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Attack of the Slorgs: This is NOT a Game Guide


by squire_genevieve

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MERI ACRES - At first, this game appears deceptively nice. What could be simpler? Aim your laser and destroy slorgs. Fun! Or not. Look closer. Underneath its friendly façade this game has some more sinister motives. Why, oh why, do we actually WANT to destroy these slorgs? What have they done to us? Sure they may eat some fruit and vegetables but big deal. Surely everyone steals chocolate from the cupboard once in a while - it's the same thing. Fruit and veggies - they're really irresistible (just like chocolate). How can we honestly blame the slorgs for this? (And this is not to mention the fact that the Petpet Protection League would have something very serious to say about this game if they knew what was going on.) Let’s, for a minute, examine this game in more detail.

The Basics:

The game begins (-cue slightly malevolent music and an air of anticipation-) and multicoloured slorgs start to stream in, moving towards those scrumptious looking fruits and veggies. Given the fact that you (as a Yurble - see later section - The "Characters") are trying to destroy the slorgs, surely if they can make it to the "treasure" (the fruit and veggies will henceforth be referred to as the "treasure") then they deserve to eat all of your fruit and veggies. I mean, I don't know about you, but it's not every day that I have to risk my life just to get fed.

So, you, in your Yurble self, fire dutifully at the friendly, somewhat hungry slorgs and "attempt" to destroy them. But it just seems a little suspect to me. I mean, what kind of "farmer" would routinely stock a ready-made slorg destroying machine (it's a conspiracy, I swear it is). Also, what kind of farmer has to put slorgs in groups of three of the same colour before he can destroy them? Let me ask you that. Surely destroying slorgs one by one is enough, let alone having to destroy them three at a time?

So, briefly, that's the aim. Destroy the hungry slorgs. It's not that simple. There's another complication (besides the huge ethical and moral issues involved in the mass destruction of petpets) - what's that? I hear you ask. Well, let me tell you. If you had a created a machine to destroy petpets, wouldn’t it be a good machine? What kind of machine has laser failure after using it only for a couple of minutes? Not a good one, that’s for certain.

The Weapons:

Now, tell me one thing: what self-respecting, self-appointed slorg destroyer would arm themselves only with a faulty machine (also known as the Slorgeriser x4) and some balls of Slorg-B-Gone? That's right! Not one who intended to do their job properly. If this "resourceful" Yurble farmer were truly a proper slorg destroyer then surely he would arm himself with an appropriate weapon for the job.

What kind of weapon? I hear you ask. Well. I have compiled a quick list of three weapons that would do a considerably better job than Ye Olde Slorgeriser x4.

1. A sling shot and some rocks (Why? Because sling shots are scary - and they will really teach those slorgs a lesson.)

2. A pitchfork. (Violent looking and anyway, all good protests should involve one – why not this game too?)

3. Well, I really can’t think of a third, but surely, if our Yurble friend is silly enough to leave his fruit and veggies out where they can be gotten by slorgs who just “happen” to pass by, then don’t they deserve to get the food and not be obliterated? I think so.

The "Characters":

Now, onto the issue of the so-called "resourceful" Yurble farmer. *cough* Is it just me or does he look awfully familiar? Perhaps this game is so evil not because it is almost impossible to destroy the good, calm, friend-seeking slorgs but rather because the Yurble is in fact a double (-edit- triple? quadruple?) agent. Look closer, yes, that's right. That "farmer" is none other than the Yurble Foreman, Yurble Janitor and Yurble Chef. *collective gasps* Yes. It really does seem like he cannot stick to one job. (Or is there something more sinister involved - we all know he has a bad temper - perhaps destroying innocent slorgs is part of his anger management therapy?). So, let me pose another question to you - why is our dear foreman/chef/janitor Yurble trying his hand at destroying slorgs? I don’t know, but I certainly would like to – I think it might make the aim of this game a little clearer (and by the way Yurble of Many Faces, how many slorgs do I actually have to destroy to win your game? Just interested.)

Slorgs. Petpets. Slightly icky. But adorable nonetheless, I’m sure many a pet has a slorg as a petpet (I know my Aisha does). I’m pretty certain that destroying slorgs would leave many-a-pet devastated by the loss of their best friend. So, as is my role, I must ask you again – what is the point of this game. Does it even have a point?

The Whole Picture:

There is a message to this whole thing. Yes, there is, I swear it. The message is not (somewhat surprisingly!) to not play Attack of the Slorgs. But rather, the message is to play Attack of the Slorgs only in moderation and to remain constantly vigilant in regards to the threat of the Yurble Janitor/Foreman/Chef/Farmer. The most important thing, however, to take out of this “not” game guide is to not (if you like playing Attack of the Slorgs), under any circumstances, tell the Petpet Protection League about this game. I’m sure you would agree that the consequences would, well, not be very good. I think you get the picture. Be warned! This is NOT a game guide.

A note:

Not many slorgs were harmed in the making of this “not” game guide. A few were inadvertently destroyed whilst the author tried to understand the mind of the Yurble foreman/chef/janitor/farmer but other than that no harm whatsoever came to them.

(*cough* Did you mention that one you stepped on by accident yesterday? No. Why not? Because that would ruin the whole point of my story.)

 
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