Attack of the Slorgs: This is NOT a Game Guide
MERI ACRES - At first, this game appears deceptively nice. What could be simpler?
Aim your laser and destroy slorgs. Fun! Or not. Look closer. Underneath its friendly
façade this game has some more sinister motives. Why, oh why, do we actually WANT
to destroy these slorgs? What have they done to us? Sure they may eat some fruit
and vegetables but big deal. Surely everyone steals chocolate from the cupboard
once in a while - it's the same thing. Fruit and veggies - they're really irresistible
(just like chocolate). How can we honestly blame the slorgs for this? (And this
is not to mention the fact that the Petpet Protection League would have something
very serious to say about this game if they knew what was going on.) Let’s, for
a minute, examine this game in more detail.
The game begins (-cue slightly malevolent music and an air of anticipation-)
and multicoloured slorgs start to stream in, moving towards those scrumptious
looking fruits and veggies. Given the fact that you (as a Yurble - see later
section - The "Characters") are trying to destroy the slorgs, surely if they
can make it to the "treasure" (the fruit and veggies will henceforth be referred
to as the "treasure") then they deserve to eat all of your fruit and veggies.
I mean, I don't know about you, but it's not every day that I have to risk my
life just to get fed.
So, you, in your Yurble self, fire dutifully at the friendly, somewhat hungry
slorgs and "attempt" to destroy them. But it just seems a little suspect to
me. I mean, what kind of "farmer" would routinely stock a ready-made slorg destroying
machine (it's a conspiracy, I swear it is). Also, what kind of farmer has to
put slorgs in groups of three of the same colour before he can destroy them?
Let me ask you that. Surely destroying slorgs one by one is enough, let alone
having to destroy them three at a time?
So, briefly, that's the aim. Destroy the hungry slorgs. It's not that simple.
There's another complication (besides the huge ethical and moral issues involved
in the mass destruction of petpets) - what's that? I hear you ask. Well, let
me tell you. If you had a created a machine to destroy petpets, wouldn’t it
be a good machine? What kind of machine has laser failure after using it only
for a couple of minutes? Not a good one, that’s for certain.
Now, tell me one thing: what self-respecting, self-appointed slorg destroyer
would arm themselves only with a faulty machine (also known as the Slorgeriser
x4) and some balls of Slorg-B-Gone? That's right! Not one who intended to do
their job properly. If this "resourceful" Yurble farmer were truly a proper
slorg destroyer then surely he would arm himself with an appropriate weapon
for the job.
What kind of weapon? I hear you ask. Well. I have compiled a quick list of
three weapons that would do a considerably better job than Ye Olde Slorgeriser
1. A sling shot and some rocks (Why? Because sling shots are scary - and they
will really teach those slorgs a lesson.)
2. A pitchfork. (Violent looking and anyway, all good protests should involve
one – why not this game too?)
3. Well, I really can’t think of a third, but surely, if our Yurble friend
is silly enough to leave his fruit and veggies out where they can be gotten
by slorgs who just “happen” to pass by, then don’t they deserve to get the food
and not be obliterated? I think so.
Now, onto the issue of the so-called "resourceful" Yurble farmer. *cough* Is
it just me or does he look awfully familiar? Perhaps this game is so evil not
because it is almost impossible to destroy the good, calm, friend-seeking slorgs
but rather because the Yurble is in fact a double (-edit- triple? quadruple?)
agent. Look closer, yes, that's right. That "farmer" is none other than the
Yurble Foreman, Yurble Janitor and Yurble Chef. *collective gasps* Yes. It really
does seem like he cannot stick to one job. (Or is there something more sinister
involved - we all know he has a bad temper - perhaps destroying innocent slorgs
is part of his anger management therapy?). So, let me pose another question
to you - why is our dear foreman/chef/janitor Yurble trying his hand at destroying
slorgs? I don’t know, but I certainly would like to – I think it might make
the aim of this game a little clearer (and by the way Yurble of Many Faces,
how many slorgs do I actually have to destroy to win your game? Just interested.)
Slorgs. Petpets. Slightly icky. But adorable nonetheless, I’m sure many a pet
has a slorg as a petpet (I know my Aisha does). I’m pretty certain that destroying
slorgs would leave many-a-pet devastated by the loss of their best friend. So,
as is my role, I must ask you again – what is the point of this game. Does it
even have a point?
The Whole Picture:
There is a message to this whole thing. Yes, there is, I swear it. The message
is not (somewhat surprisingly!) to not play Attack of the Slorgs. But rather,
the message is to play Attack of the Slorgs only in moderation and to remain
constantly vigilant in regards to the threat of the Yurble Janitor/Foreman/Chef/Farmer.
The most important thing, however, to take out of this “not” game guide is to
not (if you like playing Attack of the Slorgs), under any circumstances, tell
the Petpet Protection League about this game. I’m sure you would agree that
the consequences would, well, not be very good. I think you get the picture.
Be warned! This is NOT a game guide.
Not many slorgs were harmed in the making of this “not” game guide. A few were
inadvertently destroyed whilst the author tried to understand the mind of the
Yurble foreman/chef/janitor/farmer but other than that no harm whatsoever came
(*cough* Did you mention that one you stepped on by accident yesterday?
No. Why not? Because that would ruin the whole point of my story.)