exchange your ordinary windows with colorful stain glass windows.

5. Rob King Skarl´s supply of food.

6. Keep Neoschools from coming out. (That’s gonna be a hard one)

7. Put up signs with the location of the hidden tower for the Pant Devil.

8. Place a black Weewoo in Snowflakes office.

Good thing I started this early. Well gotta go now! Work has to be done till next Halloween!

Authors Note: Thanks to molly_jean for checking it!

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